My Dysphoria Increased Dramatically After Medical Errors

[ChrissE]

I've always had gender dysphoria. Ever since I was a little kid I had those feelings. They would come and go. I lived my days as a tougher than average guy. I was an athlete and I would get into fights because I enjoyed it. I continue to fight the dysphoria all my life.

When I was born I had a hernia and undescended testicles. I don't think I was properly virilized. It wasn't until I was about age 3 that I could have the surgery.

Develop some health problems that require required injections of corticosteroids. That's the medical error. After that I began losing body hair and I never had much to begin with. I've always had androgynous features in my face.

I was seeing three different doctors for three different things and every one of those things required in their opinion corticosteroids. I was getting them injected into my spine and muscles and at the same time I was getting spray up my nose and because I had been on pain medication I developed hemorrhoids because of the constipation pain medication causes.

Before everything bad happened to my health I was an avid weight lifter. I wasn't trying to get super muscular but I wanted to be really physically strong so that I could do hard labor. I also didn't want to be mistaken for a chick and that used to happen a lot.

I began to realize that I didn't want to be muscular and hairy and that I felt better being androgynous like the angels. I despise having facial hair and body hair.

After the overdose on this medication I developed severe panic attacks. I had what could possibly be described as cortisone psychosis. I was shivering all the time even if it was 90° out and I would constantly break out in hives. The doctors were worthless and I think a lot of people have experienced frustration with American doctors.

This was when the dysphoria went into high gear. I started becoming more feminine my thinking and looks. Eventually has the cortisone slowly left my system constant panic and the other physical things began to fade away. This panic feeling lasted for more than a year and I thought I'm just gonna have to live feeling this way because at that point I didn't care if I died. I just decided I have to get used to this terror feeling I have all the time. One of the things it did to me was made it so I could no longer whistle, weird huh? I also lost my ability to sing in falsetto because it was like my vocal cords were paralyzed. This is permanent.

My thinking changed. I thought to myself how much better it would be from a pragmatic point of view to not be a man. Even as a teenager I would get mistaken for a girl and that used to really bother me. But even then there were times I wanted to be a girl or even more feminine.

I started dressing in an androgynous way after the medical screw ups. I grew my hair really long. My beard was lighter than ever. I'm blonde. I was getting mistaken for a girl and I started liking it. I would be with my wife and we would get addressed as ladies. I would happen when we went out to dinner or were going for a walk. She didn't like it but I did. I started looking a lot like my sister. I wasn't taking any kind of hormones.

I lost quite a bit of weight and I was never overweight.

It's been suggested to me that I might wanna try low-dose estrogen. In my mind I justify it by telling myself that it would be a good thing overall because my father and both of my brothers have had prostate problems. Have you even considered getting an orchiectomy for that reason and because it will make me more feminine and actually healthier. I don't know if I'm being honest with myself or not. I've read studies that say castrated males live longer and have less health issues.

I also feel as though life could be better for me as a female. I'm not saying all women are like this but come in relationships I've been in the ones I was with were selfish and kind of shallow. I suppose that's true of all people. I also want to lose at least some of my libido. I'm currently in a sexless marriage. And I found out that about 46% of American women are sexually dysfunctional. What really shocked me was that all three of my wife's sisters are in sexless marriages. It's not just about sex all four of these women became very cold when it comes to just basic affection.

I've never been attracted to men at least the average man but since this medical thing I am attracted to hyper masculine men with beards well-muscled. When it comes to sex there are a lot of men who really want to please women and in my experience I've never been with a woman who really wanted to please me but they wanted me to please them. I'd like it to be the other way around at least half the time. I'd like to be a bottom and be pleasured the way women get pleasured by a considerate man. I've lost the drive to compete. I'm glad I lost that drive. I'm glad that drive doesn't control me anymore.

I've been working for a long time to demolish my ego and become serene and humble. I am telling myself that I should get an orchiectomy to reach that goal. I still wake up with painful directions and blue balls. I had approached the doctor about chemical castration quite a few years ago because of being in a sex marriage. I don't like the notion of cheating but of the shoe was on the other foot I would be OK if my wife had a a guy who was a friend with benefits. That's not gonna happen. 🙅

Any thoughts?

[Maid Marion]

Sexless marriages aren't unusual because woman have typically married for status, wealth, and power, rather than physical attraction.

You case is a bit of a conundrum because it sounds like you want to pursue a transitioning path that involves a lot of medical assistance with unresolved PTSD from medical errors.

I can pass as female without medical intervention.
I'm small and petite so my voice pitch falls naturally in the female range.
I received speech therapy to modulate my voice so that it genders as female.

Most recently I've been working on diet and exercise.  I have a very feminine 24 inch waist paired with 34 inch hips.

I also get gendered as female when people see me walking up to them.  I've learned a lot of feminine mannerisms.  Or could that be the way my brain was wired?  I'm cross dominant and can write neatly with either hand.

Marion

[Jillian-TG]

Sexless marriages aren't unusual because woman have typically married for status, wealth, and power, rather than physical attraction.

You case is a bit of a conundrum because it sounds like you want to pursue a transitioning path that involves a lot of medical assistance with unresolved PTSD from medical errors.

I can pass as female without medical intervention.
I'm small and petite so my voice pitch falls naturally in the female range.
I received speech therapy to modulate my voice so that it genders as female.

Most recently I've been working on diet and exercise.  I have a very feminine 24 inch waist paired with 34 inch hips.

I also get gendered as female when people see me walking up to them.  I've learned a lot of feminine mannerisms.  Or could that be the way my brain was wired?  I'm cross dominant and can write neatly with either hand.

Marion

You have a 24 inch waist?
That is simply not fair and sounds like you hit the genetic lottery. Wowzers you are so lucky.

[Stottie Girl]

Hi ChrissE

Welcolme to Susans.

I'm Sarah from Northern England.

Wow, that's a lot to unpack! Regarding Libido, I have been on HRT for over 4 years and can honestly say the HRT has reduced my libido to typical female levels and I could not be happier. In terms of reducing libido, you do not need an orchiectomy. Orchiectomies are good if you want to be free of taking androgen blockers and they can improve the abiity to tuck but they are not essential. HRT has brought a massive feeling of relief from the male aggression and sexual drive, and you get to experience a full range of female emotions. It has made me realise that my previous male life was so sterile. Plus boobs!

With regards to the rest of your comments, I have no experience of those steroids. I do have fairly androgynous features, wider hips, narrow shoulders, sightly feminine facial structure but I don't think anyone confused me with a girl, though many have said I was in touch with my feminine side (If only they knew!). I would suggest that speaking with a therapist who has experience of gender issues would be adviseable with a view to maybe starting HRT in the future. It's not for everyone and the effects take a long time to fully realise but if it is a right fit HRT is life changing.

[Devlyn ✅]

Hi ChrissE, welcome to Susan's Place! Here's our standard welcome pamphlet to get you off to a good start:

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Hugs, Devlyn

[Devlyn ✅]

Just as a matter of course, around here people usually get orchiectomies, and animals are castrated. 🙂

[Rochelle]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Hopefully you will be able to find some answers here. The forums are deep and the user's have stories and journeys themselves that may be able help answer some of your questions. We're happy you joined us here. 💚

[Maid Marion]

My waistline was 24 inches when I was underweight at 85lbs.
It went up to 29 inches when I went up to 115 lbs.
After playing golf for a year it went down to 25 inches!
After five years of playing golf it dropped down to 24 inches with a weight of 108 lbs.

Marion