[depression diary] Living with Tigers

[Asche]

[WARNING: depressing maundering ahead.  You may want to skip this....]

[I don't know how much this has to do with Non-Binary, but since nobody else has posted much lately.....]

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I'm probably paying too much attention to the news (including at Susan's), but I'm feeling pretty hopeless about the human species.  It's like every time I turn around, there's another bunch of people going over to the Dark Side, worshiping hate and exclusion and exploitation and dedicating themselves to making the world a worse place.  To paraphrase Sir Edward Grey, the lamps are going out all over the world, and we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.

I feel like I'm in an enclosure in a zoo or on an island filled with man-eating tigers; they haven't eaten me yet, but it's only a matter of time before, out of the blue, I'll feel jaws crunching on my neck.  Or the neck of someone I've committed the Sin of caring about.  (Cf.: the new "Christian" doctrine of The Sin of Empathy.)   (And, really, when they do it to someone else, it's like they've done it to me.)  I'm reminded of The Life of Pi, where the main character spends 200+ days on a lifeboat with a man-eating tiger, who has eaten the hyena who ate the zebra.  And at the end, when he's gotten to land and he's told his story to the authorities and they don't believe him, he then tells the same story, but with humans eating one another instead of the animals.  And the author tells us that the two versions are really the same, just different ways of looking at it.  The Experts(tm) tell us this has some philosophical point, but to me, it simply says that humans are really the same as the man-eating tigers.  Like we're all cannibals.

I don't know how much is the current political situation, how much is the way I'm feeling imprisoned by my health problems, how much is feeling like the end of my life is ever closer, and how much is my life-long struggle with despair.  I tell myself, you don't really need hope, you just need to do the little you can. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  One foot.  In front of.  The other.

But I get so tired.....

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Hi Asche, I know what you mean about the human race. I feel exactly the same at times. Why are there people out there that serve up suffering day after day? We both know this serves no benefit to humanity, so it doesn't make sense. It's all over the place too.

There is lots of love here and lots of loving people out there too. Let's hope that eventually the goodness drowns out the evil. Each day that we're good people ourselves and present ourselves in a positive light, then maybe over time that makes a difference.

I can't judge or speak for your health problems and personal battles, and how they make you feel. These things can definitely get you down. More so when the general world seems so bleak. But I hope you find some light and strength to push through each day and get stronger. I can certainly wish you love and encouragement from me.

Hugs
Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

I'm sorry you feel this way Asche. You sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I would suggest focusing in on things closer to you, things you can control, things you can see or experience.

The world is too big. You need to think and look at the little picture instead. You are right that there is a lot of hate and violence and cruelty in the world. Imagine what it must have been like during the world wars. Unfortunately, it is part of life on this planet. Parts of humanity can be cruel. There is nothing you can do about it so you need to switch focus. It's no worse now than it's ever been, It is part of human nature that some people do bad to others.

Alongside all the hate and violence there is beauty in this world and all around you. You don't have to look far to see it. Spring has sprung in the Northern Hemisphere signalling new life. the weather is getting warmer, the days longer. It is a lovely time of year. We currently have four people in a little tin can hutling through space and approaching the moon, we are an amazing species when we work together and put our abilities to good use.

I don't know what your medical issues are but if you can, get out into nature and stop, spend some time just listening, smelling, breathing the air. It always clears my head.

I realise having suffered with depression myself that these are just words but I find distraction and giving yourself something different to do can help enormously.

To coin a local phrase, "chin up petal, it'll be alreet in the 'morn"!

Sarah xx

[Lori Dee ✅]

I agree with Charlotte and Sarah.

When you look at the worldview, it does appear that we are headed in the wrong direction. However, there are pockets of resistance everywhere. In the U.S., between 8 and 9 million people came out for the No Kings protests at over 4,000 cities across the country. That is only the number of people who showed up. Imagine how many more agree with the protest but stayed home for reasons such as work, school, or even fear of ICE raids.

Focus on what is happening locally. I saw what was happening in South Dakota and decided it had reached a point that was unacceptable, so I moved to Colorado. Not everyone can move easily, so it becomes more important to support local organizations that can fight on your behalf. Even if it means just showing up to increase the visible numbers.

Don't let the worldview get you down. Remember that a pendulum swings both directions.

This too shall pass.

[Dances With Trees]

Depressing maundering aside, Asche, your snapshot of the moment we're in was spot on.

For me, smiling whenever possible is an act of defiance. And never pass up a hug.

Hugs

[Athena]

I've suffered with depression for over 35 years, mostly high functioning but I sometimes fall into deep depression. Right now I am struggling to express my views on anti trans legislation without seeming to attack Americans as a whole. I've been finding lately that small things set me off which worries me. As I sit here watching trans rights being striped away more and more, I feel more and more hopeless about ever returning to the U.S.. But worse than that I worry a great deal about Canada's conservative party. They seem to look at MAGA and think oh we can go further right than that. I've actually heard a Canadian say Trump is our president... WE DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT.

I do take some comfort that we have anti hate laws but I do fear our future, we have people and leaders that kowtow and grovel to Trump. Sooner or later they will be in office and if they get a majority than LGBTQ2+ rights will be in desperate danger.

I just wish that we could have a real conservative party instead of a party that is fueled by hate. Conservatives deserve a voice that represents their views instead of what we have now a voice of hatred and corruption.

On good days I find that I'm just waiting on my life sentence to end, I have far too many bad days.

[Stottie Girl]

I've suffered with depression for over 35 years, mostly high functioning but I sometimes fall into deep depression. Right now I am struggling to express my views on anti trans legislation without seeming to attack Americans as a whole. I've been finding lately that small things set me off which worries me. As I sit here watching trans rights being striped away more and more, I feel more and more hopeless about ever returning to the U.S.. But worse than that I worry a great deal about Canada's conservative party. They seem to look at MAGA and think oh we can go further right than that. I've actually heard a Canadian say Trump is our president... WE DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT.

I do take some comfort that we have anti hate laws but I do fear our future, we have people and leaders that kowtow and grovel to Trump. Sooner or later they will be in office and if they get a majority than LGBTQ2+ rights will be in desperate danger.

I just wish that we could have a real conservative party instead of a party that is fueled by hate. Conservatives deserve a voice that represents their views instead of what we have now a voice of hatred and corruption.

On good days I find that I'm just waiting on my life sentence to end, I have far too many bad days.

We have a similar problem with the Reform party of Nigel Farage. They are gaining ground as the only party willing to tackle migration (which is out of control) but the party is full of bile and hatred and full of Trump lovers, Farage included. It's bad enough now in the UK but if they get in it could become unbearable.

We are supposed to be trying to cheer Asche up here though! The positive in the UK is the rise of the Green Party who could represent a viable alternative for those of us on the left who believe in inclusion and fairness. And also the SNP in Scotland who have always had a social conscious.

Wherever there is darkness the light is always nearby.

[Athena]

To be fair the Russian bots are becoming less effective with exposure which is a good thing.

[Asche]

The sense of hopelessness has been with me my whole life, probably starting before I could even talk.  It's not all there is, but sometimes events bring it to the fore.  I grew up being, as I felt, surrounded by people who hated me, to the point that I wanted to kill myself and blamed myself for not having the guts to do it.   But I think there was also always a stubbornness (my mother always accused me of being "stubborn") that refused to do their murdering for them.  If they want me dead, they'll have to kill me themselves.  And my "one foot in front of the other" has been my stubborn refusal to give in to the hopelessness.

And I do think that the Trumpkins and their shadowy masters want me and people like me dead.  They've sometimes said so in so many words.  And I can't stop them if they decide to actually do it.  If they kill me, they kill me, but I'm not going to cower and hide or do their dirty work for them.  That's my form of resistance.  (Plus showing up at demonstrations, at least when my health permits.)

[Asche]

P.S.: I also find myself rereading the last chapter of Mockingjay over and over.

[Pema]

Asche, I wish there were anything I could say that could lessen the pain you're feeling, but I know that words don't change any of it.

I believe I have felt everything you're describing and, underneath the contentment and the joy that I feel today, I still feel all of that, too. The world is unjust, and the human world feels brutally, pointlessly so. The challenge for those of us who feel it so acutely is how to accommodate those feelings and still experience peace and joy within ourselves.

Many years ago, at a particularly difficult time in my life, I stumbled across this quote from Joseph Campbell:

"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy. The warrior's approach is to say "yes" to life: "yea" to it all."

At the time, I grumpily thought, "That's absurd, insane even." Within a few years, as Life piled the hardships onto me and the people I loved, I grew to understand it. It took me several more years to learn to embody it.

It's hard to say whether things are worse today than they have been in the past, because we are increasingly exposed to more and more "news" from everywhere in the world, and negativity is what is popular. (I believe that, in turn, promotes negativity, but that's another subject altogether.) In the past, we didn't "know" so much about all of the injustices, and we were happier and better off for it. You could say that it's callous to prefer to be ignorant, but I think it's basic survival. These creatures that we inhabit didn't evolve to absorb this intensity of abuse. Literally none of us is equipped to handle it, and there's no compelling reason why we should. We can't do anything to change it - other than by countering it with love and compassion in our daily lives. No, it's not likely that my doing that will put a stop to atrocities across the globe, but it will condition peace within my heart and possibly in the hearts of the people I encounter. And maybe some of them will choose to do the same. Yes, it can be seen an act of defiance, but I prefer to think of it as reclaiming my sovereignty, my equanimity.

What our society is pushing is not joy or peace. If we want those, we must pursue them ourselves with determination.

This is hard, and you are not alone.

With love,
Pema

[Stottie Girl]

The sense of hopelessness has been with me my whole life, probably starting before I could even talk.  It's not all there is, but sometimes events bring it to the fore.  I grew up being, as I felt, surrounded by people who hated me, to the point that I wanted to kill myself and blamed myself for not having the guts to do it.   But I think there was also always a stubbornness (my mother always accused me of being "stubborn") that refused to do their murdering for them.  If they want me dead, they'll have to kill me themselves.  And my "one foot in front of the other" has been my stubborn refusal to give in to the hopelessness.

And I do think that the Trumpkins and their shadowy masters want me and people like me dead.  They've sometimes said so in so many words.  And I can't stop them if they decide to actually do it.  If they kill me, they kill me, but I'm not going to cower and hide or do their dirty work for them.  That's my form of resistance.  (Plus showing up at demonstrations, at least when my health permits.)

From your description I would say that rather than a stubboness to let them win it sounds more like a desire to live. It shows great strength and courage to take that path when all you feel is despair. You are clearly a very strong person and a part of you must love living.

Yes the haters seem to have the reigns of power or the ear of those who do but they are not everyone. They are in fact a minority. Ignore the media, and look around at ordinary people. They do not carry the same hate. Those currently seeding the anger and rage against our community will not hold onto power for long and they will be forced to retreat into the shadows again. I have a very strong feeling that Trump will have his ass handed to him at the midterms. Surely we all want to be around to see him fall?

Sarah xx