Two decisions, yours and hers. What Lori said resonates with me.
Having a fearful gatekeeper does, too.
Except I was my own gatekeeper and no decision was made. I ever so gradually socially transitioned without having The Talk with my wife. When we did talk, I was in denial myself and expressed it as confusion. She, and the world, saw me expressing as male in 2022 to still being perceived as male today despite wearing only traditionally female clothes, makeup, necklaces, earrings, perfume, shoes, and painted nail. It frustrates me; my damn face and voice scream male.
The good part is she had time to watch me change. At no point was there a sudden change. No decision. I think this helped her, my adult children, my friends, and my community.
About six months ago it became more obvious to be that I'm trans. We did talk. It isn't certain she will stay with me, but her heart fully honors that everyone should be their true self. It's just harder when that person is her spouse.
I value our marriage deeply but I have to finally be my authentic self. I started the patch a month ago. My final presentation step is wearing the wig you see in my profile pic daily.
I often share my own experience more that offering advice, but here are ideas that could range from laughable to insightful.
Also, I understand being known in the community. I taught for 29 years before taking a position where I became known as an education leader in the region and state. I see people who know me almost every time I walk down the street. I was terrified at each step. DANGLY earrings?! I would die. I would be run out of town. Instead, people ignored me or said "Nice earrings."
Ideas...
1. Steadily grow your public look at the rate you need without making announcements. I don't know how you present now, but add a little something every week or two. Nail polish: none to transparent pink to neutral opaque to a subtle color to as bright as you want. No makeup to just blurring serum to very light matching foundation to light blush to slightly more defined brows to one stroke of brown mascara to natural lipstick. I was shocked how people adjusted. Almost no one said anything.
2. I love that you dress up when you go out of town. This really helped me. I planned outfits for my next trip with joy and obsession. I added elements I felt I couldn't wear at home or work.
3. Find safe spaces. I started attending a local meeting called Genderquest on Thursday nights. I dressed as I did for work or home at first. I live in a conservative Trump-supporting community and this meeting felt almost anonymous. Later, I would take my wig and forms in the car, change in the parking lot, and race into the meeting. Later still I would stroll past a dozen people, my head held high. I also found online Zoom meetings.
3. Find safe people. Coworkers started complimenting me on my earrings and blouses and I realized They Knew. With terror in my heart, I hinted to them. We talked a little, then more. I showed one trusted coworker a photo of me fully dressed. I met up with people from Genderquest for a walk or lunch. They anchored me. Some were cheerleaders for my baby steps.
4. Get specific gender therapy. I looked my therapist up online. I also worked the wonderful workbook, You and Your Gender Identity because I wanted privacy and frequent self-help. I carefully created an AI mode and used it for a journal.
5. Be kind to yourself and listen to your body.
❤️❤️❤️
