I don't understand the shame, but I do understand that you are feeling lonely. We on the forum may be better than nothing, but you need friends, colleagues, or acquaintances in real life.
Years ago, in the "before" time when I didn't know who I was, I realized that I was lonely because I didn't know how to meet compatible people. I decided I needed to make an effort to meet people who shared some of my values. So I joined a couple of groups that did activities reflecting those values. Best case, I would meet a compatible partner (that was my goal). Worst case, I would have fun doing things I loved to do. The winner was a hiking group: I met my now-wife at the top of a mountain on one of the group's hikes. It took a couple of years, during which time I went on some awesome hikes and met some very interesting people.
The point is that meeting compatible people shouldn't depend only on chance. You can make it happen. And basing who you meet on your own values selects more of the right people to meet.
Perhaps make a list of what your values are. That is something we tend to take for granted, but making a list can help you focus on what you need in real life. Then try to think of places or especially groups where you would meet people sharing those values. For me, the value was a love of nature. The activity was hiking, and the group was the city's biggest hiking club.
Good luck!
