Here we go with another hour loop of "The End" by Conor & Jay. Maybe it will be two hours this time.
I remember doing something similar when I hit a certain point in my transition timeline with Testament's "The Ballad". It was like 6 or 8 hours of this. Over and over and over and over.....
Weeeeeeell......okay.....maybe not. LOL Autoplay has decided that I need to hear "Mourning Of a New Day" by Cathedral instead. I'm going to go with it. Cathedral ruled, and honestly, that title sums up how I feel a lot of days now. Maybe it will knock it out of the park with the autoplay like it did the other day. At least an hour of total bangers. Then, I think it played some lame Brutal Death Metal slop or some lame Retro-Thrash.
Anyway...I am actually going to get to the point here. I have a theory in regards to my relationship with... that person. I think the reason why we clash is twofold and, honestly, a bit screwed up when you think about it.
Given my history with my parents, we never got along. Not unless I was doing something that they approved of. "Here's your little circular box, honey. You stay there now, okay?" But.....I'm a square. How the hell is that ever going to work?
My relationship with my father was always rocky. We rarely see each other since I transitioned. But, ya know what? I actually respect him in a weird way since he at least made it clear that he more or less wants nothing to do with me. There ya go, yet another entry in the book of "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda". I swear, that needs to be my epitaph. Seriously. Had I known that THIS would be the thing to sever the ties between us, I would've just come out at age 19 like I wanted to. But I was considerate of the feelings of The Idiot.
(I swear, Laura, you can be so stupid. You censored your life, not for your benefit. But for the benefit of others. Dork. But YOU are an empath. Albeit a very misanthropic one.)
It comes down to this: That other person, the one born in the late 70s, they died a long time ago (12/1/08). BUT did they ever truly live? Or did they merely exist? Obviously, the latter is the correct answer.
I think this is what it's all about: Her daughter is cynical. Well, they had their part to play in that little recipe. A pinch of bigotry, a spoonful of ignorance, a couple of cups of domestic violence, a liter of abuse, and stir. You had that person. Obviously, I am outspoken. But so are they. The difference is that I usually know what I am talking about. But I screw up sometimes, and I am willing to admit to my mistakes and my many, many flaws. I would be a fool to do otherwise. They would never do that, and that's an issue.
But, as usual, The Idiot romanticizes and idealizes everything. When it inevitably fails to live up to their utterly ridiculous standards, it's all whining and moaning. I have some Aged English White Cheddar if you would like some.
And that is the issue. The Idiot just came at all of this from the same direction as my father. "As long as you walk in psychological and ideological lockstep, we will get along just fine, honey."
Oh, who am I kidding? They would never use big words like that.
But you see the issue? THIS is why so many offspring get as far away from their family when the opportunity presents itself. The punchline in the joke that is my life is this: If I wasn't trans, I would've already left. Despite my shortcomings. So, basically, life gave me the one-two punch. Gee...thanks.
So......
I was a disappointment in their eyes as The Other and totally insufferable as I am now. Oh, well. They could just show me the door, ya know? Oh, well. They wanna keep playing this game. Maybe we will continue. Maybe I will just say 'the heck with this' and go home.
