Anna, finally but not yet final.

[Captain.Val]

Exactly! It was like living behind a thick glass or something, like watching a movie of your life.

About men, same same. It was weird going shopping groceries, I felt how proximity to men made me feel uncomfortable - at the same time I could sense that my proximity made women uncomfortable. Do you feel that too?

[Finally Anna]

For background: I don't present femme to the world. I live in the androgynous land, with various levels of femme-leaning. It is how I am comfortable, right now. It feels like me. Might change for more femme as time goes by, or might not. Time will tell.

So, most people auto-gender me as a man, and those who actually dwell for a few seconds (it happens, and it is noticeable) are likely to see a man that is a bit more more femme than you'd expect from an oldtimer. Hairstyle, clothing, manners, perfume are all a bit towards femme, on a scale.

I don't feel uncomfy around men in the sense that I get the creeps, but I find men's company less attractive than women's. I doubt that women become uncomfy in my presence, I see no such signs. If they see a slightly femme man, it does not provoke the "watch out" reaction, nor does it trigger any "impersonation" feelings.

[Captain.Val]

I see yeah. Well I was presenting full dude back then, beard and all. And maybe I was being oversensitive with all this being super new to me. It was a new level of understanding I guess.

Fast forward 8 weeks and I'm also presenting andro. Tonight my spouse and I are going out for dinner, first time wearing a girl-cut tshirt and some light makeup in public. Exciting!

[Finally Anna]

Wife said to talk to our (grown up) children. So I did, with one of them just 10 minutes ago. Aiming to just do the "I have a softer style and I'm more true me" thing.

- I hear that you have wondered about my changed style?
- What are you talking about?
- I understood from mom that you have wondered about my changed style.
- No, I have not. Haven't even thought about it. What do you mean?
- Changed hairstyle etc.
- Ok, you have longer hair. And?
- No big deal, but this is more the real me. You know I am quite soft inside, just like you are, and now it comes shining through. This is much more the real me. As mom said: You are now much more how you were when we met.
- So, your retirement made you shed the office style and be more you. Nice.

And that was it. A total non-issue, so far. Femme-ish trousers, jeans and shorts and femme-ish/andro perfumes was not even mentioned, and was obviously not even worth noticing other than "Hey, dad, cool jeans!" some two weeks ago.
One down, one to go. A different one.

[Captain.Val]

Way to go Anna!

[KristaFairchild]

I see yeah. Well I was presenting full dude back then, beard and all. And maybe I was being oversensitive with all this being super new to me. It was a new level of understanding I guess.

Fast forward 8 weeks and I'm also presenting andro. Tonight my spouse and I are going out for dinner, first time wearing a girl-cut tshirt and some light makeup in public. Exciting!

The word "exciting" says a lot. 

[KristaFairchild]

Wife said to talk to our (grown up) children. So I did, with one of them just 10 minutes ago. Aiming to just do the "I have a softer style and I'm more true me" thing.

- I hear that you have wondered about my changed style?
- What are you talking about?
- I understood from mom that you have wondered about my changed style.
- No, I have not. Haven't even thought about it. What do you mean?
- Changed hairstyle etc.
- Ok, you have longer hair. And?
- No big deal, but this is more the real me. You know I am quite soft inside, just like you are, and now it comes shining through. This is much more the real me. As mom said: You are now much more how you were when we met.
- So, your retirement made you shed the office style and be more you. Nice.

And that was it. A total non-issue, so far. Femme-ish trousers, jeans and shorts and femme-ish/andro perfumes was not even mentioned, and was obviously not even worth noticing other than "Hey, dad, cool jeans!" some two weeks ago.
One down, one to go. A different one.

I love this! It's reminder that the ways we present that feel huge to us aren't nearly as important or noticeable to others. 

In my talk with my adult daughters 19), I was expressing more femininely. Clearly wearing makeup, always women's clothes, but no skirts or dresses, no bold lipstick, no wig or forms.

They had been in orchestra in high school. It was a safe haven for LGBTQ students; I think half of them were. 

My daughters didn't care about my gender. They cared about my marriage to their mother. And they asked if they could still call me dad. 

[Petunia]

I'm happy for you Anna

[Finally Anna]

My daughters didn't care about my gender. They cared about my marriage to their mother. And they asked if they could still call me dad.

This!
Discovering that the younger generation has that "But dad, I know who you are and so what if you like femme style or define as a woman, but what about the important things?"

Edit: I do NOT mean that our identity issues are unimportant. Certainly not. But the younger generation may have other views on important and gender.

[Finally Anna]

Two things.

One: A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I was a woman. Now, I typically don't dream at all and while I don't remember the scenario this is the first time I remember dreaming that I was a woman. A nice experience that I hope will repeat itself.

Two: I wonder if wifey has noticed that I've been shaving my legs and my armpits for a few weeks? The armpits are obvious, but legs are not as I have always had very light and sparse hairs and yesterday she was caressing my leg(s) but she didn't say anything although there was probably an ever so light stubble. Perhaps she is just noticing but doesn't feel the need to say anything. Anyway, being smooth is a very nice experience and something that will persist regardless of any opinions she might have.

[Finally Anna]

I wonder if my relatively low dysphoria, combined with high age, is why I don't feel an overwhelming need to start a physical transition? I certainly have a wish for a female body and even with the relatively low dysphoria I suspect that if I had come out to myself while young I would have wanted to do a full transition. Right now it feels like I can get by without, but only time can tell for certain.
What I do think will happen is that with time I will dress a bit more femme, and become more natural in my femme-ish manners. Where my hairstyle will end up is yet unknown but an androgynous flow style is in the cards when it has grown long enough and if the receding hairline can support it.

[KristaFairchild]

Where is the ❤️ button?

Yes to affirming dreams that help our souls breathe. 

As for shaving, I have similar legs that I'm grateful for. [aside, Sally Hansen leg makeup is a joy! Gives then a slight tan and smoothes over imperfections] Shaved legs is a good example of one of at least a dozen things I thought would brings comments from: my wife, my kids, my coworkers, and strangers on the street. There's a scene from the 1980 movie The Princess Bride where Buttercup has a nightmare of walking through town with people screaming at her, telling her she's horrible. 

To my surprise, it didn't happen. Instead, most of the people I knew best said nothing. Strangers I interacted with (like clerks in stores) commented casually "Cute earrings" or "I love the color of your shirt" or "Do you do your own nails"

With time it was clear that no one cared and eventually they all "knew."

My wife and I didn't talk about it a lot. 

But she bought me women's  clothes and makeup for my birthday and anniversary. 

My coworker dropped a gift bag on my desk with fluffy pink tissue paper and her favorite lipstick in it. 

As for not needing it, what I NEEDED was permission - from myself. At each scary step. And I found that...

Wearing hidden panties wasn't a fiery need, but it led to hidden pantyhose under clothes (and with men's socks), also not a need. 

The pantyhose and panties became more normal, even if hidden. 

This led to men's colorful shirts. I didn't need them. By then I NEEDED the panties, every day. No one knew. I do my own laundry. 

And so on. I'm slowly starting to not need as much to feel feminine, but I almost always want: v-beck utterly femme blouses, skirts, full eye makeup, lipstick (god give me RED), cute girly sandals, painted toe and fingernails...

You may experience none of this. We are all so different (and so the same). Or you may. More likely, your own version will emerge. 

Keep dreaming. ❤️

[Finally Anna]

Where is the ❤️ button?

I read a whole lot of ❤️ buttons in your posts...  💕 😘

My wife and I didn't talk about it a lot. But she bought me women's clothes and makeup for my birthday and anniversary.

This. Is. Love. And it is beautiful and understanding.

My coworker dropped a gift bag on my desk with fluffy pink tissue paper and her favorite lipstick in it.

And this!
She had just waited for the right opportunity to show you that what she cares about is the inside and that she likes the new wrapping.

You may experience none of this. We are all so different (and so the same). Or you may. More likely, your own version will emerge.

I do experience similar things, but I am only in the beginning of my discoveries. What I do find is that the things that I "try" and like, are step by step becoming the new normal and with that, the distinct noveau feeling gets replaced with a more comfy feeling of it being right. Femme-ish perfumes, skin care, shaving, underdressing, femme trousers and shorts, longer nails but still only clear polish, growing my hair out (now longer than it has been since around 1983 and it shall be even longer), ...

[Finally Anna]

A kingdom for really accepting for myself that most people probably are like I am when it comes to viewing other people.

Do I much care about how people dress? Nope.
Do I really care if I clock someone as crossdressing? No, I don't.
Do I get uncomfortable in the presence of gay or trans people? Certainly not.
Would I be upset if an old friend would start presenting gradually more femme or more male? Absolutely not, but I'd be curious.
Do I appreciate style, also when it is on someone who is crossdressing (I cannot see if someone is trans)? Of course.

I will definitely see if someone is dressed in non-matching colours, has a style that is all over the place, has chosen a fit that isn't flattering or is doing goth or barbie style or cannot walk smoothly/gracefully in high heels. But that is just an observation of their chosen attire. I dont much care about it.

But the brain's evolutional protection system makes me/us fear that my/our presentation will cause myself/us to be cast out and it will take time and a lot of step-wise discovery and practice, to retune.

[Finally Anna]

Why am I a bit reluctant to go full andro-femme? Meaning to don also the beige melange shirt-blouse that hangs in my wardrobe, together with the blue femme pants or with the denim jeans/shorts?
Fear has something to do with it. It is far from skirt-femme or dress-femme and I like the looks of that blouse and it fits rather well, but even so I will need to work up my courage before using it other than private/solo.
It is cowardly.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Fear has something to do with it. It is far from skirt-femme or dress-femme and I like the looks of that blouse and it fits rather well, but even so I will need to work up my courage before using it other than private/solo.
It is cowardly.

Not cowardly or fearful. Do not confuse those with a lack of confidence. Lack of confidence comes from lack of experience. It can feel like fear because we fear the unknown. Yet when we do something routinely, we gain confidence in our ability to handle whatever arises. The unknown part is still there, but it no longer causes fear.

Baby steps. Take your time and do what you are comfortable with. When that becomes easy, push the envelope just a little. Keep doing that and little by little you will gain the confidence to step out boldly and roar, "I AM WOMAN!" Ok, maybe not to that extreme yet.

😁

[Finally Anna]

Thank you, Lori!
I don't know how you do it, but I needed to hear exactly that! 💕

Looking back, there has been some change over the last few months and those have all followed that one step at a time method. Hairstyle, sweatsuit, nails, gym clothing, underdressing, jeans, shorts, trousers of various kinds, sneakers (now looking at flats and slip-ins), skin care, colorless mascara (now looking at brown), ... Those are now a part of me and I don't think much about them but the blouse will need a bit more waiting time. Probably because when I put it on I will be all femme. Not just "a bit of a soft style", not just clothing that is leaning femme and is kind of cloaked by a male shirt. I feel like that blouse will be a bit of a statement.
I will get there, in time.

Thank you!
❤️

[Finally Anna]

I happened to read a post about not being, or not always having been, certain about ones identity, and how there's sometimes doubts and how that can be handled or not.

For me it is a lot about how I perceive myself, mentally.

If I feel like a woman then it is not so important how that feeling came about. If other people see me as a woman or as a femme-ish male is currently a bit less important, and I am definitely not gendered as a woman - but I'm probably not "gendered" as a typical male either, by the people with whom I interact in discussions or socializing. After my acceptance of my transfemme identity, I find that women seem to accept me as kind of an equal-ish partner on those occasions and that is really affirming because I then feel woman-like even though I don't really look the part.
Throwback to my time at the university, where I also was accepted as a kind of equal partner both in the group of girls where my then-to-be wife hung out and in another group of girls that frequented the areas of uni where I mostly was. In hindsight it is quite obvious that I thrived in those settings, enjoyed that company, and my wife also says that I am now (after my transfemme acceptance) much more like I was when we first met. I was probably accepted in those groups because my true identity came shining through even though I did not really know about it at that time.

Does that make me know the gender of my soul intuitively? Perhaps it does? I know that I am a woman on the inside, but one that is more than a little bit tainted by enduring 60 years of male life. I know that I also want to be a woman and that is a total non-issue that follows from finally accepting that I am a woman. I have known or half-known that I want to be a woman all my life, but I did not accept that my identity is female, until a few months ago.

Knowledge, logic, reasoning and proof/evidence is King in the professional domain where I have worked, but for some reason I don't need to apply much of that to myself and to my identity. There are proof points that I can fall back upon but any doubt is very much a pseudo thing and I never truly need to convince myself with logic, about being transfemme.

I know what I am. Perhaps that is what 50 years of suppression while kind of knowing, does? Once that suppression is removed you know things quite clearly? That is the way it feels.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I had no clue that I might be transgender, but there were always signs. I always preferred hanging out with the girls to the boys. Even decades later, I hung out with the wives while the husbands were off on a hunting trip or something. The women even jokingly referred to me as "one of the girls" and would invite me along on a Girls' Night Out or other activity. The husbands were okay with it because they knew I was not a threat and that I would look after them if there was trouble.

It wasn't until many, many years later that therapy helped me to see those signs.

Hindsight is 20/20.

[Finally Anna]

As several others here, I was also in the service though not for very long.
Arctic and sub-arctic army infantry reconnaissance, SGT.
🫡