Krista’s Celebrations and Doubts

[Mariah ✅]

So happy for you. Your confidence reminds me of the confidence my spouse had when she first transitioned.Hugs
Mariah

When I started this blog and posted this at the end of April, I could not anticipate what would come next. I knew the direction I was going, but not the details and part of me wondered if I would ever arrive. I wasn't sure if my wife would accept me as Krista. I was still terrified of presenting as a woman. I was equally terrified that if I did present, this woman that I would look absolutely horrible and ridiculous.

I can't remember exactly when I came fully out in public, but it was something like three weeks ago. The biggest moments have been in the last week. Although there have been a lot of affirmations, there have been a notable number of strange looks. Most recently there was a viral blowup on a Facebook page about me, not because of the amazing work that I do, but because I was interviewed about that work while we're wearing a wig and a beautiful outfit. Although I haven't read the comments, I know a little bit about some of them, and I know how hurtful, cruel, and even dangerous people can be in my area.

Yet , it's not slowing me down at all. i've never felt this good in this right in my entire life. Even when I was moving forward, I didn't know it would feel this good. I would put hope on one side of the scale and fear would go on the other side of the scale. I move forward only because I couldn't find a way to move back.

So despite the rough past few days, I feel amazing. I may not look very feminine, and I may not even look very good, but for whatever reason, my eyes don't believe either of those things. I've done some dress up days and pose for the camera and I can't stop looking at myself. It's like I'm looking at me for the first time. I could easily be completely deceiving myself, but I like what I see in the mirror. I still hate my voice, but we won't go there.

I've been presenting in various levels of femininity for years, but coming fully out has been euphoric. But it's been more than that, it's been warm and safe and affirming. It's made me feel like myself in a way that I never have before. I'm not that trans woman who was suffering as a child or a young adult even. I never felt like I was in the wrong skin. Even when I realized about seven years ago, that I might not be fully male, I wasn't distressed about it.

As I type, I look down at my legs and they are smooth and hairless. I often use just a touch of Sally Hansen leg makeup, and it evens out the tone. It makes me feel like my former legs were never right, but I just couldn't see it.

A few minutes ago, I was watching a TV show in a sweater dress. I crossed my arms and felt my breast forms resting on them and it seemed ever so right. It was like my breast have been amputated at birth, and now they were back. I know there's three things wrong about that last sentence but it just feels like something has been replaced that was missing. I hope estradiol gives me natural ones, but if not, this is fine.

I've always hated people taking my picture. Many years ago, I decided I wouldn't be afraid of it and I would allow people to photograph me, but I can count on one hand the number of photos that I thought looked OK.

Now I'm like a model. I put on my makeup and especially my lipstick and smile for the camera. I giggle and laugh and pout as I pose. It continues to surprise me that when I look at these photos that I like what I see. I keep thinking that I'll wake up and realize that all of this is some kind of a sham, But the opposite is happening.

Just a few weeks ago, I would go out in public with something feminine on, like an extremely feminine blouse with makeup, and feel tense the whole time. Today I go out in that same outfit or maybe even a dress along with my wig, breast forms and bold red lipstick that I've always long to wear. I find myself chatting with people like I always have. I talk to strangers in lines at the grocery store. I smile at people randomly when I walk by them and they smile back. Sometimes I even feel flirtatious.

I definitely have moments when I'm scanning for danger and I'm aware from the recent Facebook incident that there is hatred in my county, But nothing is taking my joy away.

It took me 64 years, but I have arrived at my best self and my most authentic self.

Along the way there have been hundreds of people who liked things that I've said in here. People have clicked things and quoted me and supported me. This accelerated my process and I am ever so grateful. Thank you, friends!

[KristaFairchild]

I have a positive political story to share. Yes, it happens. 

About 15 years ago, a friend of mine on Facebook was friends with a newspaper reporter, Bruce. There were a lot of interesting posts by Bruce, often somewhat political. He had both liberal and conservative friends, and typically the discussions were evidence-based and respectful. I engaged often, and I think I only blocked one of his friends. 

For context, I live in the most conservative district in California. Before you think that the most conservative district in California is far more liberal than where you live, feel free to look up Shasta County Politics. You will find that Registrar of voters is an election denier who doesn't trust voting machines. You will find an area where a republican was recalled because he wasn't right wing enough. He had represented the area for about 20 years. You will find a county board of supervisors that is frequently in the news because of the incredibly disrespectful way that they treat each other and citizens that attend that meeting. 

I'm very grateful I live in a deeply blue state even though I'm in a deeply red area.

Anyway, Bruce left his not very lucrative newspaper job to work for one of our Republican representatives. I continue to be Facebook friends with him, and the conversation weren't quite as political because he had to be more cautious in his new role, but were always invigorating. 

I had never actually met Bruce unless we count the time he walked by my office and waved at me and walked on. About nine years ago, he asked if I would like to meet him for lunch. Having no idea what this would be about, I went to lunch with Bruce. 

He knew that I am a flaming liberal. He nonetheless asked me if I would be interested in joining a school board that he was on. He said he had found my comments, always respectful and pro student. I was impressed that he would reach across the aisle. so to speak, to bring a new board number on with no experience. I joined that board and was on it for six years. I think Bruce and I voted differently on exactly one issue that came up during the pandemic. As always, his point of view was not unreasonable, unlike some members of the board. I disagreed, we voted, and it was over with no negative fallout between the two of us.

When the topic of trans students came up, I found that the superintendent felt that she was already doing a remarkable job throughout the district because she was launching a lot of equity programs. None of those programs ever mention being trans, and despite the multitude of data and anecdotes that I provided her, I felt completely ignored. I left the board two weeks later. 

Bruce and I had had parking lot conversations about LGBTQ and trans students. I would say he was somewhat supportive of trans student rights, and certainly not a bigot, but it was clear he didn't really get it either. I offered a couple thoughts, but didn't press the issue hard. I know people have to come to their own conclusions.

About a year and a half later I transitioned. As some of you know, I was interviewed for aTV spot that  had nothing to do with LGBTQ (except that I was trans) was ripped into by some members of the community on Facebook. 

Bruce immediately reached out to to me to offer support. His thoughts about the people with their negative comments was, "To hell with them." 

We met in person today for the first time since I had transitioned, and for the very first time, Bruce did not offer a handshake but instead a hug. The first hug after knowing each other for all those years. I think it meant something. 

The board that oversees where I work has an opening and Bruce is running for it. Our board has a significant number of far right numbers now, a huge change from a few years ago. It's an intentional effort to take over school boards by the far right. 

I am supporting Bruce. I can't imagine a better liaison than him. He certainly doesn't support the right wing agenda, but as a republican, he can help to bring some peace to that board, and I know his votes will always be reasonable and supportive students. 

There's nothing like honest, open conversation to break down the walls of politics at times. I'm grateful to Bruce for teaching me that.

[Mariah ✅]

Krista, sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm glad you have someone like that around especially in these day and times. Hugs
Mariah