Anna, finally but not yet final.

[Finally Anna]

I would guess that those <issues> will not be revealed to her or to anyone else (well, my therapist has some of that info), ever. Revealing that would be like saying that I lied about really troublesome things for almost 40 years. That would be a certain one-way trip to divorce and to problematic relations with the kids.

Reading this, a couple of times. It is nothing short of sick and weird, that these <issues> were a result of the identity denial and suppression. But that is the way the brain works. It protects its bearer, in the rawest sense of protection. Meaning that it protects its (the brain's) bearer body from death, from falling outside of acceptable "behavior". A purely evolutional thing, that made people be able stay within the tribe even though they were a bit of odd-balls. Being outcast on the savannah would have meant certain death, so the brain's protectional layers are really tough and more or less invisible to the bearer's conscious thinking. But the identity cannot be denied in the long run, and it finds ways of seeping through the protection, and those are the <issues> that manifest themselves in not-so-enjoyable ways.

Yes, I am interested in how the brain works and how the psyche works wrt moral psychology and therapy etc and I have read a number of books on those subjects.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Revealing that would be like saying that I lied about really troublesome things for almost 40 years. That would be a certain one-way trip to divorce and to problematic relations with the kids.

It does appear that way. I encountered this with my parents, being accused of lying to them all my life. Then someone here on Susan's explained to me that I was not only lying to them but also to myself for longer.

The thing is, it isn't lying. Not everyone needs to know your deepest, darkest secrets. Their relationship to you is what determines how much they need to know. I never discussed sexual issues between my wife and me with my parents. They don't have a need to know. I never discussed those things with my children either. No one needs the details.

Between you and your wife, sharing details could be important for helping you both understand what you are going through and what your future together might look like. The children do not need the same level of disclosure.

What I explained to my parents is that in therapy I learned some things about myself that I had never disclosed to anyone. Now, I am revealing them in the interest of pure honesty. I am still the same person. The only difference is that they now know some personal details I had never shared with anyone before. I am not asking them for permission or acceptance. I am only giving them information. How they take it and what they do with it is up to them. My life goes on no matter what they decide.

I have no plans to change the path I am walking. I will encounter people who are walking away, going in different directions, and some who are not moving at all. Anyone who wants to join me and walk with me is welcome to do so. But I will not be waiting for them to decide. They can catch up later if they wish.