The roller coaster

[Jillian-TG]

Being married and then coming out as trans is exhausting.

I'm in my mid 50s and have been married for 30 years. We have 4 children (eldest is my step daughter in her mid 30s) and our youngest son is 18. So the kids are not children anymore. I have done my parental duty in cosplaying a man as they grew up so they could have a so-called "regular" upbringing with a male role model in the house. It was hard for me being a woman inside but forced to cosplay a man on the outside.

My wife has known about my female side since day one but she chalked it up to cross dressing rather than me being transgender - over 30 years ago there wasn't much focus on those topics like we have today.

The older I get and the more freedom I want (need?) the more she's realized that I am trans and it is far bigger than clothing. I've used the trans word several times now. She's been more tolerant than accepting. I've shared some of that with all of you before.

We had a very long and deep discussion yesterday about wants versus needs and how that plays out if I want to transition and come out of the closet as a trans woman. What was very clear to me is that she will NEVER support the idea of me "coming out" and living my true identity. The best she can offer is tolerance and compromise where I get small pockets of opportunity to travel as a woman when we go on cruises a few times a year (and generally not me being a woman fulltime on the cruises but just occasionally going out as a woman).

While I'm grateful that I don't have to sneak around her and she knows everything, I do hate living a double life and misrepresenting myself to the rest of the family and world.

It's a roller coaster because I've had seasons of huge hope where I genuinely thought she was going to "get it" and realize just how much my female personality connects 100% with everything she needs. But chats like yesterday is the bottom of the roller coaster where I'm reminded that I cannot be who I want to be and keep my marriage. It's a horrible choice.

Outside of the gender roles, we have a very good relationship and are like best friends.

Any decision feels like a lose-lose. I either gain my true identity and lifestyle that I want and need, but lose my wife & best friend, or I keep my wife & best friend and preserve the marriage but never get to live my truth.

[Finally Anna]

My heart goes out to you! ❤️
I cannot find any words that will truly comfort, and being between a rock and a hard place puts a heavy mental load on things. Does it feel like a decision is needed, soon?

[Lori Dee ✅]

Outside of the gender roles, we have a very good relationship and are like best friends.

Any decision feels like a lose-lose. I either gain my true identity and lifestyle that I want and need, but lose my wife & best friend, or I keep my wife & best friend and preserve the marriage but never get to live my truth.

Perhaps a discussion with her about this and her perspective is needed. Remember that there are two decisions to make here: yours and hers. Hopefully, a compromise that works for both of you can be made. But it must work both ways, or it doesn't work.

Remember that she has similar thoughts about this. She doesn't want to lose you anymore than you want to lose her. Her forbidding you to transition says more about her feelings on this. But what are her reasons? Often it is about worrying about being perceived as a gay woman; maybe she is not attracted to women and fears a loss of intimacy in the relationship. Maybe she is worried about what the neighbors, friends, and family will think about her or about you. These are all valid concerns that need to be addressed.

Our Significant Others Forum is full of stories of couples who have gone through this. For some, the transition was a deal-breaker, and they parted ways (sometimes remaining best friends). Others came to the realization that the underlying factor was true love. They stayed together because they truly loved each other enough to work through it.

Keep talking and having those open and honest discussions. Even if you agree to disagree and need to separate, you can both feel that it was an honest decision you agreed upon without hostility. By talking about it, you can figure out where the problems really are and work together to overcome them. You are going about this the right way by keeping her involved in the discussion.