Tomorrow is my 2nd pyschologists visit

[ChrissyRyan]

Thank you Annika.
I have enjoyed reading about your journey but my heart is breaking reading what you are currently going through.

I didn't mean for this to become a blog but c'est la vie.

So to elaborate a bit more (and this will likely out me)
3 years almost ago I was involved in a vehicle accident where a van pulled out on my and I hit it at 50kmph on my bicycle.

I broke 12 ribs and my sternum.

I never fully recovered from that and have ongoing neck and back issues.

While recovering scans revealed I had a blocked artery, usually called the widow maker, so I ended up having open heart surgery for a double bypass.

It got to the point that I was struggling at work and couldn't safely do my job.

It was only well after the accident that I found I had cracked my helmet.

My wife had been insisting that I had mentally changed after the accident but she couldn't put a finger on exactly what was amiss, just that I had lost a mind filter and my personality had changed.

My psychologist proposed this is why I'm now crossdressing again.  Whatever allowed me to bury it for so long has been destroyed.

I'm really struggling to control impulses, impulses that could blow up my life.

My wife is a really wonderful person and she accepts so much of me. But everybody has their limits.

This used to be a fetish that I despised after release but now it's a compulsion which makes me feel peaceful.

I get excited about taking steps forward (non sexually excited)

Thursday is my next beard laser and a week after that will be a month since starting shaping my brows. I can't wait for my next visit.

I still harbour internal prejudice about what I'm doing. I hate myself for that. When I come across other people in this position I have nothing but love and compassion.

I've obsessively been reading other peoples experiences and it seems that I have a LOT in common with transgender MTF girls. Way more than I thought possible. 

Petunia,


I hope you are doing really welll today.  💅🏻


Chrissy

[KristaFairchild]

Yes Krista, I didn't have to cut it because out hsirdresser sided with me which probably give me 6 to 8 weeks more growth.

I really want to put it in a ponytail, even though it's thin and then think about styling.

My hair is mixed. I work my curls to look famine but it's not the thick mane I once had and it's quite thin on top. It's look just ok from the front. 

Freeing me up for any hair I want via wigs! Slowly my mind is accepting that wigs and breast forms are like makeup and clothing, not cheating or fake. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

Slowly my mind is accepting that wigs and breast forms are like makeup and clothing, not cheating or fake. 

That's how I see it. Just makeup and accessories, like jewelry. Things done to enhance our appearance.

[Petunia]

Yesterday was my 3rd face and neck laser appointment.
The first 2 visits were quite stingy and I left lsthered in sweat, but yesterday I asked if they had turned down the intensity.

They hadn't. I guess most of the ugly dark hair has been burnt out. I have a lot of grey stubble but it is quite hard to see and if I shave closely it is quite smooth.

I don't know what I'll do with the greys and I think I have either 5 or 7 more laser sessions to go anyway

[Petunia]

My wife refused to touch my rough face last night. She hates male hair as much as I do, except for the hair I used to have on my forearms.

It was soft, quite long, but not to thick.
The colour was quite golden in the right light. Nothing like the usual thick black mens hair you sometimes see.

But after my last operation when all my body hair was shaved, I have continued to keep my body as smooth as I can.

Today I shaved my face and she seemed impressed at how smooth it is.

I am very content with where I am at the moment after coming out of a tough few years and a deep depression but at the same time my wife is heading in the opposite direction after caring and dispairing for me
... and then having to deal with a (reappearing) crossdressing husband.

End of another venting

Thanks to anybody who reads this far

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm glad to hear that your wife prefers you hair free. That itself is a little win at least, allowing you to feminise in that way. Also good that you are out of that deep depressive phase. I do hope that your wife can somehow come to terms with it all though and not get depressed herself as you indicate she may be. It sounds a tough balancing act for sure.

Sending lots of love and hugs.

Charlotte XX

[Petunia]

Thank you Charlotte.  We are tryimg to step our way through it.

[Petunia]

I had expected to post here at least 3 times explaining what has been happening with me.

Some positive some very negative, but I didn't

And then last night happened.

I had a big day, cut the grass, walked the dog, did the washing, did the dishes, scrubbed the toilet, went to the movies with my wife and a friend, went and did the groceries, dried the clothes that were damp, organised the dogs food for the next month, folded up all the clothes, cooked lunch and dinner.

Sitting down after dinner with a glass of wine I broke down into tears and had to go to bed at 7pm, and couldn't stop crying until after midnight by which time I evacuated to the lounge.

It's easy to see looking at the above now that I tried to do too much, but I am still frying my brain trying to work out what I'm doing and where I'm headed.

Hours later, that makes me want to cry again.

[Stottie Girl]

Honestly, as someone who lives alone and has to do everything themselves that doesn't seem too much to me. I think it is far more likely to be the weight of transition on your mind and your brain just got overloaded a bit. As you sort through things and define your own path it will calm down. Of course, if you start HRT then your emotions will be all over the place again! But that too will calm down eventually.

Sarah xx

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

You definitely got through some tasks there, more than I can push myself to do in a whole week sometimes.

But I'm feeling there is a lot on your mind and unsurprisingly so. I'm guessing you really want to be living your truth far more than you are. But still that would come at a big cost potentially. I certainly feel pain for you and all the others here that are under ultimatums regarding living authentically. It hurts my heart each time I see this, so cant imagine the confusion and feelings from your side.

Sending you my love and hugz. Feel free to message or explore your thoughts here as it might help.

Charlotte 😻

[ChrissyRyan]

I had expected to post here at least 3 times explaining what has been happening with me.

Some positive some very negative, but I didn't

And then last night happened.

I had a big day, cut the grass, walked the dog, did the washing, did the dishes, scrubbed the toilet, went to the movies with my wife and a friend, went and did the groceries, dried the clothes that were damp, organised the dogs food for the next month, folded up all the clothes, cooked lunch and dinner.

Sitting down after dinner with a glass of wine I broke down into tears and had to go to bed at 7pm, and couldn't stop crying until after midnight by which time I evacuated to the lounge.

It's easy to see looking at the above now that I tried to do too much, but I am still frying my brain trying to work out what I'm doing and where I'm headed.

Hours later, that makes me want to cry again.

You were quite busy.  I have found it far easier to cry as I have been transitioning.  We all need rest too.  Your transition will be different from others, it is such a personal chain of events.  Take your time, maintain clarity as much as possible as to what you are feeling, what you are thinking, and your goals.

Hugs,

Chrissy