Krista’s Celebrations and Doubts

[Petunia]

Krista, It's hard to unlearn a liftime of imprinted prejudices that came from our generation

I tend to look at my best friends who are a lesbian couple. One tends to take on the "traditional masculine" jobs with relish. See's physical work as a challenge and accomplishment.

She's the fierce girl type who will tackle any job providing she is safe.

If it's good enough for her it's good enough for me. Do things you want to do or things you are good at.

Most tasks have no gender

[KristaFairchild]

Today was a big day for me, though as so often happens, I made it bigger than it had to be.

I was fully out as Krista today. Knee length black skirt, purple velvet v-neck peplum top, black pumps, full makeup with bold lipstick, gold jewelry.

I was out at work. Passed many people in the hallway. Had meetings. No one blocked. Many offered compliments.

And I scheduled a doctors appointment about HRT.

🎉🎉🎉

[Lori Dee ✅]

That is all great news, Krista!

Congrats on a great day. I suspect there will be many more in your future.

[Stottie Girl]

Today was a big day for me, though as so often happens, I made it bigger than it had to be.

I was fully out as Krista today. Knee length black skirt, purple velvet v-neck peplum top, black pumps, full makeup with bold lipstick, gold jewelry.

I was out at work. Passed many people in the hallway. Had meetings. No one blocked. Many offered compliments.

And I scheduled a doctors appointment about HRT.

🎉🎉🎉

Wow, a big day indeed. You are so brave. I'm so glad work went ok for you too. Onwards and upwards!

[ChrissyRyan]

Today was a big day for me, though as so often happens, I made it bigger than it had to be.

I was fully out as Krista today. Knee length black skirt, purple velvet v-neck peplum top, black pumps, full makeup with bold lipstick, gold jewelry.

I was out at work. Passed many people in the hallway. Had meetings. No one blocked. Many offered compliments.

And I scheduled a doctors appointment about HRT.

🎉🎉🎉

You had a great day out!


Chrissy

[KristaFairchild]

This journey keeps getting easier and more joyous. I realized that I was trying to pass, though I denied it. Now it's helping me to frame it as wanting to be seen as trans, and to do what many women do, enhance my looks as I choose to. 

Today I went to pick up somone sparkly eyeshadow I had ordered from Target. The pickup person was busy and called over an associate, saying, "They need help with an order." I appreciated the "they" that was said casually.  I would have preferred "she"  but too many times I hear "he" unless I'm 100% en femme. 

The associate was trans. The universe keeps opening my eyes, and doors with people welcoming me. She brought me my order and said it would like nice on me. 

Sometimes assumptions are nice. 

I asked about Pride at Target. Two years ago it was a huge display at the front of the store, in a Trumpland city. Last year it moved to the back. She told me Target had remove protection for trans employees (though in California we have strong laws, somewhat muddied by federal policies). She said the Pride display would not be at the front. Maybe not anywhere. 

Yet there is hope when we make connections. I won't be silenced or have my hands tied. 

[KristaFairchild]

I saw this today. 

Longing —> hesitation —> first experience—> relief —> integration 

Yes

Some things have taken years and some things are taking days, but this is the process. Recently, it's been breast forms. 

I long for that aligned shape and their warm feeling on my chest. For the way my silhouette morphs into rightness in a dress, a dress I still won't wear outside often except for special events. But want breast forms daily, not just for special nights. Even just under a sweater or blouse. 

First experience in public or at work is next. It's like I'm longing for it and resisting at the same time. 

But this is how it goes with EVERYTHING. Longing —> hesitation —> first experience—> relief —> integration 

Example: shoes. Especially heels. 

Longing...imagining...admiring...online shopping...wish listing

Not buying. Debating. They sit in a wish list that I view often. Can I?! Can I give myself permission? I should! I shouldn't. It's me! I'm not ready. My environment isn't ready. What will make this change?

I finally wear them to work. It's scary and blissful. My daily dress slacks never looked so feminine. I'm seen by dozens of people. After work I'm ecstatic that I did it! Nothing bad happened and lots of good happened!

Then I start wearing them to work often and relax into who I am. Soon I have two pairs of pumps and two of sandals. Integration!




I can't resist the breast forms much longer. Why do I resist the inevitable?

[Lori Dee ✅]

Humans are homeostatic by nature. We resist change. We get settled into our comfort zone and don't want to leave. It may be a wonderful thing we strive for, but in the back of our minds is that little voice warning us that it might be too dangerous.

Then we step forward anyway. It turns out to be okay. We tell the little voice, "See? It was good!" And the little voice says, "Yes, this time..." and we start questioning again.

I went from never going outside dressed to spending hours on makeup before going out anywhere. Eventually, I just learned to relax. If someone has a problem with how I look, that is their problem, not mine. But safety first.

[KristaFairchild]

Why is ted lipstick a sticking point for me? I've been wearing many shades of Clinique for months. Currently Love Pop on most days. It's not subtle. 

But red scares me. 

However, I'm taking it on! I not only love it, I think it's a good color on me. I created a brutally honest AI mode (whew!) and it agrees. That helps; I need something objective even if it's a computer program. 

So far:
1. Red in queer spaces often. Out and bold!
2. Red at work once and no one blinked. 
3. Today at an out of town conference and on the road, red dabbed over Love Pop - I loved it. 
4. Committing to what I love as I move forward, dammit! 

I know. I post drivel. But it's helpful to me. 

[Stottie Girl]

I prefer more muted natural colours rather than bold red as I am a bit of an introvert and don't like to draw attention to myself too much. I use L'oreal Colour Riche lippy and specifically shades such as "107 Seine Sunrise" for effect and "235  Nude" if I'm going for a more subtle natural look.

I find these lipsticks to be lovely and creamy and they seem to last for ages too. I haven't tried clinique stuff at all though in any type of makeup. They seem to have a good reputation.

[Petunia]

Sarah, I agree with your lipstick choice.

I originally went with 236 but in the wrong light it can be a little dark for me as I'm not attempting to pass.

I went back and bought 235 and have been wearing it daily. It matches my lip colour and smoothes them out.

I agree about how creamy the l'oreal lipstick feels.
I did try a lancome lipstick years ago which was really nice but it's a bit to pricey.

[Alana Ashleigh]

Sarah, I'm the same way. I love a good nude lip. Most days, it's a nude lip balm, or lip oil. The days I feel bold, I go with Mac honey love lipstick.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I use Maybelline ColorStay in light pink. It stains the lips, so even after it wears off, there is still a hint of color.

[davina61]

Depends on what I am wearing, if it has red in it then its my "in yer face" red lippy. Most of the time its a orangy hint of red one.

[Petunia]

Hey Lori, it wouldn't matter what lipstick you wear, you are going to attract attention and people who want to kiss you

[Petunia]

If you are going to wear a bold red make sure you have white teeth.

If anything is going to highlight anything than other than bright teeth is red lipstick.

For the Brits, refer to Queen Elizabth2' mum.

[KristaFairchild]

When I read posts from others, I see many people who know the gender of their soul intuitively, and many of them for most of their lives. 

And I'm jealous. Or is envious a better word, because I'm joyful for them? 

In my own head, there is confusion. Almost a battle that I mediate. I guess that means there are three of me. 

My body craves the femininity like oxygen. I'm three years into making myself the same question each day. "How feminine may I be today?" Do you hear the permission request? I'm ding better with that recently. 

My mind likes to question this in what sounds like healthy ways and fits my lifetime of scientific approach. Where is the evidence? Do the data fit the conclusions? How can I analyze this more thoroughly?

My mediator is done with my logical mind. It's getting limited to where it is most useful and that is NOT about my gender. 

My current approach is to enjoy my love of:
Being called Krista
Wearing skirts 
Openly affirming my gender with people when it feels right 
Wearing lipstick that make me feel steady yet tingly 

Most of all, when I get ready for my day I ask what Krista wants, not what I think the people I'll see would give me permission to be. 

I did this for two weeks last month before slipping back into analysis mode. I'm planning to persevere longer this time. 

I have a gender therapy appointment soon. My insurance doesn't cover it so I can't only afford once a month, but she is worth it. 

I have my first appointment about HRT on Thursday. I used to think HRT wasn't for me due to my age. Now that I have an appointment, I feel more excited. Would it help me feel more aligned? Would it give me even small bumps on my chest instead of flat? I used to dismiss A cups as not meaning much, but I'm seeing things differently now. 

Now back to my bubble bath. I've always smiled at my pink toenails peeking out of the white suds. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

Would it help me feel more aligned? Would it give me even small bumps on my chest instead of flat?

Yes. And yes.

If it doesn't help you feel more aligned, or if you sense something is still off, discuss it with your therapist at the next visit. Deep down, your subconscious mind knows what it needs. If estrogen fills that need, you will notice improvement in your mood and generally how you feel. Some even feel euphoric from it.

But the opposite is also true. If it is not what your body needs for that alignment, it will affect your mood. Watch for those danger signs, like depression, or the feeling that something isn't right. That could signal that this is not the right path for you. It isn't right for everyone. That is okay, as it is information about what you need and what you don't.

Either way, at about the six month mark, breasts will be growing. That's the biology part vs the psychology part.

Good luck on your appointments. Let us know how it goes.

[Dances With Trees]

We sail similar vessels, Krista!

As much as I yearn to self-identify as she/her and live more fully as a woman, the mirror and the content of many of my dreams insist I'm not. I considered they/them, she/they, and they/her before settling on he/her.

For years, I thought I was gender confused. But I'm not. I'm comfortable with who I am and how I present.

I loved my months on Estradiol! If I had been able to sustain HRT (it's a long story) perhaps I would have affirmed more feminine pronouns. But it was quite the ride. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

[Stottie Girl]

Yes, good luck on your appointments, hope all goes well for you.

Your feelings are no less valid just because you arrived at them later in life. I don't know for sure but I feel the majority of people at Susans have arrived late to the party so to speak. I wouldn't be envious, it doesn't make life any easier in my opinion. In fact you may have lived your life in blissful ignorance up till now which I feel might be better than carrying this with you all your life like I have.

HRT is the real test in my opinion. Once the changes start to take hold you should know if you are on the right path. It is not a magic pill though, the changes takes years but you should feel enough of a change early on to decide for yourself before things become irreversible.