Anna, finally but not yet final.

[Finally Anna]

Sometimes I wonder if my wife really understands that I am a woman on the inside?
She has not asked about things or shown any dislike, but she does show likes and appreciation about some things, since that very tough conversation some weeks ago when I told her that I want to be a woman and would choose to be a woman if I could, that it is important to me that I feel at least a bit female on the inside, in my own mind, even if I express it only very subtly on the outside. That I need to do whatever I need to do, to get that feeling.

She should know, from me expressing that I have a transfemme side even if I dont outright stated that I am transfemme, from that really tough conversation, from me finally letting myself be the soft, sensitive and caring person that I really am and that she loves dearly.
She knows and sees my underdressing and of course knows and feels my femme-ish perfumes and sees that I use femme or andro trousers, shorts and sneakers almost all the time. And she certainly connects the dots when it comes to my longer hairstyle even if it is not a femme hairstyle.

What she does not know is that my female persona has a name, Anna. That is perhaps not revealed until I need to really be Anna to the world. A thing to find out, with time.

[Finally Anna]

Hairdresser tomorrow. I think I'll ask if she can make my hairstyle become more androgynous.
So far it is just four months of growth from a very short style, but it has about the same naturally flowy and wavy style as in my youth (I guess it would look a bit like my avatar if it grows to that length, but probably more wavy). It is now well onto the collar in the nape but not yet down to my shoulders, and some 12-14 cm on top. The receding hairline and the thinning are the things that might make an andro-femme style less aesthetic, even if neither of them is super problematic. There is a lot of hair still and it seems to grow quickly and I also use Minox to counter the thinning.
Well, after tomorrow I'll know what my hairdresser thinks. She is skilled and very open-minded and will probably have ideas.

[Anne_lifetrip]

You look too young to have a granddaughter

I said my granddaughter enjoys painting my nails. What grandparent of any sex would deny their granddaughter that?

But I have been using the same reason for the past summers. My kids (boy and girl) loved to paint their nails and we would all get together and paint all of our nails, feet and hands. Both of them love it. While I would paint their nails a different color  each (or as they wanted) I would choose a single color for hands and another for feet. Colleagues noticed, asked, told them about my kids and never asked again.
So, this gave me a great reason to have my nails painted and my wife just went on with it...and we still don't know why, the polish in my kids would dissapear in 10 days or so, but mine would be as good as new for over 2 months...what a pity ☺️

May have picked up on my andro-femme perfumes

...if you don't mind, which one are you using?. I am having trouble in finding one that convinces me.

Separately all those things are just things, but taken together they could begin to tell a story to those that are open and perceptive.

.
Agree, but I feel that if added bit by bit, small changes are accepted as normal by your surroundings. The issue comes when you change your environment and people just see all at once.

Hairdresser tomorrow. I think I'll ask if she can make my hairstyle become more androgynous.

Go for it!. It has been already three years with the hair growing and now I love my long hair. I still enjoy feeling it on my back. One more step...then another.
Last time I went to the hairdresser, as I have long hair I went to a woman's one and really enjoyed it. As not many men go (I am not out yet), it was all pink and girly and I loved it.

[Stottie Girl]

Hairdresser tomorrow. I think I'll ask if she can make my hairstyle become more androgynous.
So far it is just four months of growth from a very short style, but it has about the same naturally flowy and wavy style as in my youth (I guess it would look a bit like my avatar if it grows to that length, but probably more wavy). It is now well onto the collar in the nape but not yet down to my shoulders, and some 12-14 cm on top. The receding hairline and the thinning are the things that might make an andro-femme style less aesthetic, even if neither of them is super problematic. There is a lot of hair still and it seems to grow quickly and I also use Minox to counter the thinning.
Well, after tomorrow I'll know what my hairdresser thinks. She is skilled and very open-minded and will probably have ideas.

You could ask her to just trim it for a pixie cut or boxie if it's long enough. They can be styled male if need be but you can style it ultra femme when you want to do it. My hair is long enough for a pixie now I think but I'm trapped at my parents. I can't wait to have the freedom to have a go myself. Female hairstyling is still something that I have no clue about but I cannot wait to switch to my real hair as soon as it's feasible. I will replicate my wig cut though once it's long enough, I think I suit it.

[Finally Anna]

...if you don't mind, which one are you using?. I am having trouble in finding one that convinces me.

I probably have too many perfumes and I select depending on how andro or femme I want to be. All are light, dry-ish and more or less flowery scents. The classic femme perfumes that are sweet-heavy-vanilla style are not for me.

Jo Malone: Sage and Sea salt (andro), Wild Bluebell (andro-femme), English Pear and Freesia (femme).
Clean: Skin (andro) and Warm Cotton (andro, but will read a touch femme)
Byredo perfume oils: Mojave ghost (andro-femme), Rose of no man's land (femme).
Byredo perfume: Bal d'Afrique (andro).
CK One: Classic andro perfume from the 90s. This is the most androgynous scent that I have.

The femme ones are still possible to use even though I don't present femme, just that I layer them a bit subtly with one of the other scents. Jo Malone tends to be a bit volatile so need a refresher to last the whole day.

[Finally Anna]

Go for it!. It has been already three years with the hair growing and now I love my long hair. I still enjoy feeling it on my back. One more step...then another.
Last time I went to the hairdresser, as I have long hair I went to a woman's one and really enjoyed it. As not many men go (I am not out yet), it was all pink and girly and I loved it.

My hairdresser is woman and the salon is primarily for women, but they also do men's hair.

You could ask her to just trim it for a pixie cut or boxie if it's long enough. They can be styled male if need be but you can style it ultra femme when you want to do it.

My hair is easily long enough for this style 🔗 [Link: stylist.co.uk/_​next/image/] but I cannot do straight hair unless I want to spend my mornings with the hair straightening iron and lots of spray.
It is more like this 🔗 [Link: i.pinimg.com/control1/1200x/f6/f1/a6/f6f1a642da78102b47e8fb68357bba40.jpg/] and I am very close to that length and with just those natural waves and flow, but with salt-n-pepper colour of course, so I'll probably start out a bit like that. After that, time will tell.

I do like the pixie (and shixie, bixie) style, but I am totally fed up with tapered or tight napes and sides. I want longer hair while I still have the growth.

[Stottie Girl]

@Finally Anna I prefer the second style anyway Anna. Salt and pepper hair colour on that will probably look pretty cool I think, go for it!

[tammy753]

I agree I like the second but both are great! Mine is just long and straight it refuses to curl in anyway.

[Finally Anna]

I need my hairstyle to be ok for my not-yet-transitioned life path but also femme-ish enough to satisfy my inner woman's need and aesthetics.

So, with my natural waves and flow it is the second picture's style that is my "base camp", but I will let my hairdresser have ideas. I express the feeling I want and we look at pictures of various styles. Then she knows what I want and what is possible to do with my hair.

[tammy753]

I started growing my hair out after my sister's wedding in 2000. I have had it long since. I just keep it in a low pony tail and I do get Ma'am sometimes but If I need to present as a male to pay for things or give my very male name I will just say its sir. I am single so this may not work for you.

[KristaFairchild]

I'm a person who values words, clarity, and conversations though I do know that actions can speak louder than words.

Recently my wife said that I should know after all these years what she enjoys sexually.

I don't. She doesn't make pleasurable sounds unless she orgasms. She does not tell me. I've asked.

so when you describe what she should know but have said clearly...um...yeah.

"
She should know, from me expressing that I have a transfemme side even if I don't outright stated that I AM transfemme"

[Finally Anna]

when you describe what she should know but have said clearly...um...yeah.

Krista!
I needed to reply, didn't I!? ❤️
She has heard me say that I want to be a woman, would choose to be a woman if I could, that I have a transfemme part (that was 2 months ago) and she sees what she sees. So, she knows all of it except maybe she has not understood/accepted that I am female on the inside, that my identity let out after 60 years makes me be female on the inside. Not a very feminine female, but still.
💕

[Finally Anna]

I prefer the second style anyway Anna. Salt and pepper hair colour on that will probably look pretty cool I think, go for it!

Told my hairdresser that I want it to go towards a more androgynous style "because that is more me". Still, it will be that flow style with waves since that is how my hair grows.
So only dusting, a bit of thinning and a bit of point cut, and a little bit of shortening below temples and mid nape to make the sides of the nape not be all over the place.

My wife's comment: You have not cut much, have you? I think it is either too long or too short (referring to the sides, where the hair is now hanging a bit over the ears).
Not the reaction of my dreams, but I hope she will get used to it. It will grow a bit longer, so perhaps things will turn out well in the end. I do want her to find my style attractive, it is important to me since she is very important to me. My wife gets her hair done by the same person so they will probably talk about my haircut at their next appointment. ☺️

To be continued...

[KristaFairchild]

Krista!
I needed to reply, didn't I!? ❤️
She has heard me say that I want to be a woman, would choose to be a woman if I could, that I have a transfemme part (that was 2 months ago) and she sees what she sees. So, she knows all of it except maybe she has not understood/accepted that I am female on the inside, that my identity let out after 60 years makes me be female on the inside. Not a very feminine female, but still.
💕

My interpretation, maybe way off , is she could think this is your choice. 

I don't know about you, but if felt like I had a "choice", I would not take the hard road of transitioning. It's who I am - and my wife knows that. 

I also wonder if matters to our wives. Choice or not, they face something few wives ever will. 

[KristaFairchild]

Told my hairdresser that I want it to go towards a more androgynous style "because that is more me". Still, it will be that flow style with waves since that is how my hair grows.
So only dusting, a bit of thinning and a bit of point cut, and a little bit of shortening below temples and mid nape to make the sides of the nape not be all over the place.

My wife's comment: You have not cut much, have you? I think it is either too long or too short (referring to the sides, where the hair is now hanging a bit over the ears).
Not the reaction of my dreams, but I hope she will get used to it. It will grow a bit longer, so perhaps things will turn out well in the end. I do want her to find my style attractive, it is important to me since she is very important to me. My wife gets her hair done by the same person so they will probably talk about my haircut at their next appointment. ☺️

To be continued...

I might smirk and say "My hair is in transition, too"

MY hair is about to under a wig most days. 

[Finally Anna]

My interpretation, maybe way off , is she could think this is your choice.
I don't know about you, but if felt like I had a "choice", I would not take the hard road of transitioning. It's who I am - and my wife knows that.
I also wonder if matters to our wives. Choice or not, they face something few wives ever will.

Our wives do not have an enviable situation and if they can still find love for us after transition or even after "only" lots of integration and no transition, then they are worth exactly all and everything (of course, they are worth all that regardless of whether they can cope or not).

I can rather safely assume that my wife knows how this works. A month back, when I really came out to her, she asked "Do you actually want to be a woman?" and I said "Yes, if I could choose then I would want to, but I cannot really choose because I have the shape and body that I have". She must have understood about my state of mind/identity because she said that she feared her own attraction if I had surgeries. In her own words: "If you get breasts, if my husband gets breasts, what will I think?".

At that time I said that I will try to find out how much I really need and that I will not do things unless I really think i have to, need to. I will stand by that, but both she and I knows that we don't know and we agreed that we take the future as it comes. I try to not go sky high unless I really must and she will try to accept things for as long as she can - and she is certain to voice her opinions if she has issues (I have learned that the practical way...)

I am not super dysphoric about my male body, but have always been quite bodily euphoric about a female body. I do get the odd streak of body dysphoria but not that often. So, it feels like I may have a choice. I guess I will know for sure in a year or so, but if I had to answer right now I'd say that I possibly, even probably, can be ok with "only" a lot of female integration but without actual physical transition. I hope I can be ok with that. I will try to be ok with that. Because I do not want to disrupt things even more, unless I really need to.
The absolutely non-negotiable thing is that I will not under any circumstances put myself into a state like it was before I hatched, 'cause that means a slippery slope towards catastrophe.

About transition: The waiting time to even get a diagnosis is some 3+ years here, so any transitional arrangements faster than that is diy via internet and I don't fancy that method for reasons of realiability, hassle and guaranteed supply. If I ever transition physically, then it is not to get sick from unsuitable levels or wobbly supply.

[KristaFairchild]

Our wives do not have an enviable situation and if they can still find love for us after transition or even after "only" lots of integration and no transition, then they are worth exactly all and everything (of course, they are worth all that regardless of whether they can cope or not).

I can rather safely assume that my wife knows how this works. A month back, when I really came out to her, she asked "Do you actually want to be a woman?" and I said "Yes, if I could choose then I would want to, but I cannot really choose because I have the shape and body that I have". She must have understood about my state of mind/identity because she said that she feared her own attraction if I had surgeries. In her own words: "If you get breasts, if my husband gets breasts, what will I think?".

At that time I said that I will try to find out how much I really need and that I will not do things unless I really think i have to, need to. I will stand by that, but both she and I knows that we don't know and we agreed that we take the future as it comes. I try to not go sky high unless I really must and she will try to accept things for as long as she can - and she is certain to voice her opinions if she has issues (I have learned that the practical way...)

I am not super dysphoric about my male body, but have always been quite bodily euphoric about a female body. I do get the odd streak of body dysphoria but not that often. So, it feels like I may have a choice. I guess I will know for sure in a year or so, but if I had to answer right now I'd say that I possibly, even probably, can be ok with "only" a lot of female integration but without actual physical transition. I hope I can be ok with that. I will try to be ok with that. Because I do not want to disrupt things even more, unless I really need to.
The absolutely non-negotiable thing is that I will not under any circumstances put myself into a state like it was before I hatched, 'cause that means a slippery slope towards catastrophe.

About transition: The waiting time to even get a diagnosis is some 3+ years here, so any transitional arrangements faster than that is diy via internet and I don't fancy that method for reasons of realiability, hassle and guaranteed supply. If I ever transition physically, then it is not to get sick from unsuitable levels or wobbly supply.

OMG, 3+ years and you need a diagnosis?! I may live an area that adores Trump, but it's in California. I'm lucky. One Zoom meeting and the patch is ready for me three days later. 

I would never assume that you and I are alike in our journey. That said, it's very déjà vu here in your story. Last year at this time, I believe my pronouns were he/they. I spoke to my wife about this and told her that I was enjoying wearing a lot of feminine clothing and a little bit of makeup, but I could not envision myself ever transitioning. I did not feel dysphoric about my maleness, But I did feel very strong affinity for my femininity. (Affinity for femininity? Did I just invent a bumper sticker?). 

The femininity thing just kept growing on me. Once I made the shift to colored nail polish, I never went back to clear. Once I started wearing nude lipstick, it just got more and more expressive, and I never went back. I started hanging out with more trans people, and I started to feel at home. 

Next, I felt and shared with my wife that my pronouns had changed to they/them. By then I was only wearing women's clothes, but they kind of passed as mens. This was a watershed moment because I had left behind being or presenting as male. 

Frankly, it felt irresistible to be so female. Within a couple of months, I changed my pronouns again. Somewhere in here, I started to feel dysphoria for the first time in my life. The euphoria was still strong, but I also started to look at a certain body part and wish it were weren't there. I started to dislike urinating. I went out a few times in public when I was out of town and wore my breast forms. I started to look at my flat chest and wish there were something there.

Now I'm on estradiol and I'm reading avidly about progesterone. Today, for one of the first times, I went to work wearing false eyelashes, full makeup, and gorgeous red lipstick. Tomorrow, I'll wear my first dress to work. 

I still find myself in shock sometimes that this is happening. People regularly call me Krista now, and I like it, but it's still a little weird. And nice. I still feel just the way I always have. But I do know that I can't go back.

Also, Anna, thank you for hearing this story over and over. I don't know if I tell it the same way or a little bit different way each time but I think I've told it to you several times now. It helps me to be able to express this in writing to someone. I think I'll go put my timeline on my Susan's blog now.

[Finally Anna]

Also, Anna, thank you for hearing this story over and over. I don't know if I tell it the same way or a little bit different way each time but I think I've told it to you several times now. It helps me to be able to express this in writing to someone. I think I'll go put my timeline on my Susan's blog now.

As usual, I just have to reply! ❤️
I know I have told my story before and I will probably tell it again because it helps me along and if it can help someone else just a little bit then it is a good thing.

Last year at this time, I believe my pronouns were he/they. I spoke to my wife about this and told her that I was enjoying wearing a lot of feminine clothing and a little bit of makeup, but I could not envision myself ever transitioning. I did not feel dysphoric about my maleness, But I did feel very strong affinity for my femininity.

There is déjà vu, and plenty of it.
I am on a slope with the femininity. I don't know how severe the slope is up ahead but so far it is a steady incline, not very steep but seemingly without flat. None of the roller-coaster things I have tried so far has been rejected outright. Some, like tops and blouses and visible makeup have been put on back-burner but I have a feeling that they will beckon me again.

And yes, to get gender affirming care via the public healtcare over here you need a referral and a diagnosis and there is a loong waiting time. The diagnosis is a 1-2 year of interviews and "tests", as far as I can understand. As of now, I know of no private practices that are allowed to provide that kind of care (but plenty of other types of care).
In practice, if I find that I must go the hrt way, I will probably have to go the internet way even with its drawbacks. It's not really diy since there is levels testing and so on, but there's no guarantee about continuous support and the healthcare system here will not know about it so it can become an issue if I need other healtcare.

[KristaFairchild]

So far I feel like HRT is a simple experiment. Not much has really changed so far. It cost a lot less than I expected, about $45 a month. I haven't had any obvious emotional swings or physical changes, either. I have had a little bit of up-and-down with depression, but I'm not sure I can attribute that to estradiol. When I started on this, I told myself and my wife that I could stop when I started seeing major breast changes because those are not reversible. I didn't say I would or would not stop, but I recognized that I had a lot of time before I had to make a decision. I still have a lot of time, But like everything else, I can't see myself going off HRT.

[Finally Anna]

I would never assume that you and I are alike in our journey. That said, it's very déjà vu here in your story. Last year at this time, I believe my pronouns were he/they. I spoke to my wife about this and told her that I was enjoying wearing a lot of feminine clothing and a little bit of makeup, but I could not envision myself ever transitioning. I did not feel dysphoric about my maleness, But I did feel very strong affinity for my femininity. (Affinity for femininity? Did I just invent a bumper sticker?).
...
The femininity thing just kept growing on me.

It does seem to grow on me as well but I am a couple of years behind in schedule, so perhaps I shd start planning for a coming out-party and HRT around spring -28? 😉

It would be nice and interesting to be able to experiment a bit with HRT. Meaning to try it for a few months and see the effects. Can't do that via public healthcare here and HRT can of course impact my relation to my wife, both physically and mentally, so I think it will stay as a thought until I (possibly) find out that I need it.