Like, ya know, whatever

[Laura Squirrel]

I wanted to give this its own post. This song here was a ray of hope. Especially the pre-chorus. Even though he never knew it since he lived a few states away and it never got brought up by me later, my late uncle, Dennis, saved my life by buying me this cassette as an early Christmas present. I just told him: "Dude, get me anything at all by Anthrax. I've been reading a lot of cool stuff in Circus and Hit Parader about them." I didn't even know they were working on a new record. That, or I just forgot at the time.

I just wish I could've played some electrified country blues for him when he was dying. That will always haunt me, unfortunately. He would have been so happy to know how much of an influence he had on me in that regard.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Oh yeah for me the music was a type of drum & bass called tech step. Quite angry and heavy! I made the light fall off the living room ceiling below it was so loud lol. I do still like that stuff tbh!

[Laura Squirrel]

Oh yeah for me the music was a type of drum & bass called tech step. Quite angry and heavy! I made the light fall off the living room ceiling below it was so loud lol. I do still like that stuff tbh!

LOL

That reminds me of when I got a massive Peavey bass amp when I was, I think, 19. I would run a DOD distortion box through it. I would play it on only one and a half and rattle stuff off the shelves in the bathroom. That went away once I moved out into my apartment; I traded it for a Peavey multi-effects box (which is long, long gone now).

[Laura Squirrel]

4/13/13

I'm just kicking back and chillin'. Probably listening to some music.

There's a knock at the door. Could it be...?

I open the door, and there's the mail carrier with a pair of boxes. I smile, say, 'Thanks. Have a good day,' as I grab the boxes and stack them up in the doorway of the apartment. 

One box was from Michigan. The other one was from somewhere in eastern Canada. So, it was amusing to me that they arrived on the same day.

I knew who was coming from where. So, the box from Michigan was opened first.

There she was: Portia Porcupine, in the plush. (Since she doesn't have flesh. LOL) She was still in her original packaging with her roller skates. Now, I'm not one of those people who cares about resale. Are you insane? I wanted one of these since I was 8. No way I was going to resell her. She's getting buried with me, and if anyone prevents that from happening, I will haunt you for the rest of your days. Ya think I can be harsh in this realm? LOL, I would drive people to the point of insanity if they screwed me over on that.

I removed Portia from the packaging, took off the skates, and tossed them into the shipping container.

I held her up and yelled: "Oh, my God! It's YOU!" I gave her a huge hug and a kiss on the forehead. After carefully placing her on the couch, I opened up the box from Canada. 

Dotty Dog didn't have her original packaging. But she did have her skates. Not that it mattered to me. Into the shipping container they went. I didn't have the same reaction to her. But I was still happy to have her. I placed her next to Portia and bagged up the trash.

Eventually, I got the smaller versions of Portia and Dotty. By this point, my Get Along Gang fanfiction series was underway. I altered Portia by snipping off her quills. Dotty had her ribbons removed. I renamed them Patrica and Doris since I already had those characters in the fanfics. They were cousins to Portia and Dotty, respectively. They were 3 years younger than Portia and Dotty. They also lived in the mountain town of Pine Corners (an actual location in the Get Along Gang world). This was also the home of Erica Porcupine. But those characters never crossed paths due to the age difference. Plus, Erica was pretty reclusive due to all of the abuse she had to endure from her peers and teachers. Thankfully, she had very supportive parents. (Even if her father was resistant and her mother set him straight.) Hmmmm, this is going elsewhere. Maybe I will discuss that in another post.)

So, anyway...as time went on, I added others such as Mr Bacon. He was a plush bacon that talked. He would just say "I'm bacon" over and over and had a mechanical mouth that moved. As hilarious as that was, I removed the voice box since I was worried about battery leakage. That didn't matter anyway. I just thought he was totally trippy.

At some point in the summer of 2014, I was out at my parents' house. I asked my mom if she still had the dog from back in the day. She did. It was in a chest in my dad's room. She was curious why I wanted it back. I laughed and said it would be awesome to have her with the others. That smoke smell, though. Oh, my god. It took a while to get that smell out of her. She was renamed Debra. Debra was the name of the adopted daughter of Dotty. There was one story where it was 20 years in the future, and she made an appearance there. In this story, Laura Squirrel and Portia Porcupine were a married couple. Even though they were now in their thirties, they were still very much kids at heart; Debra would always rope them in to playing Legos with her.

There I go again with that.....

Eventually, Babs Bunny and Dot Warner joined the crew. I REALLY wanted one of Fifi Le Fume. But, as far as I could tell, there were no dolls of her that were produced.

Then.....everything went down the tubes fast.

Some genius brought bugs into my place and the building got infested. Everything had to go. It was so, so, so depressing. Sure, some might say "Oh, grow up, you big baby."  Well.....I won't say what I actually said. But I am pretty sure that you can figure out what my response was.

I would rebuild and get some of them back. Portia was, obviously, the most important. THEN this happened again.....and again.

After the third time, I was so done on so many levels. It really was a struggle not to just say 'laterz', ya know what I mean? Between medical problems going on at the same time, I was beyond at the end of my rope.

But, one night, after crying for three days straight over this, I decided to just do it and buy yet another Portia doll, hoping that this cycle wouldn't repeat itself again.

There were 2 Portia dolls on eBay in the U.S. The larger one and the smaller one. I bought the larger one. I was talking to my friend, and when I told him that I bought the larger one. He informed me that he had purchased the smaller one, and it was supposed to be a surprise because he knew how important this was to me. I eventually donated the smaller one for various reasons. I don't even remember what they were. I just wanted her to get back out into the world. But I still mention that from time to time since I was so touched by him doing that. I've repaid that favor back to him in a few ways when he was in certain spots.

I eventually got Dotty back too.

I think that covers everything.

[Laura Squirrel]

I picked up my standard-tuned guitar for the first time since May of last year. I played a bit of Ramones speed punk to warm up. That was good. Faster speeds? Swing and a miss. Oh, well. Slowed the drum machine down to 44 bpm and rocked some Eyehategod/Grief inspired Sludge instead. It felt sooooooo good.

My fingertips were screaming in pain. But I didn't care at all. My fretting hand is a tad weak. But I will build it back up in time.

I need to do this way, way more. But I have been stuck in this thought pattern of: "Why do anything? Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

Will I get away from those thoughts? I honestly have no idea. But I need to channel that into some DOOOOOOOOM and let it pour out through my fingertips. At least it's something that is beneficial.

I might be running through my laundry more, though. I smell like a dead squirrel rotting in the afternoon sun.

Yuck.

[Laura Squirrel]

Was thinking of throwing this in that one thread about dealing with feelings of shame. But I will just talk about it here. Sometimes, when I am watching live streams of some peeps, I get asked if I am a chick or a dude. Apparently, some people who aren't trans will go under female names for whatever reason.

I just say that I am a chick. Why? Because it's the truth.

That's it.....
End of......

BUT, it's NOT the end. I just wanted to throw that in for emphasis. Plus, I always liked picking up bits of British English slang since, probably, 7th grade. It just amused me, and I loved messing with the idiots around me.

But, anyway.......

The way I see it, unless I am speaking to a doctor or someone I have a romantic interest in (and that will never happen; I have zero desire to be around the locals), IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Also, when people find that out and start screaming about deception and all that crap. Yo, get bent. I'm not going to be an imbecile and potentially get myself killed by some idiot. I would have to be pretty stupid to do that, wouldn't I?

Of course I would.

Anyway.....I just wanted to vent a bit.

I'm Laura.

That's it.

[Laura Squirrel]

Ya know.....there are those who asked....what happened to Nimona?

Well, the answer is: She transformed into an adult woman, moved to San Andreas, and works at The Palace. The hottest place in Downtown Vinewood.

Yep.

Every time that one of my OC's walks in the door of the club and she say: "Hey, Boss", I can't help but think about that. LOL 

[Laura Squirrel]

*sighs*

Sheesh.

I.....I don't understand people.

I talk to my mother about the dark plans that this evil administration has for the trans community, and it just goes in one ear and out the other.

My youngest aunt is in town, and we were talking about that. At one point, I brought up politics. It was more to do with our joke of a government and how I was dealing with crap over my estrogen. When I brought up the really dark stuff, it's like it just flew right over her head (after exiting her ear).

It's, like, what is going on in your mind? Are you so psychologically broken that you don't process what people say? Is it some weird coping mechanism?

(Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts)

Eventually, we're talking about her friggin' dogs. It just makes no sense.

I can't help but think to myself: "Mom, what are you going to do if my worst fears come to pass? When my apartment is deathly silent, and I am nowhere to be found. BUT, everything is in its proper place. Portia and Dotty on my table next to the laptop. The poster flags are on the wall. But.....where's Laura? Her phone's here. But... where is she? OR A much more grisly outcome occurs. What then?

I know this is a real downer. But I don't know how else to put this.

Also, I want to make this crystal clear: That other outcome does NOT involve self-harm. That gives those evil people want they want, and I will NOT give them what they want.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

*sighs*

Sheesh.

I.....I don't understand people.

I talk to my mother about the dark plans that this evil administration has for the trans community, and it just goes in one ear and out the other.

My youngest aunt is in town, and we were talking about that. At one point, I brought up politics. It was more to do with our joke of a government and how I was dealing with crap over my estrogen. When I brought up the really dark stuff, it's like it just flew right over her head (after exiting her ear).

It's, like, what is going on in your mind? Are you so psychologically broken that you don't process what people say? Is it some weird coping mechanism?

(Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts)

Eventually, we're talking about her friggin' dogs. It just makes no sense.

I can't help but think to myself: "Mom, what are you going to do if my worst fears come to pass? When my apartment is deathly silent, and I am nowhere to be found. BUT, everything is in its proper place. Portia and Dotty on my table next to the laptop. The poster flags are on the wall. But.....where's Laura? Her phone's here. But... where is she? OR A much more grisly outcome occurs. What then?

I know this is a real downer. But I don't know how else to put this.

Also, I want to make this crystal clear: That other outcome does NOT involve self-harm. That gives those evil people want they want, and I will NOT give them what they want.

Honestly I think most people don't care as long as their bubble is reasonably comfortable. There is a simple idea - give people just enough that they are content. Not happy but content enough to not rebel. Also make sure they have too much to lose if they do rebel. That's working for most of the population, so others lives that aren't so rosy are an inconvenient truth that would get in the way of general contentment.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Honestly I think most people don't care as long as their bubble is reasonably comfortable. There is a simple idea - give people just enough that they are content. Not happy but content enough to not rebel. Also make sure they have too much to lose if they do rebel. That's working for most of the population, so others lives that aren't so rosy are an inconvenient truth that would get in the way of general contentment.

That's what Caesar did. Give them Bread and Circuses.

[Laura Squirrel]

Honestly, I think most people don't care as long as their bubble is reasonably comfortable. There is a simple idea - give people just enough that they are content. Not happy but content enough to not rebel. Also make sure they have too much to lose if they do rebel. That's working for most of the population, so others lives that aren't so rosy are an inconvenient truth that would get in the way of general contentment.

That's what Caesar did. Give them Bread and Circuses.

You two are so spot friggin on!

I remember my friend in Ohio and I were talking about how people are so apathetic and willfully ignorant. I brought up our friend in Florida and how his attitude was driving me up the wall. My friend says to me: "Laura, he's a middle-class white guy. Of course he thinks that everything is cool." I just sighed and replied: "Yeah, I know. Well, a lot of people are in for the rudest of awakenings, and we both know that."

I often say to people these days when they bring up "there's a light at the end of the tunnel". I reply with: "Exactly. It's the train barreling down on you, and you will be crushed by it." Maybe not the correct term. But that is how I see it.

A lot of people that I know, personally, don't want to admit that they bought the lies and never puked up that pill of American exceptionalism. I did once I saw the Iran-Contra hearings as a 4th grader. Up to that point, I was all 'rah, rah, America ', mainly due to the influence of that Hulkamanaia crap since I was into that wrestling junk up until '89 when I saw footage of Andy Kaufman since it was the 5th anniversary of his death. Watching Hogan simp for the 4th Reich made me absolutely sick. It wasn't like "NO! My childhood is now destroyed!" or anything like that. By the summer of '89, I was getting deeper into music. So, even if I hadn't seen that, I would've bailed on it anyway. At the end of the day, I was just trying to connect with my father, and that was a pointless endeavor due to his alcoholism and ignorance. 

But seeing what an absurd spectacle that the RNC was, it just sickened me. I knew that this country was finished. We LOVE playing political ping-pong, and I knew this was going to happen. That's why I had a meltdown on election night. My friend saw it happen in real time since we were on video chat. I'm just glad that I never owned a gun. That night would've been the end, and I knew that.

I don't know what else to say.

[davina61]

Mum says the devil takes care of its own, there will be a price to pay/reckoning one day (sooner the better) . Some greedy for money folks around here have come to sticky ends, all that money and they still had no benefit from it. Heart attacks and strokes, the devils reward.

[Stottie Girl]

Mum says the devil takes care of its own, there will be a price to pay/reckoning one day (sooner the better) . Some greedy for money folks around here have come to sticky ends, all that money and they still had no benefit from it. Heart attacks and strokes, the devils reward.

They don't always face justice or get what's coming to them Davina, look at Jimmy Saville! If there is an afterlife though, they're screwed!

[Laura Squirrel]

They don't always face justice or get what's coming to them, Davina, look at Jimmy Saville! If there is an afterlife though, they're screwed!

That is a fantastic point! Plus, with the way that the Trumpstein files have been handled in this country, it is obvious that they don't give a damn about children at all, unless they can use them as political pawns.

[Laura Squirrel]

This whole thing with Amnesty International throwing us under the bus has my mind all spun out. I've been depressed for so, so long now. But this is so screwed up. How can an organization that is supposed to be something that helps protect human rights (on paper anyway) be so evil? But, as history has shown, evil is everywhere.

I became aware of this organization following the Tiananmen Square Massacre. Being a news geek, I had scammed a Newsweek subscription out of my parents. Some kids scammed their parents for cigarette or beer money. Not I. But I was always a news geek.

I always remembered that image of the guy standing in front of the tanks. I also remember watching the news and seeing the footage of this. I thought: "Wow. That dude has some serious guts." Meanwhile, here in the U.S., we were too stupid to stop fascism at the ballot box. Sure, plenty of people fought it. But far too many were in favor of it, or they simply didn't care.

No one will truly fight this, and I had to listen to the damn NRA drone on and on and on about "if tyranny comes to these shores we will blah, blah, blah, blah." Yeah, right. I knew back in the 90s that their talk was simply that: empty words. Look where we are now.

I saw that the squirrel tail and ears that I ordered should be arriving next week. But I feel so dead inside. I cried my eyes out, went to sleep, and woke up in tears. It's becoming beyond obvious that no one gives a damn about us.

They act like we are such a serious threat. I saw something about the population size of the trans community in the U.S. With every child, teen, and adult, it looked like there was enough of us to populate the entirety of Indianapolis and maybe the suburbs like Southport, etc.

I thought to myself: "That's all? Seriously? How the hell can we be such a threat that, when you really think about it, we're but a mere blip in the population?"

But, as history has shown, the powers that be and the lemmings who follow them will always attack those who can defend themselves the least. (In terms of numbers anyway)

The really ironic thing is that I am a few days away from the 20th anniversary of when I came out to my mother. Well....sort of...

I was so panicked, even though I psyched myself up all day, that I didn't tell her the full story. That didn't happen until a few weeks later.

I did all this.......and for what?

[davina61]

To be true to yourself, UK toilet ban soon but I will still use ladies rest room. Not that I know or seen anyone that is bothered.

[Lori Dee ✅]

The LGBTQ community is only the current target. We are such a small segment of the population; most people don't know anyone in the community. They have no real experience to dispute misinformation and stereotypes.

Last night, I watched All The President's Men (1976). You are likely familiar with the book or the movie. Although the focus was on the Watergate scandal, the modus operandi has not changed. The GOP used the government intelligence agencies to spy on U.S. citizens and weaponized the Justice Department, the FBI, the CIA, etc. They used political contributions to pay criminals, and the investigation led directly to the President.

Nixon resigned, but I don't see that happening here. Yet, we have the same scenario, and people are getting fed up. Although many are frightened, there will be people speaking out, leaking the truth, and eventually exposing the corruption.

History repeats itself.

[Laura Squirrel]

The LGBTQ community is only the current target. We are such a small segment of the population; most people don't know anyone in the community. They have no real experience to dispute misinformation and stereotypes.

Last night, I watched All The President's Men (1976). You are likely familiar with the book or the movie. Although the focus was on the Watergate scandal, the modus operandi has not changed. The GOP used the government intelligence agencies to spy on U.S. citizens and weaponized the Justice Department, the FBI, the CIA, etc. They used political contributions to pay criminals, and the investigation led directly to the President.

Nixon resigned, but I don't see that happening here. Yet, we have the same scenario, and people are getting fed up. Although many are frightened, there will be people speaking out, leaking the truth, and eventually exposing the corruption.

History repeats itself.

I'm sure that I have seen that movie at some point. Growing up in the days of VHS rental houses, the occasional free weekends of HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, etc., and the absolutely awesome "Movies Til Dawn" and "Sammy Terry", I watched a LOT of movies. Do I remember all of the plots? No. Way too much info to absorb and retain for my structurally deficient brain. (That's not a dis on myself. This is a verified medical fact. I was told about this when I was in 5th grade, when my short-term memory was turning to dust.)

Donald will send the military out en masse before he ever even thinks of resigning. Maybe he will push the button, and it's all going to be over quite quickly.

I understand where you are coming from. History has been repeating itself. But it's the 4th Reich. This will not be a repeat of what happened with Nixon. The Republicans are wrapped around his tiny, tiny pinky finger. I can't remember who said it. But one of these drones in Congress said: "Mr Trump asks us to jump and we say 'how high, mr president?" We're in so much trouble.

[Laura Squirrel]

Since I mentioned this in a reply, I want to do a quick blurb here.

When I was in 5th grade, I began to have issues with my short-term memory when I was around 10 or 11. My mom would tell me something, and by the time I would be walking down the hallway to my bedroom, I would completely forget what she had said.

During a visit to my docs, I said: "Dude, I can't remember anything at all anymore. What is going on here?" The doc explained it in a way that, to me, was absolutely brilliant.

He says: "Imagine you have an empty half-gallon jug. Then, you take a gallon jug that is filled with water and begin to fill that half-gallon jug. What do you think will happen?" I replied: "Well, it's going to fill up, and the rest of the water will spill all over the sink."

He looks at me and nods.

While it was nice to know the answer to this question, it's just one of many medical issues that I have to deal with. Even if gender dysphoria wasn't an issue (and I wish it wasn't), I would still be just as worried about the state of this decaying republic and what may happen. Ya know, being in the 4th Reich and all.

[Laura Squirrel]

Summer of 1998

I'm chillin' in my apartment and playing a game on my younger brother's PS1 that I was borrowing. Maybe "Road Rash" or some Nascar-style racing game. Unfortunately, I had my stupid cousin staying with me since he's a loser and he couldn't get along with his mother. My mother guilt-tripped me into letting him stay there. This was NOT going to last long at all. He was a stuck-up douchebag who always talked down to me. I threw him out twice because he was getting into hard drugs, and it was getting on my nerves. Sure, I was drunk all of the time and something else. But...yeah.

Anyway...

A dude comes over with a video game: Grand Theft Auto.

I had never heard of this, and when I played it for the first time, I was totally hooked. (I'm listening to the GTA 1 soundtrack right now) Sure, that herky-jerky camera is an absolute headache NOW. But, back then, I loved this game to death.

This was also how I was exposed to the band Conor & Jay.

It has been so insane to see the evolution of this game. I kind of wish they had never used licensed music, though, and did it all in-house like some of the earlier versions. But, whatever.

It was really funny to see my younger nephew's reaction to the older versions of GTA since all he knew was the HD universe. He looked at GTA 3 as if it was the Atari 2600 version of "Pac-Man". LOL, I actually showed him gameplay of "Pac-Man," and he looked so confused by it. Oh, you kids! LOL

So, yeah....

The GTA London 1969 soundtrack is GOD! That also shoots that one idea full of holes too. Ooops. GTA 2 had smoothed out that camera a bit. There was also the amazing song, "Vegas Road" by Conor & Jay. That was one of the earliest songs where I discovered that I could sing like a girl. So, that was rad.

GTA 3 totally blew my mind when it came out. That was also the first time I had to show my I.D. to purchase a game. I remember dying laughing when the guy asked me for my I.D. I was thinking, "You've gotta be kidding me." It was because of that "M" rating. I just laughed it off since I knew what was going to happen once I left the store. I bought a bottle of Jim Beam on the walk home, and I remember laughing about this with the cashier at the liquor store. What a world, eh?

I remember once I found out about the cheats (via a now-former 'friend'). Being able to play as a chick was so rad. I burned through maybe three or four controllers during the ps2 days because of this. That's when I heard the song "Change" by Conor & Jay. (Are you seeing a pattern here?)

I will never forget when I finally jumped that broken Callahan Bridge and got into Staunton Island early. I got attacked by a Colombian gangster, and I had no idea who he was. LOL "Who's this crazy dude?!! What's going on???" LOL

It was so funny when I approached the Torrington area and said to myself: "Woooooow" LOL I felt like a little kid in that moment, minus the bullying and domestic violence, thankfully.

Jumping ahead here......(No shade to Liberty City Stories, Vice City, and San Andreas, of course. But, Vice City Stories was awful.)

I missed out on "GTA 4" since I had given away my ps2 and games to someone my mom knew since they were broke and I was burnt out on gaming at that point. It was really funny since she said something about the fact that the parents didn't like the games. I laughed and said: "What the hell do I care about that? They can sell the games, throw them out, whatever. It's not like I bought this stuff for the express purpose of donating it." But that's my elders for ya. Oy vey!

I got the PS5 as an early birthday present from the person who I just dissed. LOL I don't care. Anyway.....

I absolutely LOVED that I could create a character from scratch without the need for cheats and thus, wearing out my controller. You've seen those before in this thread.

Okay....I'm gonna shut up now. LOL