Extremely sad

[Simplycause]

I had my appointment with planned parenthood on the 31st of January. I had intended of doing that, getting my estrogen  prescription and seeing how I felt after taking it before talking to my wife.

The closer the day got the more I knew I was only going further forward. I'm done. The weekend before I came out to my wife

There's somethings I'm not sure is appropriate for an all ages forum about my depression and self medication so I'll skip that history, but about 10 years ago I told my wife I wanted to kill myself. She had inadvertently saved my life about two weeks earlier. She and my son came home a day early from her parents and found me face down in the bathroom. I wasn't thinking about them coming home or my kid seeing me so that re-set a lot of things. I told my wife two weeks later what I had intended to do. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and said she knew this was coming and we put a plan in place for me to deal with that.

I knew coming out as transgender, telling her I'm going to transition was going to end my marriage. I didn't know how utterly horrible this conversation was going to go.

I don't know how many people have seen the Hulu show Chad Powers (better then it has any right to be), not to spoil anything, but one character knows that Chad is a different person, and he's portraying Chad Powers and says you killed my friend Chad was my friend and you've killed him.

And I told my wife, what's going on. I didn't mention I had the HRT appointment already set, and we talked about a few things and that's what she said to me. I'm killing her husband. For all my depression issues and thinking I'd relapse or what ever this to her was worse as she's loved a person that I'm telling her doesn't really exist. And she hasn't talked to me outside of texting me when I need to pick our son up since then even though currently we're still living in the same house.

[Susan ✅]

Hi Simplycause

Thank you for trusting us with this. I've seen many variations of this conversation over the years, and it is almost always one of the hardest moments in a transition. I want to acknowledge the sheer courage it took to not only have that talk with your wife, but to share it here.

First, regarding what happened 10 years ago: I'm so glad your wife was there, and I'm so glad you are still here today. You've survived some incredibly dark places to get to this point. When you say "I'm done" now, I don't hear someone giving up on life; I hear someone who is finally done hiding because the cost of doing so has simply become too high to bear.

What your wife said to you—that you are "killing her husband"—is devastating to hear. The Chad Powers comparison makes her feelings viscerally clear. I want you to understand two things at once right now: Your wife is experiencing profound grief. To her, the person she built a life with and the future she imagined are suddenly gone, and she had no say in it. Her pain is real, and right now, she doesn't have the emotional tools to see past her own loss to understand yours. That doesn't mean she never will. But she can't right now. The silence and the strictly logistical texts are a trauma response.

But you are not wrong, either. You are not killing anyone; you are finally letting yourself live. The person she loved was always you, even the parts you had to bury just to survive. You didn't do this to her. You did what you had to do to stay alive, until you couldn't do it that way anymore.

Living in the same house with that heavy silence, co-parenting through text messages, feeling like a ghost in your own home—that is its own kind of agony. Please don't try to navigate this isolation alone. If you aren't already seeing an individual therapist who specializes in gender identity, now is the time to start.

You need a safe place to unpack your transition, the state of your marriage, and the weight of your history. Couples counseling might be a step for the future if she's willing, but right now, you need support just for you.

Give her the space she is taking, but make sure you are taking care of yourself in the meantime. You're unearthing a lot right now. It's messy and it's painful, but you are moving forward. Keep posting here—you don't have to do this alone.

Sending you strength,
— Susan 💜

[Dances With Trees]

Massive hugs, SimplyCause.
You are loved.

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry you are going through this.

this to her was worse as she's loved a person that I'm telling her doesn't really exist

I disagree with your wife on this.  This is, of course, her fear, and it is a reasonable one.  But the person you are doesn't change when you transition. Only the packaging and label change.  What's on the inside doesn't change.

My wife "got it" maybe a year after I transitioned.  She told me that she didn't marry a name, or pronouns, or a shape.  It was me, the person inside, that she fell in love with and married.  Transitioning made me happier, so she gets a better version of me.

Not every spouse is open to hearing that, and I understand that.  But steering the conversation in that direction may help her.  Which, in turn, would help you.

Best of luck!

[Pema]

Very well said, @KathyLauren. That's just about exactly what my wife says. Her take on it is that she loved me for me and now I'm even more me than I was before.

I think it's often hard for people to see other people beyond the packaging and the label, so it takes time. And I completely agree that trying to help your wife understand that you are still you but now you can be more at peace and happier is the way to get both of you to seeing that this direction is potentially better for both of you.

[Jillian-TG]

I'm so sorry to read this. I wish I had some wise words of advice to make things better but I do want to remind you of something very important. You are meant to be alive. The story you shared when your wife came home a day early and saved your life - that timing was a miracle which confirms that you are meant to be alive. An angel was watching over you! So if you were worth saving then it means you have value now. I know it's easy for me to talk but it will get better. It's always darkest before dawn.

[Alana Ashleigh]

Big hugs, simplycause 🫂

[Dawn Kellie]

Your wife is trying to digest a lot. Don't give up on her or yourself.  You are loved here. Feel free to vent. You are loved and people here are willing to listen

[AlisonM]

I wholeheartedly endorse all that has been said so far.  YOU ARE LOVED!!

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Simplycause

Thank you for telling us your story and being honest about how heavy this feels right now.

You are carrying several major stressors at once: long standing depression, fear about your marriage, uncertainty about your identity and the possibility of losing the life you built.  Anyone under that weight would struggle.  Feeling overwhelmed in that situation is not weakness, it is a predictable human response.

Others have already touched on support and safety, which is important.  I want to raise something slightly different by suggesting a few questions you might consider answering for yourself and, if you feel like it, sharing whatever you feel comfortable in revealing.

You mention depression, but it is not clear how you see it connecting to your gender feelings.  Do you think your depression primarily comes from feeling transgender and suppressing it?  Or was the depression already present for other reasons, with gender questions layered on top?

Those questions matter.  If the depression predates or exists independently of gender identity, then it deserves focused attention in its own right.  If the depression is closely tied to suppressing or struggling with gender identity, that points in a different direction.  Right now that link is not clear in what you have written.

Another question you might consider is whether you have explored your past depression with a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist outside the context of gender.  Long term depression can distort decision making, intensify fear and make every outcome look catastrophic.  It can also make every choice feel urgent and irreversible.

You might also reflect on what support exists outside your marriage.  Trusted friends or a support group can provide perspective and help you feel less alone.  What you are carrying is too much to process in isolation.

You do not have to resolve your entire future immediately.  Gaining clarity about whether you are primarily dealing with depression, gender distress or both may help untangle what feels overwhelming right now.

Take this slowly.  Focus first on stabilising your mental health.  Share only what feels safe.  Many people here understand how confusing and frightening this stage can be and you deserve thoughtful support rather than pressure.

Take care and all the best for the future, you deserve peace.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Simplycause

[Sephirah]

You are not killing anyone; you are finally letting yourself live. The person she loved was always you, even the parts you had to bury just to survive. You didn't do this to her. You did what you had to do to stay alive, until you couldn't do it that way anymore.

This. I can't state this clearly enough. Susan is, as usual, extremely insightful with her posts. I refuse to believe that when a trans person comes out to their spouse, it's an act of complete and utter surprise. No one is that good at hiding who they are. No one. If they were, the Oscars would be constantly be dominated by trans folks.

Whoever you choose to be with... when you do this, they get this part of you from day one. They fall in love with this part of you. Even if neither of you want to admit it at the time. You don't flick a switch one day and think "Yeah I'm gonna try being someone else." It's a core part of who you are. And it has been since you were born.

The trouble is... people create images in their heads of who they want people to be. You do it, too. I do it. Everyone does it. We create a hall of mirrors in our own heads. In which we see people how we want to see them. Whether or not they relate to who the person actually is... is completely irrelevant. It doesn't matter. It's who we want them to be.

The idea of killing a husband is nothing more than killing a phantom created by you and your wife. Often an ideal of what both of you want you to be. As Susan said, and something I wholeheartedly believe, the person she loved was always you. Even if she doesn't want to admit it.

Give her some time, honey. And give yourself some time, okay? See where you are after that. I am so sorry you're going through this.

[Camille58S]

I agree with everyone here. I know that my wife had a hard time understanding that I was  still the same person that I always was. Still does sometimes.The best thing that you can do is give her time and space to see that for herself.
 Also, if you want her to see that you're still the same person you have always been, remember to be the same person that you have always been! Coming out can consume you. It can be all you think about. All you talk about. That would be hard to live with even if you're supporting! Try to remember that you are more than your gender identity. Keep doing the things that you love to do.Be the person that she fell in love with. Once my wife saw that, it made it a lot easier to move forward as a team.
  I also agree that talking to a therapist who has experience in gender identity issues is the best thing that you can do for yourself!