Is full transition really the only sane way to go?

[Valerie.Val]

I had a phone counselling right now, and the lady had a similar history to mine (middle aged, married etc). I described my pain, how hard it is to be in "dude mode" suddenly, the hours of crying.

She said it will only get worse if I do nothing. And basically she said, if I do hormones and change my presentation, I'll come to realise that something will no longer fit between the legs.

Reading across the posts here, I also get the impression that it's the only sane way to go. So my desperate question: anyone here found some middle ground and lives happy with that? I just right now can't imagine turning my whole life, and that of my wife, completely upside down.

Thank you!
Val

[CosmicJoke]

I had a phone counselling right now, and the lady had a similar history to mine (middle aged, married etc). I described my pain, how hard it is to be in "dude mode" suddenly, the hours of crying.

She said it will only get worse if I do nothing. And basically she said, if I do hormones and change my presentation, I'll come to realise that something will no longer fit between the legs.

Reading across the posts here, I also get the impression that it's the only sane way to go. So my desperate question: anyone here found some middle ground and lives happy with that? I just right now can't imagine turning my whole life, and that of my wife, completely upside down.

Thank you!
Val

You could try to go the androgyne or non binary route maybe. It seems alot more people are going by "they and them" pronouns these days.

I don't think transition is a smooth ride for everyone. That's why I think it's good to do alot of soul searching first.

[Jessica_Rose ✅]

Welcome to Susan's, Val.

There is no one solution for everyone. While some people jump on the transition train knowing their destination, others may decide to get off the train before going 'all the way'. There are many points along the route where you may want to hang out for a while, you may even decide you have reached the perfect destination long before you imagined. The path to finding peace and feeling comfortable in your own skin is different for each of us. Only you can judge when you finally find your own personal paradise.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Maid Marion]

It depends on where you live.  I live in a very accepting community.  I pass as  woman wearing female golf clothes as I'm 5ft 2in with a petite hourglass figure.  My voice and mannerisms are totally appropriate for a female presentation.  I bought a sub sandwich from Jersey Mike's and used the single occupancy male/female/other restroom to wash my hands.

I used to male-fail constantly for twenty years when I had a full beard.

[Valerie.Val]

Thank you all!

@CosmicJoke yeah at first I thought I was non binary but I guess that was my dude persona fighting back. Now I've learned that it can feel absolutely great to wear certain clothes, smell flowery, move gracefully, and I know my truth is female. By now I feel uncomfortable using my male name.

@Jessica_Rose thank you for those encouraging words, this takes a lot of pressure out of it.

@Maid Marion awesome, how cool to be blessed with such a body! I'm more of a blocky 185 cm (72 inches I guess). But a few days before my realisation, a little female voice in my head told me "no you don't have that snack now." "no, you don't need to eat more." Lost 7 kilos already :-D

[ChrissyRyan]

Transitioning is not the answer for everyone.  It is hard.

It can be just what is needed.

Clarity is helped by talking with others, good therapists, and with those whose lives you most closely touch.

Many transitioners can lose a lot.  Many transitioners gain a lot, including comfort and peace of mind.

While people can detransition it may be increasingly unwanted and harder to do the further you do transition.  Yet, detransitioning may be what is right for some people. 

If using medically managed HRT there may be permanent physical (and mental and emotional) changes that may not revert the longer you use this medicine.

I would think that a woman married a man never thinks about becoming married to the same person, a woman, later in life.  It is not fair in my eyes to expect that a spouse to stay forever with a person who transitions.  Yet, it is important to be open with your spouse for those that have one.  Some spouses stay with those that transition.  They may always love their transitioned spouses but have no interest in living with them.

I wish you much clarity and happiness.  There are a lot of issues with transitioning.

There can also be many delights to transitioning.  It may be just right for lot of people. You also do not have to "completely transition."  You may find that you will delight in a partial transition.  What is right for you can differ a lot from what worked out well for others.

There are other things that can be compromises, such as limited expressions of your gender. There are lots of posts here that explain many of the issues, limitations, compromises, lifestyle changes, and so on. 

Many of the blogs, including mine, have talked and continue to talk about our transition journeys. 

Chrissy

[Valerie.Val]

Thanks Chrissy for your perspectives, this is helpful! <3

[Valerie.Val]

...and indeed. I can't expect my spouse to stay, even if she said she will. Also the situation at work will be tricky.  I live rural, walking here in public will suck hard but we can't just leave our lives here behind. Also kids are involved. Lots to lose.

[Stottie Girl]

I can't speak for the relationship side of things but I have been living life in the closet all my life and for the last 4 years on HRT. You absolutely can live a hybrid life, though it is dificult. As others have said there is no defined or "right" path you have to follow. Some people never transition at all.

I know I will transition fully eventually and I am closer now than I have ever been. I think about it constantly and it is on my mind now more than ever as I've gotten older. I believe the only way I can silence the inner turmoil is to transition but others may find peace with less.

If you do start HRT though, there is a very strong possibility that you will want to continue the journey to it's conclusion. How this will affect your relationship with your partner is an unknown but you need to be prepared that you may loose them if you transition. That said, there are several examples of happy couples on here.

Ultimately we can't make this sort of a decision for you as only you will know what is important to you.

[KathyLauren]

There is no one path for everyone.  Your counselor was not doing you a favour by saying you "will" come to realize this or that.  Read that as "You might...", or "Many people do..."  No one can predict your future.

Even "full transition" means different things to different people.  It usually implies a full social transition, but may or may not include surgery.

Your transition, whatever it looks like, is yours to plan and execute.  Don't let anyone push you faster or farther than you are ready to go.

Having said which, a full transition including surgery was what I needed.  I have lived full-time as Kathy for 9 years, and I had gender-affirming surgery 6 years ago.  I have never been more content.  My wife stayed with me.  I live in a semi-rural area, moving shortly to an even more rural one.  My neighbours can probably guess about my background, but none would be so rude as to bring it up.  Rural folk, in my opinion, are much more accepting than town folk are.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I initially wanted to explore being non binary and presenting androgynous. That didn't last long before I longed to be a woman and go the whole way. It felt too good...too right. I'm agender with gender euphoria for perspective.

Of course though our journeys and personalities are very different. But beginning HRT can affect your perspective and introduce new dysphoria as you long to get a taste of the next level. But note I probably have BPD and ADHD which fire up those emotions even more. Impulse control..what's that?

Charlotte 😻

[Valerie.Val]

Thank you so much for your input @Stottie Girl @KathyLauren  and @kitty

Yeah... ADHD got that too, complicates things indeed.
I think the reason the counsellor was "pushing" for it: She said it was since she saw my suffering and I guess she was projecting her own way onto me.

[tgirlamg]

I had a phone counselling right now, and the lady had a similar history to mine (middle aged, married etc). I described my pain, how hard it is to be in "dude mode" suddenly, the hours of crying.

She said it will only get worse if I do nothing. And basically she said, if I do hormones and change my presentation, I'll come to realise that something will no longer fit between the legs.

Reading across the posts here, I also get the impression that it's the only sane way to go. So my desperate question: anyone here found some middle ground and lives happy with that? I just right now can't imagine turning my whole life, and that of my wife, completely upside down.

Thank you!
Val

Hey Val!

The phone counselor seems to speak in a lot of absolutes that may not necessarily come to pass by any means... There are as many ways to deal with the dysphoria as there are folks dealing with it... You can certainly find your own unique solutions in this without blowing things up with full transition although, if that ends up being your path... Don't imagine the explosion to be bigger than it truly may end up being!... All fears can be managed and all challenges can be navigated

If you find in the future that is the path you truly need it will still be there but, dip your toe in the water in different ways before you consider a plunge... wherever that takes you will provide you with new perspectives about what you need to make your life one that is well lived!

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

[Courtney G]

I reject outright the notion that there is only one (or five) different ways to define your gender or to transition. There are plenty who socially transition but don't do any medical transition. Plenty who do the reverse (I'm one of those so far). Plenty who have lots of surgeries and plenty who have none. Only you can determine what your needs and goals are - no practitioner or peer or anyone can tell you what your gender means.

I will say this regarding bottom surgery: there are plenty (like me) who don't have bottom dysphoria and who don't opt for surgery while there are others who experience severe emotional pain on a daily basis regarding their configuration until they get surgery to remedy the issue. There's a third group: people who don't come to terms with those feelings until after they start their transition. So if you have firm feelings about your genitals, do know that they might change over time. Actualizing the truth about your gender can bring related issues into focus.

Best of luck with this process. You're in the right place by being here!

[Lori Dee ✅]

At the beginning of my transition, I knew I wanted to go all the way. I started late in life at 62. All of the things I wanted to do just were not available to me. I lived in South Dakota and all of my medical care is through the VA. They said they would cover electrolysis, but no one in the state does it, and the VA would not send me somewhere to get it done. I did have some facial surgery done, paid for out of my own pocket. I began Voice Therapy, and Trump's minions cancelled that for me.

I moved to Colorado to be someplace more protective of my rights and that offered the services I want. I am getting electrolysis done, (still out of pocket), but surgery seems now to be a distant fantasy. The VA will not cover it, despite the promise it made back in 2016 that they would.

I am now 68, and turn 69 in September, so I have to be realistic about surgery at this age. My doctors have said that age is not the determining factor, but general health is. So I could get it done if I could afford it. That has made me think really hard about how badly I want it.

I still do, and will for the rest of my life. But I have also reached a point where I can be happy and not have to think about my gender every waking minute. In my day to day activities, it just doesn't matter.

My point is, as others have said, how far you decide to go is your decision. As you go, you may decide that you are ready for the next step. Or you may decide that you can be happy right where you are. There is no right or wrong stopping point. Gender is a spectrum, so you can exist anywhere within it. The key is whether you can be happy at whatever point you are at.

Yes, it will affect your friends and family. Some will have nothing more to do with you. Some will become closer. You will lose friends and gain much better friends. For me, life is too short to keep negativity around at any cost. If people want to leave, it is their choice. Those that stay, stay because they want to. Those are the ones worth keeping.

Dip your toes in and if it works for you, keep going. When things become comfortable, stop and reassess. Transition is costly in finaces and relationships. If you feel the need to continue, then continue. If not, then don't.

As they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.