Tammy's Crazy Ambitions (Sponsored by Self-Doubt)

[tammy753]

I plan to talk to my therapist on Monday about it. I put it into Google AI and it seems to part of my Agoraphobia and other issues. My therapist wanted my to start this blog to share things instead of bottling them up and dwelling on them. Apparently she thinks I am closed off. I thought I overshare so I don't know who is write but I am paying her and the customer is always right, does that work for therapy?

Also I am having concentration issues today which I am sure it related to all this so in general today sucks.

I did declare today Profanity today at work so I am working to offend my coworkers. They think its hilarious, it didn't work, dang it.

[Stottie Girl]

I plan to talk to my therapist on Monday about it. I put it into Google AI and it seems to part of my Agoraphobia and other issues. My therapist wanted my to start this blog to share things instead of bottling them up and dwelling on them. Apparently she thinks I am closed off. I thought I overshare so I don't know who is write but I am paying her and the customer is always right, does that work for therapy?

Also I am having concentration issues today which I am sure it related to all this so in general today sucks.

I did declare today Profanity today at work so I am working to offend my coworkers. They think its hilarious, it didn't work, dang it.

I don't pretend to be a great interpreter of dreams so I won't try. However, I don't think you will have such a whole hearted rejection from your family. Some might I suppose but I doubt your entire family would disown you Tammy. You come across as such a bubbly friendly soul I find it hard to think people will treat you as badly as you fear. If they do, screw them, it is their loss, you don't need people like that in your life.

But you never really know how someone will react, sometimes the ones you totally expected to flip out will turn out to be one of your biggest allies. You are on a similar timeframe as me and while it can help to get everthing in place to try and achieve a seemless transition (as best we can) it does give us too much time to overthink things. There is something to be said for just closing your eyes and taking that leap of faith I suppose.

Try and see it for what it is, a dream, it's not a premonition. You have a bright future ahead of you girl.

[tammy753]

Yeah I over think everything that is why I want to talk to my therapist and have her tell me I am over thinking it  like all of you are telling me. At least with her it will cost me $100 to feel silly.

[Stottie Girl]

You aren't being silly Tammy, you're just working through some stuff is all.

I'm just certain you will end up in a very good place in 2028 if not sooner! I don't know what you are like in male mode but on here, as Tammy, you are friendly, open ,careing, supportive, outgoing. I find it hard to believe you are introverted or suffer with agoraphobia. Being Tammy is good for you, it suits you just as being Sarah suits me.

[tammy753]

Thanks Sarah you are still the prettier sister! Damn it!

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks Sarah you are still the prettier sister! Damn it!

Don't do yourself down Sis, I bet you're more attractive than you think you are. I'm just good at makeup I think ha ha!

Thanks though😁

[tammy753]

I am starting to not care if people figure out I am trans. I think this is a good and bad thing. I grew my hair out in 2000. I started HRT in 2013, I think. I have dd breasts. I wear women's glasses. I also have dd breasts and have to wear a bra every day. I can't hide the change so am I fooling any one, I still get sir but I think its my facial hair once I zap that away I think hiding will be over. I remembers how to talk like I did in my twenties yesterday, I had a female voice figured out. I think people must be blind that to not know I am trans.

Thoughts?

[tgirlamg]

I am starting to not care if people figure out I am trans. I think this is a good and bad thing. I grew my hair out in 2000. I started HRT in 2013, I think. I have dd breasts. I wear women's glasses. I also have dd breasts and have to wear a bra every day. I can't hide the change so am I fooling any one, I still get sir but I think its my facial hair once I zap that away I think hiding will be over. I remembers how to talk like I did in my twenties yesterday, I had a female voice figured out. I think people must be blind that to not know I am trans.

Thoughts?

Hey Tammy!

Not caring is powerful mindset indeed! We can spend a lifetime afraid and paralyzed with thoughts of how we people may react to us... live your life and fear not!

Onward Brave Sister!

A 💕

[Stottie Girl]

I am starting to not care if people figure out I am trans. I think this is a good and bad thing. I grew my hair out in 2000. I started HRT in 2013, I think. I have dd breasts. I wear women's glasses. I also have dd breasts and have to wear a bra every day. I can't hide the change so am I fooling any one, I still get sir but I think its my facial hair once I zap that away I think hiding will be over. I remembers how to talk like I did in my twenties yesterday, I had a female voice figured out. I think people must be blind that to not know I am trans.

Thoughts?

I'm getting there bit by bit I must say. I'm always clean shaven and have very light hair anyway with no real beard shadow. It's so hot here I cannot deploy my usual protective layers to hide the boobs so I'm wandering around braless in t-shirts, I used to fear being in public like that but now I'm not even looking to see if people are reacting.

[tammy753]

My bravery might be related the the massive amount of caffeine I am running on today. This what happens when the slushy machine is broken at the drive thru. DAMN YOU SONIC!

The Mountain Dew Zero might have played a part too but lets not blame my poor decisions lets blame Sonic.

[tammy753]

I am feeling like I can't escape my male life. People keep pulling my back and now I am letting my facial hair follicles recover after plucking it for years. So I am feeling less like the true me. I tried to do what my therapist wanted which is finding a GP and am having panic attacks at just the thought of it. I guess I am feeling trapped.

Add to this my brother who don't know I am trans has announced he is coming up and won't let go of seeing me. I tried to tell him I wasn't up to it due to my agoraphobia but he isn't taking no.

I just want to pack my stuff and leave but I am trapped here for another year to make a financially responsible move.

Also my work friend wants me to come to their new house when she has it set up which I can't explain why that's not going to happen.

I feel like a fraud and a liar. I am struggling with all of the deception being a closeted trans person sucks.

[Lori Dee ✅]

My brother is an over-the-road truck driver and would tell me when he was passing through my area so we could meet for lunch. Then COVID happened, and we agreed to wait.

Meanwhile, I was still transitioning. When I got the next call, I decided it was time to come out to him before we met for lunch. I told him my appearance had changed since the last time he saw me. I explained that I had been in therapy and was diagnosed as transgender. He and I were always close, so I thought if anyone in my family would be accepting, it would be him.

He went into a rage and said many nasty things. My last words to him were, "I love you, Brother." He hung up, and we have not spoken since.

In your situation, explain that you are going through some things and you are unsure if a visit would be appropriate. If your brother insists, maybe give him a warning as I did. If he sounds positive about it, proceed. If not, there is your reason to cancel (or let him back out).

You know your situation better than I do, so take this with a grain of salt. I hope it is helpful. Good luck.
 

[Devlyn ✅]

I had been out of touch with family for years when my sister called and said our mother was in hospice and would be dying soon. I told her I was living as a woman and wouldn't be changing that to pacify family. She and my older sister accepted me and after a discussion about our mom becoming deeply religious as she aged, we agreed me going to see her before she passed wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't want to ruin an old woman's dying days.

My older brother seemed to take the news okay, but his social media was a toxic anti-trans mess so we went back to no contact. He has since came around, at least around me.

Family can surprise you.

Hugs, Devlyn

[tammy753]

My brother is an over-the-road truck driver and would tell me when he was passing through my area so we could meet for lunch. Then COVID happened, and we agreed to wait.

Meanwhile, I was still transitioning. When I got the next call, I decided it was time to come out to him before we met for lunch. I told him my appearance had changed since the last time he saw me. I explained that I had been in therapy and was diagnosed as transgender. He and I were always close, so I thought if anyone in my family would be accepting, it would be him.

He went into a rage and said many nasty things. My last words to him were, "I love you, Brother." He hung up, and we have not spoken since.

In your situation, explain that you are going through some things and you are unsure if a visit would be appropriate. If your brother insists, maybe give him a warning as I did. If he sounds positive about it, proceed. If not, there is your reason to cancel (or let him back out).

You know your situation better than I do, so take this with a grain of salt. I hope it is helpful. Good luck.
 

I struggle with telling them because I put on a tough face to hide what i am for most of our lives. I feel guilty and afraid right now of ruining our memories. I have a letter written that I had planned to send him when I was further down the transition road but the lying and pretending has gotten a lot harder the last few years. Every time it leaves me depressed after putting on the mask. I used to pluck my facial hair, just stopped, and when I found out I would sop and let it grow back enough to help hide my HRT effects.

I think he would accept me but if he doesn't I lose the last member of my family I keep in touch with. I have cut off everyone else of the years to protect my secret. So I am a coward I guess.

Sorry I know I need to be a better writer

[tammy753]

I had been out of touch with family for years when my sister called and said our mother was in hospice and would be dying soon. I told her I was living as a woman and wouldn't be changing that to pacify family. She and my older sister accepted me and after a discussion about our mom becoming deeply religious as she aged, we agreed me going to see her before she passed wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't want to ruin an old woman's dying days.

My older brother seemed to take the news okay, but his social media was a toxic anti-trans mess so we went back to no contact. He has since came around, at least around me.

Family can surprise you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks I like hearing of families being accepting. We grew up really poor in a very religious family so that is probably another factor.

[davina61]

And my sister said she was not surprised!

[tammy753]

Great news my therapist canceled my session again. I am starting to think its me. I didn't ask for a reschedule even though I really needed to have me session this week. I felt bad because she said she was sick and I didn't want her to make time for me if she is sick. I need those sessions especially this week. I am upset I needed to talk through some of the crazy thoughts I had after our last session that I haven't even shared here. I don't know what to do with this.

[tammy753]

I am going to share what happened after my last session, warning this is dark and I wasn't planning on sharing this with all of you but I need to get this out.
Possible Trigger warning!


I don't know what triggered this but After my session last week I was feeling really bad about being trans and wanted to find a way to stop. I tried to find conversion therapy to see if it could make me not trans. I looked for several hours thinking if I was a willing participant it might work for me knowing I am 53 I thought it might get me to the end of my life. I never found a place offering it. Then I thought if I started on Testosterone maybe it could reverse my transness. I Was so disgusted with my in ability to hide what I am. I was just looking for a way back to the life I had before when I hid all this and had never told anyone. I wanted to undo my HRT and just give up. I felt like I would never move forward in my transition. Then I tried to do what she wanted for my agoraphobia, go to GP in person and had panic attacks just trying to find one. I already wrote about the dream I had earlier in the week so I documented my dark thoughts I am sorry if this is too much for all of you. I am still feeling like a liar and a fraud...I guess I told you all that today already.

[Stottie Girl]

Hey sis! I can sympathise. I agonise about telling family members also though I have told my mother and she was supportive of me. the rest of the family, my Dad in particular I'm not so sure about. He is 82 and I so don't want to end up estranged from him at this late in life but at the same time I do need to live my live, I've waited so long.

In your case I would be tempted to tell your brother. If he is supportive then you have an ally who could advocate for you with the rest of your family. If he is not supportive then he still wouldn't be in 2027/8 so all you have done is brought forward the bust up. However, the big drawback is the potential for complete isolation and that can open the door to loneliness. Do you have any supportive friends? It would be good to have someone else in your corner so if the worst happens and you do end up estranged from your family, you won't be alone.

[Stottie Girl]

I am going to share what happened after my last session, warning this is dark and I wasn't planning on sharing this with all of you but I need to get this out.
Possible Trigger warning!


I don't know what triggered this but After my session last week I was feeling really bad about being trans and wanted to find a way to stop. I tried to find conversion therapy to see if it could make me not trans. I looked for several hours thinking if I was a willing participant it might work for me knowing I am 53 I thought it might get me to the end of my life. I never found a place offering it. Then I thought if I started on Testosterone maybe it could reverse my transness. I Was so disgusted with my in ability to hide what I am. I was just looking for a way back to the life I had before when I hid all this and had never told anyone. I wanted to undo my HRT and just give up. I felt like I would never move forward in my transition. Then I tried to do what she wanted for my agoraphobia, go to GP in person and had panic attacks just trying to find one. I already wrote about the dream I had earlier in the week so I documented my dark thoughts I am sorry if this is too much for all of you. I am still feeling like a liar and a fraud...I guess I told you all that today already.

You're not a liar or a fraud Tammy. You are being waaay to hard on yourself. Coming clean to medical staff was something I have been terrified of all my life but a health issue forced my hand and the reality of the situation was that everyone I have met with the exception of one doctor has been absolutely awesome. Frankly i have been scared for no reason. Go see your GP, explain what your history is and what your goals are and I will bet money that they will be professional and supportive and if they are not, find a one that is.

I have serious doubts that conversion therapy would work. But remember nobody is forcing you to transition if it's too much for you. I mean it is a lot to deal with, it's not an easy path but I am convinced that for the vast majority of us it will lead to a much happier life and an end to the turmoil of dysphoria.