Tammy's Crazy Ambitions (Sponsored by Self-Doubt)

[Maid Marion]

40% of women over 45 have excess facial hair.

[tammy753]

I think mine is way coarser or at least I hope theirs isn't like mine.

[Stottie Girl]

Its more that I know its there than the shadow. I am over 50 so its turning white. I face in my hand a lot for work when i am reading or contemplating how people can be so dumb. And feeling the stubble bothers me. I know its a silly thing but it does. I can afford it but I haven't been to a store in over a year so going to a electrolysis appointment is probably not going to happen. We haven't even started to talk about my touch phobia.

I totally get that. I can go almost 3 days without it being particularly visible but after one and a half or two days it is the feel that triggers me. I hate that rough sandpaper feeling.

THe touch thing I get too. Having never been intimate with anyone since my teens, I flich away if anyone touches me. Deep down I really do crave human physical contact but the reality of it causes me to flinch, get award and look for an escape. If you find an answer to that one I would love to know it!

[tammy753]

Another day of severe dysphoria and deep doubts I will be able to complete my transition. I don't know why but I woke up this morning with these thoughts and I am digging my self a hole. I needed to put this down sorry to bring everyone down. I have 578 days until I can move forward. I have been thinking about how crazy it will be for my brother when i tell him. "Hey I know you have known me as your brother for 50 years but now I want you to change all of that." Seems insane to ask someone when I think about it from the other side. I am sorry of this is offensive I don't mean anything by it but its what I am thinking.

Sorry ignore this I will figure it out.

[tammy753]

So I figured out what it was. I have been thinking about telling my brother a lot. Notice a theme to these posts yet?

I am seeing him for the last time without him knowing that I am trans and if he can't accept it, it will be the last time I will see him. So I think I am just struggling with this visit. I have been thinking about making sure he knows I love him and make sure I remind him Country music is still terrible. So that is what the crying fit was about this morning. Did i already say that in my previous post? I am looking forward to Alzheimers, I look forward to forgetting something for a change. The constant re-evaluating everything is exhausting.

OK I am done for the next 20 minutes at least.

[Stottie Girl]

You will successfully complete your transition Tammy, I have no doubt in my mind. I'm puzzelled why you have such a precise countdown to it though?

You probably can't ever know how someone will react. I am scared stiff of telling my dad because I'm frightened I might loose him. I think it will soon be out of my hands as my body changes are getting to the point where delaying things much beyond this winter would not be feasible.

I understand why telling your brother is so scary. He is your last real family connection and without him you will feel alone. But I see you on here Tammy, you make me laugh my butt off most days when I check out your blog. You will easily find friends and maybe a partner who loves you once you emerge as your true self. Tht sid it would be far better to have your brother in your corner too.

This visit, I would just make it a memorable one, do everything you want to do and everything he wants to do. Let him know how much he means to you. Then before he comes on the next visit, that will be the time to tell him, so if he reacts badly, you still have this upcoming wonderful memory of him.

[tammy753]

I'm puzzelled why you have such a precise countdown to it though?

The number of days is when I will be able to access my 401k (retirement account using a loop hole in the system) and the specific date is when I will have my bonus for that year. So 578 days from today. The Bonus will be moving money for movers and that kind of stuff so I need that cash. I will be able to take a lot of time off that last year since I will have 4 weeks vacation that I don't need to save for anything.

I was just overly emotional this morning this morning. One should not blog when tears are running down their face.

[Stottie Girl]

Aw sorry you are feeling so down. I'm too far away for real hugs but I'll send you a transatlantic metaphorical one instead!

401k sounds like a healthy retirement pot to be able to dip into. As long as you don't leave yourself without enough to survive you will be in a good place I think. I think for GRS privately I will have to wait for inheritance unfortunately, though oddly it will likely be in the same ballpark as your figure ha! similarities again!

[Devlyn ✅]

Not the 401k you're thinking of, Sarah! 😂

[Maid Marion]

In the States there is a rule of 55.  If you leave job with a 401k you can access that 401k when you turn 55  years old. 

I got a pension disbursement that I put into investments that have done  quite well. 😀

[tammy753]

In the States there is a rule of 55.  If you leave job with a 401k you can access that 401k when you turn 55  years old.

Yeah this is what I meant. I don't plan to live on that money but I want that safety net. I will need to change jobs to live in Colorado. That is the 578 days that I am referencing, quit my current job move and get a new job as Tammy.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I was just overly emotional this morning this morning. One should not blog when tears are running down their face.

Don't feel bad, Tammy.

Country makes me cry too. But for a different reason. It also nauseates me, but that's just me.

🤣

[Maid Marion]

A retirement Roth IRA can also be used as a safety net.
After age 59-1/2 you can take out money you just put into without penalty if  you have had any Roth accounts for 5 years.  Even if that account didn't have money it it!
Earnings are taxed if you take them out before 5 years.
USA rules are really complicated. 🙄

[Stottie Girl]

OK, clearly something lost in translation there. I have no clue what a 401K is then! Never mind. Just trying to help!🤣🤣

[davina61]

I dont like old style country music but my lads band play country rock and that is good, there latest single is playing on Planet Rock in the US and going down well. Check out Wood Burnt Red.