Being married and then coming out as trans is exhausting.
I'm in my mid 50s and have been married for 30 years. We have 4 children (eldest is my step daughter in her mid 30s) and our youngest son is 18. So the kids are not children anymore. I have done my parental duty in cosplaying a man as they grew up so they could have a so-called "regular" upbringing with a male role model in the house. It was hard for me being a woman inside but forced to cosplay a man on the outside.
My wife has known about my female side since day one but she chalked it up to cross dressing rather than me being transgender - over 30 years ago there wasn't much focus on those topics like we have today.
The older I get and the more freedom I want (need?) the more she's realized that I am trans and it is far bigger than clothing. I've used the trans word several times now. She's been more tolerant than accepting. I've shared some of that with all of you before.
We had a very long and deep discussion yesterday about wants versus needs and how that plays out if I want to transition and come out of the closet as a trans woman. What was very clear to me is that she will NEVER support the idea of me "coming out" and living my true identity. The best she can offer is tolerance and compromise where I get small pockets of opportunity to travel as a woman when we go on cruises a few times a year (and generally not me being a woman fulltime on the cruises but just occasionally going out as a woman).
While I'm grateful that I don't have to sneak around her and she knows everything, I do hate living a double life and misrepresenting myself to the rest of the family and world.
It's a roller coaster because I've had seasons of huge hope where I genuinely thought she was going to "get it" and realize just how much my female personality connects 100% with everything she needs. But chats like yesterday is the bottom of the roller coaster where I'm reminded that I cannot be who I want to be and keep my marriage. It's a horrible choice.
Outside of the gender roles, we have a very good relationship and are like best friends.
Any decision feels like a lose-lose. I either gain my true identity and lifestyle that I want and need, but lose my wife & best friend, or I keep my wife & best friend and preserve the marriage but never get to live my truth.
