How to handle the feelings of shame?

[tammy753]

Hi, I wasn't sure if this was inappropriate or not. I grew up in an area where people actively made fun of anyone not like them. I also had parents that did not approve of people like me. I struggle with feelings of shame for existing and when I make a step toward anything that makes me happy my mind goes into assault mode telling me I will never be accepted and I look ridiculous. Yes I am in therapy but have others worked through those thoughts and did they ever stop?

Sorry is this not appropriate.

 

[CosmicJoke]

Hi, I wasn't sure if this was inappropriate or not. I grew up in an area where people actively made fun of anyone not like them. I also had parents that did not approve of people like me. I struggle with feelings of shame for existing and when I make a step toward anything that makes me happy my mind goes into assault mode telling me I will never be accepted and I look ridiculous. Yes I am in therapy but have others worked through those thoughts and did they ever stop?

Sorry is this not appropriate.

 

Yes, I have definitely worked through those thoughts. I don't think they really completely go away. You just get mentally stronger and you learn how to handle them.

I think that's actually a very common response when you take a step toward happiness. We live in a society where it takes alot of courage to do just that.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think everyone experiences this.

Human beings naturally resist change. So, a change of any kind, whether relationships, jobs, locations, or lifestyles, can lead to second thoughts and doubt. Think of all the people who got cold feet right before getting married. It is perfectly normal.

As a member here used to say, everything you have ever wanted exists just on the other side of fear.

The key is to finally decide what you want, then set aside those doubts and go for it. It isn't easy. The hard part is making that decision.

[KathyLauren]

I can't point to a single event or learning that got me past the shame.  But one simple meditation definitely helped:  "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

[tammy753]

I have therapy today and am going to bring up this topic. I have been spiraling since the long weekend. I appreciate the responses so far knowing other go through this helps.

[Stottie Girl]

I can't say I have ever felt shame over who I am. You should never feel ashamed of who you are Tammy. If people are deliberately making you feel like that, then they are the wrong sort of people to be around and you should remove them from your life wherever possible.

Of course I am terrified of not being accepted, I look in the mirror sometimes and think "who am I kidding?", I'm scared of not being able to remotely pass at all, it's what has stopped and still does stop me from living the life I am meant to. I think nearly all of us have these feelings, but you should not feel shame. This is not a peversion, you were born this way and nobody has the right to make you feel small because of it.

As a member here used to say, everything you have ever wanted exists just on the other side of fear.

This is a good mantra to live by if you ask me. If only I could pluck up the courage to act on it!

Guess what? Teenage girls go through that phase too. We all go through a gawky phase where we look embarrassingly bad but it takes time to find your style, your make up look, to achieve a feminine body. I believe I have got to a point where I might, visually at least, have a stab at passing but it has taken me years.

You will work through these feelings, You will find your inner woman and your style. It might seem like an impossible mountain to climb but you will get there, so many others before us have proven that.

[tammy753]

Yeah, The Who am I kidding is one of the things that send i think all the time

[KristaFairchild]

Yeah, The Who am I kidding is one of the things that send i think all the time

Same. I've reduced the frequency of this thought, though. I realized that although my intellect said I was trying to just be me, my heart wanted to pass. 

Damn.

I changed my goal from wanting to be an attractive woman to wanting to be an attractive trans woman. Even as I bemoaned not being able to pass, I was admiring the beauty of trans women who didn't pass. Maybe I could admire myself that way? 

It helps when I - to quote another member - go for it. Wig, breast forms, dress, full makeup. People then call me ma'am and treat me like a woman. 

That's enough. Makes me purr. 

[Valerie.Val]

@tammy753 the thing with shame is, it's not ours, originally. Others told us out of ignorance or malevolence, that what we do or what we are is wrong and shameful.

And then we've internalized that. We don't need them any more to feel bad, we can now feel bad on our own, all the time, for all our lives.

I don't want that any more. That's why I'm trying to "externalize" the shame again and give it back to those people who gave it to me in the first place. I don't want it. They can keep it, all their prejudice and hate, and keep on living their very narrow-minded lives.

That's what we all should be doing.

You're great @tammy753 just  as you are. You deserve to feel good.

[tammy753]

@tammy753 the thing with shame is, it's not ours, originally. Others told us out of ignorance or malevolence, that what we do or what we are is wrong and shameful.

And then we've internalized that. We don't need them any more to feel bad, we can now feel bad on our own, all the time, for all our lives.

I don't want that any more. That's why I'm trying to "externalize" the shame again and give it back to those people who gave it to me in the first place. I don't want it. They can keep it, all their prejudice and hate, and keep on living their very narrow-minded lives.

That's what we all should be doing.

You're great @tammy753 just  as you are. You deserve to feel good.

I wish it was as easy as choosing to not to listen to those thoughts. My therapist is helping me to identify the source so I cam move past them. It doesn't seem possible right now but I am trying.

[Valerie.Val]

I hear you, and I didn't want to imply it was easy. <3