Passing - such a wicked and complex issue

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of passing, particularly as its something that is troubling me regularly being at a kind of developing stage of transition. I expect this is a very familiar story. But I have thought of a few things that affect this. I also identify this as being akin to a wicked problem. Its very hard to define and solve being such a  subjective social and contextual issue.

The first problem is bias. We already know ourselves to be trans so our own judgement is next to useless. Honestly I look in the mirror in the morning and see a woman that could pass then 4 hours later a man nowhere near passing. Maybe this is more intrinsically linked to mood, but certainly very unreliable. In addition we cant rely on the opinion of other people that know us to be transgender. The bias can be either positive e.g. they are looking to please us or negative e.g. they can't obscure the fact they know us to be transgender. This judgement does lack some emotional bias however; its somewhat more reliable than our own perspective if we're considering the judgement of passing according to the social norms of how we expect a woman to look.

The second problem I identify is very much a UK issue. Its common to want to use everyday social interactions and use of gendered pronouns to judge passing. However unlike the USA almost all interactions in shops and such are very informal and rarely are gendered pronouns used. Your greeting is likely to be Hey, hello, how are you rather than Good afternoon ma'am. Occasionally in rare circumstances e.g. the bank they might use Sir or Miss. Add to this the addressing of groups by the term guys has become gender neutral! So this avenue of affirmation is highly unreliable here in the UK.

Thirdly I note that passing can be complicated by being to slightly different things. In its ideal form you pass because strangers can't tell you from a cisgender person of your acquired gender. But you may also pass in that you are read as your acquired gender even if the person can tell you're transgender. They may for instance determine to address you as a woman because you are wearing a dress, have breasts and feminine hair despite them  identifying you were probably born male from facial features. So you would be affirmed correctly and seen as you're acquired gender, but not pass in the truest sense. Someone more vindictive or less observant may misgender you.

So that is my thoughts. I wanted to put it out there for any additional feedback, considerations and experiences that may help any of us come to terms with the minefield that is passing.

Charlotte X

[KathyLauren]

But you may also pass in that you are read as your acquired gender even if the person can tell you're transgender.

This is the kind of passing I aim for.  I honestly don't care if a stranger figures out that I am transgender.  It's the truth, and truth is generally a good thing.  Plus, if I am known as transgender and also known as an okay person, then that is positive advocacy.

And if I am seen as a woman, that, too, is the truth, and a good thing.  I make a reasonable effort to encourage that perception.

Unless a person I meet makes a big deal about whether or not I am transgender, I don't have any way to distinguish those two perceptions.  And their perception is their business, not mine, so that is fine.

What I want to avoid is people figuring out that I am transgender and making an effort to be hostile.  Unless a trans person is pre-everything, getting misgendered in person is generally a hostile act.  (I say "in person" because getting misgendered on the phone, while unfortunate, is understandable for most of us.) 

So, at this stage in my transition - mostly done - passing is not something I worry about.  I try to present well as a 70-something woman, dressing appropriately for the occasion.  When in doubt, I think about how my mother would have presented herself in various situations.  Other people are either fine with that, which I consider a win, or they aren't, in which case I judge them harshly.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think this is an issue that many people face early in their transition. It is very common, and we see this issue brought up here repeatedly. That doesn't mean it is wrong. It is a very real concern.

The problem with "passing" is that, by definition, it relies on others' opinions. We have this image in our minds of what certain types of people look like, and that becomes a standard we try to meet to fit in. But everyone has a different opinion of what that looks like.

For example, look at the attached photo. Can you tell with any certainty which of these people is:

Catholic? or Mormon?

Born in Germany or Spain?

Is a wanted criminal?

Works as an electrician?

Cuts their own hair?

Is a pathological liar?

The fact is that we cannot tell with any certainty which of these is true without knowing more about them.

So why is being transgender any different? Even if someone knows, or suspects, you are transgender, maybe you are not MtF but FtM instead? Maybe you are intersex or have PCOS.

Appearance alone is fallible. When we set unrealistic goals for ourselves, we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment.

And the reality is, why does it matter? It is not possible to appease everyone and satisfy everyone's ideal image of what YOU should look like.

However, when you just be yourself, let your personality be what it is, people begin to see that you are a good person, and it doesn't matter what clothes you wear or whether you wear makeup.

Those who have transitioned long before us do not focus on "passing". Is it because they have achieved all of their goals? Partially, yes. But they have moved on from worrying about how they look and act to just being themselves. They have accepted who they are and are comfortable just living their lives as themselves.

My advice is, and always has been, not to worry about what others think. No matter what their opinion is, it is probably wrong if they don't know you. Just be yourself and work on what makes you happy. Do not measure yourself according to standards set by society hundreds of years ago. Measure yourself according to yourself. Have you improved from where you were? Do you look better? Have your behaviors improved from where you started? These are the questions that matter.

[Dawn Kellie]

You all make great observations and points. 
As I'm just starting my journey the thought of passing is so far away for me.
Alot of my concern is getting out of my own head. I've seen the same face with the same facial hair, the same hairstyle and the same every thing for so long. As I start on HRT or even have surgeries I will still see the same things. I look I the mirror now and wonder what will be looking back at me. I have to find away to let that go. I will always see what the clues to what I was. I have to allow what I'm to become fill my thoughts. No matter how good I look I will wonder am I passing. Every snicker, whispered comment will make me think no I'm not. However, how do I know it's focused at me. Am I being so self centered that everyone is looking at me. Let's all be honest, most of the world if they can tell. They don't care. You will always have the smooth brains that make themselves feel better by putting someone else down. They are arses.
We have to be happy with ourselves and project what we are. The world will fall in step.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks for the replies to which all make sense and I agree. I personally am getting a little closer each day to self acceptance. But then I remember the feeling coming out of the cubicle in the ladies, eyes boring into me and the person saying 'lord of mercy' to me. I can't help think that fear is driving my desire to pass above everything now. For instance I can't imagine being comfortable using a swimming pool changing room. You could not make me goto a swimming pool for love nor money right now. That feels a real tangible problem.

As such that adds a new dimension above just how I feel, but also how much I can anticipate and handle potential conflict.

Charlotte 😻

[Courtney G]

My goal is to be left alone. To be respected and affirmed would be nice, but to NOT be laughed at, looked upon with disgust, heckled, etc. is the primary goal. If I'm honest, I would not mind to be a "boy with a girl's body" if that's the way people read me, if only that was more acceptable. I'm very adverse to judgements and negativity (this is something I'm trying to work through), so I really want to pass for the privilege of having people leave me be.

[Courtney G]

You could not make me goto a swimming pool for love nor money right now. That feels a real tangible problem.

I built/installed a 7'x12' "Endless" pool on my property last year and had only swam once during the day, for a very brief time. My wife and I both went into the pool on Saturday and I wore a bikini top. I did fear that a neighbor would happen to stroll onto our property (which doesn't happen) but I did it anyway. It was wonderful.

I wish you could come and visit with me and have a swim in our pool!

[Pema]

I'm with Kathy. My concern isn't about what people think (that's their business), but how they *treat* me, specifically whether they make an effort to be unpleasant because I'm transgender. Really, anything other than that is OK with me, and ultimately, I have zero control over whether someone chooses to behave that way.

I am who I am, I'm happy being who I am, and other people will respond however they do. I have no illusion that I can control their feelings or behaviors.

[Stottie Girl]

My goal is to be left alone. To be respected and affirmed would be nice, but to NOT be laughed at, looked upon with disgust, heckled, etc. is the primary goal.

This is my goal too above all others. I don't think I can go though with it if I don't think there is a least a chance I will blend in.

I hate standing out, I don't wear loud clothing, I'm quiet, I keep myself to myself and go about my day on the fringes really. I would hate to be the focus of everyones attention. I think I would go nuts and become a total recluse. I wish I could just think, the hell with them, that is a them problem but I can't, it will eat me up inside.

What Charlotte says about bias is very true, you cannot trust your own or anyone elses comments as they may not wish to offend or hurt you. Someone on here mentioned they used a gender or face swap app which wanted to swap their image to a male one i.e. it gendered them correctly. I wonder if facial recognition software is the ultimate litmus test of whether we pass or not.

Although, thinking about it, there is so much more to passing than just your image. There's your voice, the way you walk and stand, your mannerisms, sometimes your choice of words. There are so many little telltales it is a bit of a minefield really.

[KathyLauren]

I would hate to be the focus of everyones attention.

I had an interesting experience early on that cured me of that fear.  Months before I came out, I had been asked to do a presentation to the regional astronomy society, and had agreed without thinking it through.  Then I came out. 

I asked the organizer who recruited me for the talk if that was going to be a problem.  He was totally matter-of-fact: "You know what you know and we want to hear about it.  We can cancel you if you insist, but we'd rather not."  So I was kind of committed.  By the time of the presentation, I had perky little pubescent boobs and a wig, but not much else that was gender-affirming.  Taking a deep breath, I trusted the members and plunged ahead with it.  All went well.

After that, I never worried about being the focus of attention.  The attention there was about as focused as you can get: 50 pairs of eyes on me, listening to every word I said.  I got some nice comments afterwards.  It felt SO good to have done that.

[Stottie Girl]

See that's a funny quirk with me. I am fine with doing presentations and I used to do drama all through school and was involved in youth theatre stuff. On stage I can cope with the attention. It's everyday life that I shirk and fall away into the shadows. Maybe I should view it as a theatre performance and I might be able to cope better.

In fact that reminds me of one of my most afirming experiences as a school kid. I had to perform in a harvest festival play in front of my year and parents and teachers aged about 13. I was supposed to be a space explorer emerging out of a spaceship onto planet earth but my costume was a glittery wig, grey tights and a short tunic top that looked like a dress! I was first on stage and had an opening monolgue. It felt incredible to be standing there effectively dressed as a girl in front of everyone. After the show my mum was telling me she could hear people asking who the girl was until I spoke! Sorry I segued a bit there!

Funny that didn't bother me though. Maybe this fear of not blending in has been a later development.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Maybe this fear of not blending in has been a later development.

As kids, we are very resilient and imaginative.

As we grow older, the programming we receive from society, friends, and family takes root.

Be like Charlotte and never let go of the childlike whimsy. Have fun and be yourself. It is when we are not being ourselves that we lose the whimsy and the happiness. We start to question what we are doing. And it is almost always that we measure ourselves against an external standard.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

See I'm completely the opposite. I was terrified, shy and embarrassed as a kid and into early adulthood. I absolutely never performed in front of an audience! It's only as I've got into my late 20s that I got more confident with expression. Since turning 40 I became my most confident.

The thing is though,  it's not that I'm retaining my childlike personality. It's more like I would prefer to be like that permanently. I wish I didn't have any responsibilities and could just regress fully to being childlike.

I mean me and my partner have been watching care bears every night. I feel happy, safe and relaxed at that point.

Charlotte 😻

[Dawn Kellie]

I've always been self reliant. I was always the one that would say I don't know but I'll figure it out. Drives my wife crazy. I'm not typical, I get sick I want to be left alone. My wife tries to hover and take care of me and I don't like it. Im perfectly happy by myself and I've gotten up.and taught Bible study to adults.
So when I commit I go forward. Not saying I cant change my course or slow down. Once a decision is made, unless there are factors that make a change necessary i move forward. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

I have always been self-reliant since I was five years old. I nearly drowned in a swimming pool at the feet (seriously 3feet/1 meter from her feet) of my babysitter. I was screaming and thrashing around, and made it to the side. I asked her why she didn't help me. She looked over her newspaper at me and said she thought I was playing. After that, I stopped relying on people.

In Grade School, I was picked to fill in on stage for one of the kids who was out sick that day. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't read the lines.

Yet, in the military and in the electrical union, I taught classes and enjoyed it. No stage fright at all. Public speaking has never been an issue. But I agree with everyone else that safety is a concern. I am well-trained in self-defense, so it isn't a fear of being attacked. But every time I get sick, it is because I was out and about among people. As an introvert, I have no problem being alone and don't get lonely.

But I understand others' feelings are different from mine.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm completely self reliant too as had to be. My ex was overtaken with drug addiction so I single handedly elevated my career, bought my house in my name, renovated it amongst many other things. This whilst he was bringing in nothing and costing me a fortune. Somehow I did that for a 18 year relationship! Even now the house and bills are entirely covered by me alone. If I fall, everything goes down with me.

Literally there isn't anyone around here apart from my partner I can call upon if I'm in need. So if it needs sorting I gotta do it.


Charlotte 😻

[Dawn Kellie]

I'm completely self reliant too as had to be. My ex was overtaken with drug addiction so I single handedly elevated my career, bought my house in my name, renovated it amongst many other things. This whilst he was bringing in nothing and costing me a fortune. Somehow I did that for a 18 year relationship! Even now the house and bills are entirely covered by me alone. If I fall, everything goes down with me.

Literally there isn't anyone around here apart from my partner I can call upon if I'm in need. So if it needs sorting I gotta do it.


Charlotte 😻

You're amazing

[Stottie Girl]

I have always been self-reliant since I was five years old. I nearly drowned in a swimming pool at the feet (seriously 3feet/1 meter from her feet) of my babysitter. I was screaming and thrashing around, and made it to the side. I asked her why she didn't help me. She looked over her newspaper at me and said she thought I was playing. After that, I stopped relying on people.

In Grade School, I was picked to fill in on stage for one of the kids who was out sick that day. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't read the lines.

Yet, in the military and in the electrical union, I taught classes and enjoyed it. No stage fright at all. Public speaking has never been an issue. But I agree with everyone else that safety is a concern. I am well-trained in self-defense, so it isn't a fear of being attacked. But every time I get sick, it is because I was out and about among people. As an introvert, I have no problem being alone and don't get lonely.

But I understand others' feelings are different from mine.

Having been alone since I left home I am clearly self reliant and I definitely have been an introvert. I am used to being alone but more recently I have begun to feel acute loneliness creeping into me. Letting Sarah off the leash on here has opened my mind up to the possibility that maybe if I transition fully I could find someone and not be alone for the rest of my life. I have to say that prospect does appeal. When my parents finally pass on (and they are in their 80's) I will be almost totally alone and that does kind of scare me a bit.

I think I am changing in ways I hadn't expected. Whether that will translate to a greater self confidence I don't know. But it is important to me to pass to give myself the best chance that someone might want to be with me. My current halfway house position isn't workable for relationships I don't think.

[Dawn Kellie]

What ever happens in your life you have an American cousin that will listen and cheer for you.

[Lori Dee ✅]

But it is important to me to pass to give myself the best chance that someone might want to be with me.

Keep an open mind. There are many, many people who do not care about looks, are attracted to transgender women, and many who would love you for who you are, whether you pass or not. Do not think for a moment that you must look a certain way to be attractive.

I think you are adorable as you are, and we have never met!