Experiencing Gender dysphoria for the first time.

[Simplycause]

Not sure if this is the right forum, and it's not really the first time I've experienced dysphoria (also just FYI I reached out to my better help therapist to find someone who deals with Trans body issues)

My HRT consultation is Saturday. I've dressed a little here and there in private. Never tucked, never worn a gaffe. Since I made the appointment and my the decision that I'm going to socially transition I've bought gaffes, I've learned to tuck and at least until my wife sees me I'm completely tucked. I've trimmed all that up. I've worn womens underwear and a sports bra everyday just to get better into the habit.

I guess what I'm dealing with now, either I didn't realize or didn't...I no longer like seeing my male anatomy which is something I didn't expect. I much prefer being taped and tucked, so now I'm dealing with these feelings.

My question is, has anyone else dealt with finding out mid transition that their gender dysphoria was more then they even realized upon accepting thay they're transgendered. I never considered "bottom surgery" but I think that's something I'm going to have to work through and figure out.

[Courtney G]

Yes, 100%

My feelings about gender seemed limited to a fantasy of being a woman, first of just having breasts, then for a long time also wishing I could turn into a woman. It was pretty manageable, just a secret I kept hidden and compartmentalized. This continued for decades.

After I came out to myself and started HRT, I had a period of joy mixed with fear, but I don't know that I could have called what I was experiencing "dysphoria." But as I started to actualize the female version of myself, I started to notice what I wasn't. In my case, I found the look of my face more and more disturbing. I found the thought of not passing as a woman to be much more than a disappointment at times. I often had crying jags over my situation, reflecting on how hard it was to want to be something I didn't ever think I could be.

As my body continued to develop, my "face dysphoria" continued to get worse. Trans friends tried to convince me that I was "fine" and that I should just relax and not worry about passing or what people thought. But they didn't realize how much pain I was in. It was like being an athlete who became disabled and was getting told they should go to the sports event and "just enjoy it."

Now that I have an affirming surgery scheduled, my feelings of discomfort have continued to grow and are a daily thing. I'm still grateful that I'm not suffering the way many others do, but I now understand a bit of what they're going through.

For me, my dysphoria emerged like that and became worse as a result of a new kind of self awareness.

[AlisonM]

Hi,

I have just began my 4th month of HRT and I grow more disgusted with my genital appendage as time progresses.  I can hardly wait until I can have bottom surgery and get rid of it.  Knowing that I am determined to do so, alleviates my gender dysphoria so that I can maintain a happy, peaceful existance.  I am loving the changes that I see in my body from the HRT so I tend to focus on those when gender dysphoria rears its ugly head.

I hope your surgery is successful and that you can finally feel at peace with no dysphoria to trouble you.  Remember that we all love you and wish you the best!

Alison M.

[Courtney G]

I hope your surgery is successful and that you can finally feel at peace with no dysphoria to trouble you.  Remember that we all love you and wish you the best!

If you're addressing me, thank you!
If you're addressing the creator of this thread, I don't believe that they have moved forward with plans for surgery yet!

[Sephirah]

Since I made the appointment and my the decision that I'm going to socially transition I've bought gaffes, I've learned to tuck and at least until my wife sees me I'm completely tucked. I've trimmed all that up. I've worn womens underwear and a sports bra everyday just to get better into the habit.

I guess what I'm dealing with now, either I didn't realize or didn't...I no longer like seeing my male anatomy which is something I didn't expect. I much prefer being taped and tucked, so now I'm dealing with these feelings.]

Do you mind if I ask you a question, sweetie? Do you think it's possible that these might be linked? That your decision to socially transition might have something to do with the physical feelings you're going through?

[AlisonM]

I thought I was addressing the thread starter but I see that I was actually reading your response to her question, Courtney!  It applies to both of you... even if she doesn't do bottom surgery!

[Simplycause]

If you're addressing me, thank you!
If you're addressing the creator of this thread, I don't believe that have moved forward with plans for surgery yet!

I have not, like I said wasn't even considering it as an option or surgery at all but I'm expecting as I start HRT to have these feelings become more pronounced so I'm trying to he proactive.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

My dysphoria was always very mild before HRT. I mainly experienced gender euphoria towards being a women. However since being mid HRT I sometimes get bad dysphoria. I think experiencing such euphoria and how validating it is makes for a bigger contrast against what I once was. Now the masculine traits are a bigger deal, me being so much closer to the looks that are desired.

Deeply personal for everyone, but thought I'd share perspective of someone who got here through euphoria not dysphoria 😊


I hope that you can work through it soon. Might take time but at least you'll know you much better.

[KathyLauren]

I certainly wasn't aware of dysphoria most of my life ... until I was.  Whatever our "normal" is growing up, by which I mean whatever we experience all the time, every day, just gets filed away in our experience as "normal".  Then we learn about dysphoria and assume that we don't have it, because dysphoria is a thing and all we know is our own "normal". 

I can think of lots of experiences when I was young that I filed away as "Huh?  Oh well, whatever" that I now recognize as dysphoria.  But had you asked me at the time if that's what it was, I would have said, "Of course not!"

So I think that discovering dysphoria seemingly for the first time as an adult is a pretty common experience.  What's new is that we can identify it, whereas before, we couldn't.

[Simplycause]

Do you mind if I ask you a question, sweetie? Do you think it's possible that these might be linked? That your decision to socially transition might have something to do with the physical feelings you're going through?

I don't mind at all.

I don't know. Maybe? It could be that where I thought like a lot of people I just didn't like some things about my appearance and I accepted I had depression and those two were just something I dealt with. But as I've been more affirming in my dress, I've come to the conclusion I don't like my male body at all.

[Courtney G]

It is quite difficult to understand that a passing desire, a need and full on soul-crushing dysphoria are all fruit from the same tree, in some cases. In my case, I assumed I wasn't really trans because I wasn't suffering as much as other people; I just thought it would be really nice if I was a woman.

I'm still coming to terms with the idea that wanting to be a woman means that I have the soul and brain of a woman, ergo I am a woman. I figured I needed to pass some test or feel strong dysphoria from the first time I was labeled as male by those around me. I was wrong.

[Alana Ashleigh]

I never experienced dysphoria until after I realized I was trans. I had the same experience you're going through now. I never had any bottom dysphoria until very recently.

[Sephirah]

In my case, I assumed I wasn't really trans because I wasn't suffering as much as other people; I just thought it would be really nice if I was a woman.

I'm still coming to terms with the idea that wanting to be a woman means that I have the soul and brain of a woman, ergo I am a woman. I figured I needed to pass some test or feel strong dysphoria from the first time I was labeled as male by those around me. I was wrong.

Yeah this is kind of a big thing that many trans folks struggle with, Courtney. I think partly because back in the day, before people who make decisions knew as much as they know now... that was kind of the benchmark that trans folks had to pass in order to be taken seriously. The people who paved the way for the level of understanding we have now. Life or death, "I knew since before I was born", "either do it or I'll rent a chainsaw" mentality. That hasn't really gone away, though, and it's how some people validate themselves. Nowadays, though, it isn't... and doesn't have to be the only way people validate themselves. Thankfully these days proactive is just as understood as reactive.

It's the same with a lot of things, I suppose. Medical diagnosis and treatment tends to brute force things until a level of understanding is reached where there is more... finesse? I mean we don't drill holes in peoples' heads anymore to relieve a migraine. Or tell people with ADHD that they're just attention-seeking and disruptive.

Choosing to be happy is just as valid as choosing to not be unhappy. And that's a very good thing.

I don't mind at all.

I don't know. Maybe? It could be that where I thought like a lot of people I just didn't like some things about my appearance and I accepted I had depression and those two were just something I dealt with. But as I've been more affirming in my dress, I've come to the conclusion I don't like my male body at all.

That makes sense. Thank you for your answer. When you have freedom to be, you learn what that means.