Tammy's Crazy Ambitions (Sponsored by Self-Doubt)

[tammy753]

Tammy, have you thought about headphones or earplugs and then sunglasses.

Perhaps that will reduce the outside stimulus and maybe you can cope a bit better?

No I would not want to have headphones. Its the fear of people behind me and staring at me neither will address that. Like I said I am a therapist gold mine or mind of issues.

[Stottie Girl]

No I would not want to have headphones. Its the fear of people behind me and staring at me neither will address that. Like I said I am a therapist gold mine or mind of issues.

Horse blinkers?😜😜

Joking aside that does sound awful. You must be living in total paranoia everytime you go out. I wish you lived near me, I would go out with you so you can try to aclimatise to it. Do you have any friends nearby who could go on "training runs" with you?

[tammy753]

Do you have any friends nearby who could go on "training runs" with you?

No I had a work friend but I pushed then away now I don't have any left. I am going on a offroading trip with my brother next week we will will see how that goes. we are stopping at a Trailhead for lunch so that will be something. I am not looking forward to it to be honest. He wanted to go to a restaurant but I am not up to that.

[Stottie Girl]

Well I can't be critical given I only have one friend left ha ha! I don't push them away either, they all just leave me of their own accord so that makes me sadder in my book!

When you are out with your brother see if his presence lessens the agoraphobia or not.

I should probably preach on about the mental health benefits of having a supportive social circle but given that I have no idea how to find one I'll let others chip in on that front.

[tammy753]

My brother texted me, which is not unusual since we text each other stupid jokes all the time, or I tell him how we have IT Engineers that are supposed to build systems for our entire staff and I wouldn't let them wipe my Etch A Sketch. Someone really needs to reign in my storytelling, I am clearly not capable of that. Anyway, he texted me "Is this true?" then nothing. The bastard said nothing. My brain immediately thought, did he figure out I am trans? Did he know that I bought a Lady Gaga CD? And the big one, did he find out I can tolerate Catalina chicken from Taco Bell, OH NOOOO? So that happened today. I am going to do you a favor so you understand my panic: I am going to hold the rest of this story until the end.

I have been thinking I am not excited about buying a house. I live in less than 800 square feet. I don't need 1500–2000 square feet. I do want a garage and a place to hide from other humans with a moat and a drawbridge. Maybe automated turrets that fire pepper spray balls—I don't need corpses decomposing outside, think of the flies and the smell. And full attack dogs and razor wire. And... sorry, I got lost in my house plans. I just don't need a 2000-square-foot home that will cost more to heat, cool, and defend from the herds of blood-sucking humans. I think about the fact that I have to deal with insurance, higher utilities, house issues, and worst of all, neighbors. That's compounded if they have a bunch of partially formed humans that they created like a genetic experiment.

The problem is that I looked at rental prices in Pueblo and the average is 1200–1800, and I can get a house for less than that. At least if I buy a house, I can install a fortified wall with razor wire around it to keep their demon spawn out of my yard.

I know it sounds like I don't like children, but that isn't true. I just don't like them near me. If you have children, well, that is a you problem. I didn't make that mistake, and I shouldn't have to hear them screaming or breathing. Wow, maybe I do hate children. Can someone contact my therapist? She isn't taking my calls. "I'm overworked" and "you need to consider being institutionalized" or "did you take your meds?" blah, blah, blah... Yes, I took my meds 21 hours ago.... They wore off around now, maybe I need to write this in the morning when they are still full strength.

So that is it. I feel like I am forgetting something, I am sure one of you will remind me what it is.

Sponsored by the number 8 and Slushies, dammit now I want a slushie off to Sonic!

[Stottie Girl]

Nooooooooo!You can't leave it there! Was it true???!!! FFS! What the hell was he on about?

Don't be a tease! I'll be off to bed soon!

I have no kids either, I hate the screaming, wailing and crying from annoying kids but I'm not a child hater. I like the quiet inquisitive ones though I'm always a little uncomfortable around them. I'm not entirely sure how they work, what are you supposed to do with them etc!

I just bought a 2 bed bunglalow with front and rear gardens a garage and a conservatory. I can't imagine I will ever need anything else. I can lie back in my garden and watch the wheels of the airliners nearly brush the treetops over my garden. All very exciting stuff! I probably could have rented somewhere but there is nothing quite like having your own pile of bricks and mortar, or whatever you Americans use, balsa wood and drywall it seems.

[Petunia]

Tammy, just in case you haven't worked it out...

Most people don't really look. Those that do look are generally too polite to say anything.

You might find the only comment might be something gendered like SIR or mam.

Even if your brother does suspect something he is probably to nice to bring it up.

You might find that you have to say something like, I have something I have to tell you. I'm not certain but I think I might be trans.

[Lori Dee ✅]

You can find smaller (less than 1,000 sq. ft.) older homes for sale around Pueblo and in outlying areas. Most were built in the early 1900s, so they are small. The further west you go, they get smaller, and some are even called cabins. Watch out for those, as many lack running water. The older homes are nice; some are dumps, so you need to look at the realtor photos carefully. If you don't mind strong storms and hot summers, look to the east of Pueblo out in the plains, like Baxter, Avondale, or Boone. They are small towns (possibly Trumpish), but the prices are pretty good for the amount of home you can get.

For myself, I am looking for something over 1,000 sq. ft. because... well... mining equipment takes up space. And I want to be fairly close to a VA Clinic for my medical care.

If you have specific questions about the area, you can email me at LoriDee605@outlook.com

[tammy753]

@Lori Dee Thanks for the offer I will probably look for a 2 br and 2 bath. I work remote and will need to work for a few more years after the move. I have been saving a long time to own a house it just seems over whelming sometimes. I think I try and talk my self out of things.

Nooooooooo!You can't leave it there! Was it true???!!! FFS! What the hell was he on about?

😈I warned you I am mean!

Most people don't really look. Those that do look are generally too polite to say anything.

Are you secretly my therapist? You haven't billed me for a few weeks thanks!

[tammy753]

So I don't have a lot to say. Calm down, we don't need the noisemakers and confetti.

My brother texted me "Is this true?" then nothing. He, of course, doesn't know I have my top-secret transness. So then he decided to send me this huge meme file that froze up and caused the long delay. My mind, of course, immediately thought he knew my secret. Or someone told him I could tolerate chicken. But no, it was a stupid meme about traffic in a city I used to have to drive every day. I am considering suing him for almost causing me a heart attack. Sorry I didn't finish the story yesterday, but I thought cutting it off would get across the panic I felt.

Speaking of panic, I have been having, let's call them, Emergency Evacuations. I have figured out all those cool water enhancers are incompatible with my colon. You know those water rockets kids' toys? I was basically turning into one and heading for orbit most days. I stopped using them and my flights have stopped. I know you wanted to learn about my colon today, so you are welcome.

On another note, I started writing a book. I am working on the first chapter. I used a lot of profanity, so I am hoping we can charge for each of those. I don't know who would want to read it—probably prisoners with limited options. I will see if we can have it printed on Charmin so it can serve two purposes. I feel like this effort is a little self-centered to think anyone will care, but hey, no one is forcing them to read it.

So that is all I know. And to recap: the text was a fire drill to induce panic, Rectal Rocketry, and a possible book in the works.

[Stottie Girl]

I'm so glad you shared the inner workings of your colon Tammy. What a beautiful story, thinking of your colonic irrigation is just what I need as I drift off to sleep!

Yeah, I totally would have freaked out at your brother's text too. I would definitely sue if I were you. Total anti-climax though!

That's great news on the writing. Do you feel up to sharing a rough synopsis or is it too early?

[davina61]

I have the same problem with onion, garlic and processed foods. I am okay if the onion and garlic are cooked out, its the whatever it is acid in them and the same stuff they put in processed food.

[tammy753]

I have the same problem with onion, garlic and processed foods. I am okay if the onion and garlic are cooked out, its the whatever it is acid in them and the same stuff they put in processed food.

I thought it was the Lettuce incident but it never went away. I finally figured out why I was turning into an upside down geiser when I didn't use the water flavoring for a few days and it all stopped. So we have talked about this alot now is everyone thoroughly grosses out?

That's great news on the writing. Do you feel up to sharing a rough synopsis or is it too early?

I have half of chapter one finished and I don't know what it is yet but its a great release. My therapist thought it was a good idea, I am really sick of her being right its really annoying.

[tammy753]

I am feeling really run down today. Not sure why but I am just blah. I think I am not in the mood to write.

My facial hair is driving me crazy I can't stand having to shave and since I want to start electrolysis I can't pluck it. I am feeling the dysphoria today. I looked into voice training and through the Seattle Voice Lab is $160 for 50 minutes. I don't even know what to say to that price. So I am just a little lost today, I don't know the path forward right now. Sorry I normally have fun with this blog but not feeling it today.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I am feeling really run down today. Not sure why but I am just blah. I think I am not in the mood to write.

My facial hair is driving me crazy I can't stand having to shave and since I want to start electrolysis I can't pluck it. I am feeling the dysphoria today. I looked into voice training and through the Seattle Voice Lab is $160 for 50 minutes. I don't even know what to say to that price. So I am just a little lost today, I don't know the path forward right now. Sorry I normally have fun with this blog but not feeling it today.

Hang in there, Tammy.

Have you looked at TransVoice Lessons on YouTube? They are not the same as having a coach, but she does a good job of explaining things and providing exercises for practice.

[tammy753]

Have you looked at TransVoice Lessons on YouTube? They are not the same as having a coach, but she does a good job of explaining things and providing exercises for practice.

I did and I tried it but I need the structure and feed back. I am just feeling run down today, I haven't had caffeine since Tuesday so it might be that. I usually drink things with fake sweetener in it and now I am afraid of all of it. I think i need to let my system recover for a bit. So its just water right now and Oatmeal Raisin cookies cause cookies.

[Stottie Girl]

Sorry you're feeling down Tammy Dysphoria hits the best of us from time to time.

Voice coaching where I am seems to be around £75 p/h so around $100. That coach sounds dear. Might pay you to shop around a bit maybe. When are you planning on starting electolysis? plucking your facial hair sounds excrutiating!!

Also maybe don't right when you are not in the mood, You probably won't produce your best work.

Chin up honey. Your therapist has your back.

[tammy753]

plucking your facial hair sounds excrutiating!!

I stopped plucking a month or so ago. I have to let the follicles recover. Honestly its not that painful after the first few times. I almost did it again but I have to remind my self that I am letting it recover but today I am just feeling it.

[Stottie Girl]

Do you get much in way of beard shadow?

For me cost is putting a downer on everything. I cannot afford to do everything all at once so I will have to choose between electrolysis and Voice therapy and orchiectomy. At the moment the orchiectomy is winning with me.

I wish I was just a little bit richer! Maybe I should sell my body lol!

[tammy753]

Its more that I know its there than the shadow. I am over 50 so its turning white. I face in my hand a lot for work when i am reading or contemplating how people can be so dumb. And feeling the stubble bothers me. I know its a silly thing but it does. I can afford it but I haven't been to a store in over a year so going to a electrolysis appointment is probably not going to happen. We haven't even started to talk about my touch phobia.