Anna, finally but not yet final.

[Finally Anna]

I would guess that those <issues> will not be revealed to her or to anyone else (well, my therapist has some of that info), ever. Revealing that would be like saying that I lied about really troublesome things for almost 40 years. That would be a certain one-way trip to divorce and to problematic relations with the kids.

Reading this, a couple of times. It is nothing short of sick and weird, that these <issues> were a result of the identity denial and suppression. But that is the way the brain works. It protects its bearer, in the rawest sense of protection. Meaning that it protects its (the brain's) bearer body from death, from falling outside of acceptable "behavior". A purely evolutional thing, that made people be able stay within the tribe even though they were a bit of odd-balls. Being outcast on the savannah would have meant certain death, so the brain's protectional layers are really tough and more or less invisible to the bearer's conscious thinking. But the identity cannot be denied in the long run, and it finds ways of seeping through the protection, and those are the <issues> that manifest themselves in not-so-enjoyable ways.

Yes, I am interested in how the brain works and how the psyche works wrt moral psychology and therapy etc and I have read a number of books on those subjects.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Revealing that would be like saying that I lied about really troublesome things for almost 40 years. That would be a certain one-way trip to divorce and to problematic relations with the kids.

It does appear that way. I encountered this with my parents, being accused of lying to them all my life. Then someone here on Susan's explained to me that I was not only lying to them but also to myself for longer.

The thing is, it isn't lying. Not everyone needs to know your deepest, darkest secrets. Their relationship to you is what determines how much they need to know. I never discussed sexual issues between my wife and me with my parents. They don't have a need to know. I never discussed those things with my children either. No one needs the details.

Between you and your wife, sharing details could be important for helping you both understand what you are going through and what your future together might look like. The children do not need the same level of disclosure.

What I explained to my parents is that in therapy I learned some things about myself that I had never disclosed to anyone. Now, I am revealing them in the interest of pure honesty. I am still the same person. The only difference is that they now know some personal details I had never shared with anyone before. I am not asking them for permission or acceptance. I am only giving them information. How they take it and what they do with it is up to them. My life goes on no matter what they decide.

I have no plans to change the path I am walking. I will encounter people who are walking away, going in different directions, and some who are not moving at all. Anyone who wants to join me and walk with me is welcome to do so. But I will not be waiting for them to decide. They can catch up later if they wish.

[Finally Anna]

Scientific studies all point to one conclusion: We were born this way for whatever reason.
Read that again. We were BORN this way.

That means we are not choosing to disrupt our lives, jeopardize our relationships, or fail to meet our obligations to loved ones. These things happen as a result of our medical condition.

I know, and I also know about the theories about hormonal imbalance during pregnancy that are suspected to make the brain's development not be aligned with the physical development. I hope that all trans-persons seek enough information to know.

We can ignore it and risk our mental health. We can try to manage it discreetly through cross-dressing or other behaviors. For me, the decision was simpler. If this is who I am, then so be it. If family and friends want information, I will do my best to help them understand. Most have too many prejudices to be bothered.

This is where it gets tricky if you want to eat the cake and have it too. I don't yet know what I need to stay healthy and happy, nor do I yet know how I will handle all things, but what I do know is that I will not (as in absolutely and irrevocably not) put myself in a state that is even remotely like the psycho pains and self loathing that I went through for a couple of years before I brute-forced my way out of my egg.

Society doesn't blink when a cis woman does this. But transgender women are demonized for it.

Because we are seen as the physical person people see, and are used to see. And, because of moral psychology  that makes people judge from other things than just medical logic - this is an important part of the reasons for trans hate of various kinds.

My hope is that you and others reading this can come to the understanding that you did not choose this. It is no one's fault. It just is what it is.

As I wrote above: I know this very well. But I do want to eat parts of the cake and have parts of it too. I just don't know which parts, yet.
💕

And I repeat: I have the deepest respect for your knowledge, experience and wisdom when it comes to all things related to our condition(s) and the world around us. My post is only to comment on things from my somewhat noob-ish personal view as it is right now. I accept that this view could be a case of inexperience and wishful thinking and that I will discover that I need more than I currently think.

[KristaFairchild]

I don't know about you, my friend, but a lot of my lying was to myself. And even when I honestly knew what was going on, I was terrified to reveal it.

I'm glad you've made decisions that you feel confident about in terms of what you will and will not reveal. That sounds super healthy.

I would offer one gentle reminder through this process. It's OK to put yourself first. This is your journey, and it clearly hasn't been an easy one.

❤️

[Finally Anna]

I don't know about you, my friend, but a lot of my lying was to myself. And even when I honestly knew what was going on, I was terrified to reveal it.

I guess that is an important part of the process I am in - to know or find out what I need and also to know and find out if I try to lie to myself (for whatever reasons).

I would offer one gentle reminder through this process. It's OK to put yourself first. This is your journey, and it clearly hasn't been an easy one.

💕

[Finally Anna]

I just want to tell you all that I value your wisdom, experience and concern a lot - and that is true regardless of whether you agree or oppose to what I write.
Being among people that share these conditions is comforting, even if it is "only" via a web forum.

...and tears, when I write this. 🥹
I have become so emotional just by coming out. A stark difference to how I was before, and I love it. I was more than a little robot-ish with my external feelings, but always so soft deep down, and now I can let it all flow.

❤️

[Finally Anna]

Definitely talk to your therapist about this.

I have informed my therapist about the topic. Session tomorrow

I've only had two sessions before today's, and today's was the first session where there's been a definite subject/focus, and I have to say that my therapist has delivered. It is obvious that he has experience with these questions and in this area. His ways are soft and inviting and that makes me speak out quite openly about fears and needs, about euphoria vs dysphoria, about how I perceive the need for social transitioning and bodily transitioning, etc. I even mentioned my <issues> (that was a first, for anyone).

Notable, and what I carry with me now, is that he made me realize how good I felt inside when presenting andro-femme at the party we had the other day.

[Valerie.Val]

Congrats on the party experience, I'm happy for you!

@Finally Anna @KristaFairchild
About lying; I have a problem with the word. Because for me if you lie to someone, deception and intent is involved. What happened with us though has nothing to do with that; our brain was trying to protect us from social exclusion. So what we actually did was suppressing our inner truth. Neither deception nor intent is involved. So let's be easy on ourselves to begin with. 🤗🩷

[Finally Anna]

My wife wondered how today's therapy session had been. She knows I have been a bit so-so about the previous ones so I told her that it was good and also told her a bit about what we had talked about, that I have a rather low dysphoria (it is there, but it is quite manageable so far), that the relation needs honesty and continuous care and openness for its chances to be best, ...

One of wifey's comments: Perhaps you have matured a bit in who you actually are and you then have a somewhat better feeling for things, and that is why it felt better this time...

[Finally Anna]

our brain was trying to protect us from social exclusion. So what we actually did was suppressing our inner truth. Neither deception nor intent is involved. So let's be easy on ourselves to begin with.

Exactly this. Well said. 🥰

[KristaFairchild]

...and tears, when I write this. 🥹
I have become so emotional just by coming out. A stark difference to how I was before, and I love it. I was more than a little robot-ish with my external feelings, but always so soft deep down, and now I can let it all flow.

❤️

Maybe a bit bittersweet, but beautiful nonetheless. 

I've learned that vulnerability is connecting, necessary, and relieving. Well, maybe I'm still learning that 😉

[Finally Anna]

It's been just four months since I came out to myself. It is three months since I started telling things to my wife. It is only 10 days since my wife fully realized that I actually am a woman and want to be a woman.
There has been agony and fear along the way. There has been despair, and doubt. There has been euphorical highs and dysphorical lows. I have wondered where this is heading - at times I still am. There has been the odd day of suffering, but most days have been quite ok and some have been pure joy.

My wife has been a tremendous support in all this, she really is the star of the show since she was unknowlingy dragged into this 37 years ago (well, it was actually she that dragged me ).

Why am I writing this?
Because I feel fine, alive, relaxed and for the first time in almost 50 years I feel at peace with myself. Because our marriage has flourished for these four months since I came out to myself. Because there is a possible path forward that means with a potion of luck our marriage could survive and continue to flourish.

I am not jumping to conclusions, not counting my chickens. This is a life-long game and what I will require to continue to feel fine is yet a bit unknown, but so far, so good.

Finally, but not yet final!

[Valerie.Val]

I love that you experience this, Anna!

[KristaFairchild]

Damn, Anna, what an amazing and beautiful story! You did in 4 months what it took me 2 years to do. I too see a path forward with my wife (and a wider path with my adult children), but it's scary. 

Regardless of consequences, I'm trans and I'm moving forward - and loving it. 

Thank you so much for sharing this! 

[Finally Anna]

but it's scary

Oh it's a bit scary, alright! I guess that the lingering scare and those odd days of feeling like an alien will accompany us forever, or at least for a long time.
But I now know who I am and I have no fears or regrets in admitting this to myself or to my wife. Whatever happens in the future is for no-one to know and for us to find out. I will live my andro-femme life until I find that I need "more" and I know that my wife has my back for as long as she possibly can - I cannot wish for more.

I found a tiny note from wifey just now. She leaves those now and then, in places where only I will find them. A tiny little love letter that focuses on her love for me, admiration for my courage in coming out and sharing with her, and on us being together. I leave such small notes for her as well, now and then. It's a real love-blast finding them and writing them.

Tears, tears, tears, ... 💕

[Valerie.Val]

How beautiful <3