Tammy's Crazy Ambitions (Sponsored by Self-Doubt)

[tammy753]

So, I think I am turning into my mother. Neither one of us ever really cared for me.

I seem to have all these grand ideas for projects. I get all excited and I buy everything. Then, I do this unbelievable thing that she was the absolute master of: I pack it all up, put it in a closet, and completely forget about it. When we moved, we found one of the most memorable examples of the massive number she left behind—a project to make stuffed animals for us when we were little kids. We were in our 20s at the time.

Last night at 3:00 AM, I woke up and realized I am doing the exact same thing. Except, I don't have her excuse of raising three children as a single mom—not that those things actually take up time or anything.

Currently, I have these tote bags with bands on them that I was going to convert into purses. I bought shoulder strap material, zippers, color-matched thread, organizers that fit perfectly, D-rings, and all the other necessary hardware. Then, I did the most amazing thing. I put all the materials in the bag and sat it on the back of my desk. It will be forgotten there until I either move, or my landlord gets complaints about the smell of my decomposing body and sends someone to clean out my apartment. I also purchased materials to build drawers in the back of my Jeep. The wood is currently neatly stacked in a storage unit, where it will likely rot and grow into a new tree before I ever get that project done.

I don't feel like I am making progress on my transition. My therapist rolls her eyes at me, so I think she likes me, LOL. She then says, "You are in therapy, on HRT, planning to move to a new city to transition, etc." I tell her I didn't do anything this week, which makes her sigh. Then, I see her eyes turn into dollar signs like some kind of Looney Tunes cartoon character. I think she has her eyes on a mansion someplace tropical, and my issues are so severe I will be in therapy until I have paid for it—and a yacht to take her there.

I am still employed, but you can tell I don't care at all about my job. I am failing to even pretend these days. I do get in a lot of snarky comments lately, so at least that gives me a reason to log in every day.

I am working on my writing. I hope you can tell—if not, just lie to me and tell me it's awesome. I do enjoy writing, but we all need to keep that to ourselves. If my therapist finds out she was right, she will want a raise and won't be around long enough to treat all my issues.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Your writing is awesome. I just billed your therapist $50 to say that, so if she raises your rate, sorry. 🤣

I do the same thing with starting something, then postponing it. I don't forget about it, as I fully intend to get back to it one day when all of the other interruptions get out of the way.

I still have my living room and kitchen full of camping gear that was supposed to be moved to the Jeep for a weeklong trip to do some prospecting. That got put on hold while I wait for the VA to send the paperwork for a surgical consult on my knee.

One of my workbenches is set up for jewelry making. I collected or purchased rocks and spent months polishing them to make into jewelry. Then I started watching tutorials on how to do wirewrap jewelry. I made about fifty pieces and gave most of them away as gifts. I haven't made any in the year that I have lived here, but my workbench is covered in polished stones, wire, and all the necessary tools.

I'll get to it one day soon. I hope.

[tammy753]

Your writing is awesome. I just billed your therapist $50 to say that, so if she raises your rate, sorry. 🤣

I do the same thing with starting something, then postponing it. I don't forget about it, as I fully intend to get back to it one day when all of the other interruptions get out of the way.

I still have my living room and kitchen full of camping gear that was supposed to be moved to the Jeep for a weeklong trip to do some prospecting. That got put on hold while I wait for the VA to send the paperwork for a surgical consult on my knee.

One of my workbenches is set up for jewelry making. I collected or purchased rocks and spent months polishing them to make into jewelry. Then I started watching tutorials on how to do wirewrap jewelry. I made about fifty pieces and gave most of them away as gifts. I haven't made any in the year that I have lived here, but my workbench is covered in polished stones, wire, and all the necessary tools.

I'll get to it one day soon. I hope.

Hmmm, so she is bribing you to get me to give her a raise, you say? Well played. She is very sneaky. She asks me about my week and then 10 minutes later we are talking about my childhood trauma, not the snarky comments I make to my coworkers in hopes of getting fired so I get severance.

Yeah, I think we need a new day called "Someday." It will come midweek—we can throw out Wednesday, it's a useless day anyway. We can make all employers pay their staff to do their long-forgotten projects. I would probably take a personal day to avoid doing my own projects, but it's still a solid idea.

If you find gold, will you use that to make jewelry, or will it just sit in the corner until the dust mites take over your house and start a jewelry factory? If you can tame them, they are free labor. They do eat dead skin though, so watch out—they might turn into bloodthirsty vampires and overthrow you.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I love the way you think!

I don't use my gold for jewelry for a number of reasons.

It is just nuggets and flakes and requires being smelted down into pure gold before it can be used for anything.

Gold is very soft. Jewelry-grade gold is not pure gold. It is an alloy to make it more durable.

I have always said that I won't sell my gold until I collect enough to fill a Mason jar. That hasn't happened yet. However, I did sell my gold in South Dakota to pay for a passport, pay off my old Jeep, buy new struts and tires for it, and cover my move to Colorado.

So it was worth starting over.

[Stottie Girl]

Tammy, I have only known you a short while but something has changed in you since you first arrived, I think it might be the change in your meds routine. You make me laugh on here everytime I tune it to your blog!

I'm down with your idea of someday though instead of midweek I think it should be forever next week!🤣

From what you have told me you are making progress on your transition, you have made huge inroads into it. Like me you are just playing the long game is all. Do you keep photographs of yourself from back when you first started? If so I highly recommend taking a butchers at them, I'm betting you have changed loads. I would also encourage you or anyone in fact to keep a measurement log. I have one going back to 2015 when I first started dabbling in HRT. I find it a very validating thing to look back on and see progress.

A girl needs hobbies you should absolutely give writing a go, you have a skill for it. Also give the purses idea a run out too.

I think it comes from being alone but people like me, you and Lori need our hobbies to keep our minds active. I have a full woodworkers workshop and I have made a workbench, 3 wooden spoons and a spice rack ha ha! It's hardly worthy of the setup I have but it's there for when I need it! I also have a full bicycle workshop for building my own cycles,  a full top of the range set of wildlife and landscape photography kits, A massive collection of cookware for baking, breadmaking etc. When something captures my interest I go nuts and then the excitement fades and I find a new hobby. But, I do revisit them eventually so don't throw any of that stuff out. On "someday" you might just be glad you still had it.

[Petunia]

You had me laughing at that post too Tammy.

[tammy753]

You had me laughing at that post too Tammy.

Thanks, I enjoy writing them and I like making people laugh, I am sure there is a pathology there but lets not tell my therapist she doesn't need a second mansion.

Tammy, I have only known you a short while but something has changed in you since you first arrived, I think it might be the change in your meds routine. You make me laugh on here everytime I tune it to your blog!

I'm down with your idea of someday though instead of midweek I think it should be forever next week!🤣

From what you have told me you are making progress on your transition, you have made huge inroads into it. Like me you are just playing the long game is all. Do you keep photographs of yourself from back when you first started? If so I highly recommend taking a butchers at them, I'm betting you have changed loads. I would also encourage you or anyone in fact to keep a measurement log. I have one going back to 2015 when I first started dabbling in HRT. I find it a very validating thing to look back on and see progress.

A girl needs hobbies you should absolutely give writing a go, you have a skill for it. Also give the purses idea a run out too.

I think it comes from being alone but people like me, you and Lori need our hobbies to keep our minds active. I have a full woodworkers workshop and I have made a workbench, 3 wooden spoons and a spice rack ha ha! It's hardly worthy of the setup I have but it's there for when I need it! I also have a full bicycle workshop for building my own cycles,  a full top of the range set of wildlife and landscape photography kits, A massive collection of cookware for baking, breadmaking etc. When something captures my interest I go nuts and then the excitement fades and I find a new hobby. But, I do revisit them eventually so don't throw any of that stuff out. On "someday" you might just be glad you still had it.

So I have these mood swings that you have probably noticed I am happy right now tomorrow who knows I may turn into a monster that likes country music and cowboy boots. So for measurements I don't think I want to know and I would need a team of sherpas to measurement right now. I will get to the those purses someday maybe, I love the idea and it would be fun but I am very busy vegetating on the couch at night.

When My grandfather was around I used to help him build all kinds of things and have built things for my family over the years. I no longer have access to a work shop but some day I will cut down that tree and build the storage in my jeep.

As for writing I briefly thought about writing a book but it would be a little sad filled with stories of counting the  plaster peaks on my ceiling and playing games on my phone to stop my self from rehashing every conversation I have everyday. Don't tell my therapist but the drugs have stopped some of that dwelling on every little detail that I do. Again I can't afford to pay her more so that is between us and he 8 billion people on the planet that can access a public internet connectio...there is a flaw in my plan isn't there. Dang it (I was going to say the F word but that would be wrong I am told. When I ever I sag "Dang it" you all need to know I mean the F word in this context as a sad realization way.).

[Stottie Girl]

See what I mean 🤣🤣

You should give the writing a go. They say everyone has at least 1 good book in them don't they? Yours might be about ceiling plaster peaks, who knows!

Hearing people say Dang it is so amusing to me as a Brit. It's just not something you hear very often! I have to watch what I type all the time, I was a tradesman for 17 years so I have perfected the art of colourful language. I can swear like a drunk sailor when I want to! Not exactly ladylike🤣

[tammy753]

Welp, here we are again. If you are reading this, you should take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask, "What am I doing with my life that I waste time reading Tammy's blog?" Then go get pie instead. Pie solves everything—at least, that was how I was raised. I mean, the borderline diabetes not so much, but... don't take advice from me.

So, I woke up in a silly mode today and realized that the part of me that filters my thoughts has officially quit. I think it was something about me never listening to it. Too much work trying to censor the crazy, long working hours, whatever. Honestly, I wasn't listening.

My boss asked me for this week's accomplishments, and the first thing I said was, "I said the F-word 13% less this week, and I feel like that is personal growth." Not "I did all this important work that needed to be done." Nope. I cursed less. And I am not even sure if that is true.

Luckily, he has a sense of humor and asked, "Is that a KPI we should track?"

After I looked up what that was (because I suck at corporate speak), I said yes. Then I realized I will never be able to maintain that reduction. I followed up with, "Let's not track if I know when there is a serious ask of my manager, or I would get fired." So, as you can see, I am an outstanding employee.

I remember reading books to try and find my creativity before Covid. I felt like I had lost my edge at work. Now I realize this blog is my new creative outlet. So, thanks for indulging me, even though I warned you off. Seriously, you are still reading this? Wow, I thought I made poor decisions.

Anyway, I am enjoying it so much I am toying with the idea of writing a book. I think my title sucks, though: "Agoraphobia and the Lost Transwoman: Emotional Eating and Self-Loathing Included with Purchase."

Time for another perfectly written transition to a new topic. Honestly, you came here, ignored the warning, and expected better?

I think I told you that my brother is in town. He doesn't know I have been writing, but the way I have been talking to people has shifted. Sarah has noticed that. I am both dreading and excited to see him. Usually, he borrows my car when he is in town. I let him drive my Mustang, which you would think is a pretty great deal. But instead of enjoying the car, he decided to weigh in on my interior design choices. Specifically, the 10-foot USB cables I keep in there.

He asked if I was trying to charge my phone from the moon.
I told him the wire didn't bother me, but apparently, according to him, the giant bundle of cord is "annoying when other people are in the car." I asked him why on earth I would let other people in the car. He is one of those weird types that likes people. I think I am adopted, or he was dropped on his head a lot. But because sibling peer pressure is a powerful drug, I folded. I bought 3-foot USB cables from Amazon. But I am going to hide them in the car. Then, when he complains, I will reach in and say, "They're right here, why didn't you use them?"

I also had to deal with Amazon delivery drivers delivering my packages to Australia instead of my apartment. I complained like a total Karen that I want a new delivery driver if they can't manage to read the address—and the globe. I was such a whiny Karen that they gave me a $20 credit and a full refund. So, I guess being a terrible person worked out.

Honestly, I had to do it. I don't want to play "Where's Waldo" with my neighbors just to find my package of canned sausage gravy. They really don't need to know that I eat sausage-flavored goo out of a can that is between me and my very angry colon.

So, there it is. Another installment of You Make Bad Choices. You made it to the end, proving you can't take a warning. Seriously, you are still reading?

Since you obviously are still waiting for me to make a point, I will leave you with this description of the concentration issues Lexapro was causing me:
It's like being strapped into a Tilt-A-Whirl that is rocketing through Las Vegas at midnight, and every time you start to form a thought, it's ripped away like an overly sticky Band-Aid.

That's it. No profound thought—not sure I can have those. No open-ended question that drives conversations. Just a reminder: pickles are still gross, and Jeeps are awesome! And talk to your therapist about your inability to take warnings seriously.

[Petunia]

Tammy, I read it all and loved it.

Why? You aren't the only person who doesn't always think in straight lines.

I often think why can't the simple things in life just be simple?

You have given me pause to think about agoraphobia.

In my teens and through to my early forties I did everything I possibly could to avoid go out in social situations. I know it's not the same thing, but there was something in me that prevented me from going places with a lot of people. It didn't matter if it was with friends or not.

I probably haven't gotten past that feeling but I'm not as bad as I was. My way of dealing with it is no longer loading up on alcohol.

I enjoy reading everybodies experiences and yours have a big slice of entertainment in there when you feel more exhuberent.

I hope things go well with your brother. I know you can see some steps in front of you that you are looking at taking.

From your description of your brother he seems like a nice guy. I hope he reacts well but you never know until you have a go

[tammy753]

Tammy, I read it all and loved it.

Why? You aren't the only person who doesn't always think in straight lines.

I often think why can't the simple things in life just be simple?

You have given me pause to think about agoraphobia.

In my teens and through to my early forties I did everything I possibly could to avoid go out in social situations. I know it's not the same thing, but there was something in me that prevented me from going places with a lot of people. It didn't matter if it was with friends or not.

I probably haven't gotten past that feeling but I'm not as bad as I was. My way of dealing with it is no longer loading up on alcohol.

I enjoy reading everybodies experiences and yours have a big slice of entertainment in there when you feel more exhuberent.

I hope things go well with your brother. I know you can see some steps in front of you that you are looking at taking.

From your description of your brother he seems like a nice guy. I hope he reacts well but you never know until you have a go

He is a great person if a little selfish, he is the first born and I think he still holds a little grudge that me and my sister were born. I get it some days I am annoyed too but that is what therapy is for.

You are describing my childhood perfectly I never wanted to go to Restaurants or stores. When I was younger and could stay up all night I would go to the store at 4 AM to avoid running into people. I think COVID pushed me over the edge into Agoraphobia. I wasn't forced into the world anymore and now I can't deal with it.

I never was a drinker the smell of alcohol reminds me of the Ice Tea my grandmother would leave in the Friday for a week and you didn't know it was that old and took a big swig. They you would spring like a track and field star to the sink and spit it out and then rinse your mouth out for 45 minutes. Honestly if you want your kids not to drink this worked for me.

[Petunia]

I found covid to be ok. We were required to go to work, but outside of work we were supposed to stay away from other people. 

Cool.

I discovered alcohol in my late teens. I never knew how to talk to people or how to behave in groups, so I took on a personna of the most gonzo stories I heard from other people.

It was the easist way to get through life.

When I felt I was drinking too much, I simply retreated inside myself and isolated for weeks at a time, work aside.

Even at work, I never really mixed like other people do. I'd get my jobs for the day and immediately grab my gear and head off leaving everyone else to chitchat.

I wanted to get my jobs done and get out.

Never went to any work gatherings outside of work either, well not until I'd been their for 35 or so years.

I think I now know part of the problem.😀

[Stottie Girl]

🤣🤣🤣

Well done getting £20 off Jeff Bezoz! please tell me they sent you a photo of someone in Australia's front door as proof of delivery ha ha! That is such an almighty cock up I would have pushed for a trip on his giant dick rocket for that one ha ha! hmmm, perhaps I haven't phrased that well!

Have you decided whether you will tell your brother yet? He sounds pretty cool to me, he might surprise you. You sound a lot happier, he will probably see that in you.

I still think your meds need adjusting, pickles are awesome!

mmmm pies! I could murder a steak and ale pie right about now.

[Petunia]

I can send you a picture of an almighty cock up in an Australian door front

[Petunia]

I can send you a picture of an almighty cock up in an Australian door front

Oops, I should have been a bit more circumspect with that comment.
Mods, I meant it as a stuff up in case it's lost in interpretation

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

  @tammy753
Dear Tammy:
I have to ask you.... is your boss keeping a KPI score on you?  Has your score been going up, hopefully?

Another question I have:  Why are the Amazon delivery drivers delivering your packages to Australia???
That is a long way off course... halfway around the world.  Good for you that you complained and
got a $20 credit and a refund too.  Sometimes complaining works... that will certainly boost your KPI score.
By the way: I also like canned sausage gravy, the more the better, but of course I like gravy on my
various foods and meals, lots of gravy please.

When you publish your book, let me know so that I can purchase a copy; 
  "Agoraphobia and the Lost Transwoman: Emotional Eating and Self-Loathing Included with Purchase."

Your brother should be pleased that you are permitting him to drive your Mustang...  are there good
things that you appreciate your bother for when he comes to visit?  Gassing up your car?  Buying groceries,
washing dishes, mowing your lawn, etc?
Regarding your charging cords in your car, that is your business, not his... and did you tell him that he
could have his friends in your car when he borrows it? ... or did he neglect to ask you?

OK now, I have read your repeated warning regard you Blog Thread... and I sill am self-compelled to read
it... does that make me weird?  By the way, I like pickles and I like Jeeps however I own a SUV and a pickup truck, both 4 wheel drive, very handy for the severe weather where I live.

I will be eagerly looking for and reading the next installment of your Blog... I am hooked.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  Forum Administrator

[Stottie Girl]

quote author=Petunia link=msg=2352107 date=1787953875]
I can send you a picture of an almighty cock up in an Australian door front

a link=msg=2352108 date=1787953947]
Oops, I should have been a bit more circumspect with that comment.


[/quote] Ha ha! Cheeky! Good job I'm not easily shocked or offended lol!

And for the record, please god don't send me one ha ha!

[tammy753]

Another question I have:  Why are the Amazon delivery drivers delivering your packages to Australia???...

I should have been clearer—when I said Australia, I meant the apartment building next door. But for someone like me, it might as well be Australia. Also, who doesn't love a canned goo that makes a plop sound as it exits the can in the exact same shape it was confined in for a year? Add in some buttermilk biscuits and you have the perfect recipe to avoid getting old enough to need diapers.

Your brother should be pleased that you are permitting him to drive your Mustang...

No, I don't care if he has people in the car. I have actually been thinking about selling it; the cost to put gas in it is so high I never drive it, and my Jeep fits my needs better. It makes me feel safe. When you have agoraphobia, you are always looking for escape routes, and my Jeep can just about go anywhere. Curbs are a mere suggestion. I have never needed to force my way out of a situation, but I find it comforting that I can just take off when needed.

OK now, I have read your repeated warning regard you Blog Thread... and I sill am self-compelled to read it... does that make me weird?

Yes, but that is okay. I think you said you have a therapist, so this will just give you something new to talk about with them. You can explain that you are willingly communicating with a crazy person on the internet, and then they can make you cry like mine does me. I think I saw a plaque on her wall that said "Sponsored by Kleenex" or something like that. Not sure.

Thanks for making a bad decision and reading my posts. I know you will grow to regret it, and that is something to be celebrated.

[tammy753]

Have you decided whether you will tell your brother yet? He sounds pretty cool to me, he might surprise you. You sound a lot happier, he will probably see that in you.

No, I haven't. I have to do my corporate homework of a 4-quadrant chart pro/con thing. I swear I never wanted to do reports for a living, and here I am prepping a presentation for a meeting and paying for the privilege. I know it will help, but I just can't stop laughing at the idea of having avoided doing this kind of work for my entire career and paying someone to tell me to do it. I am leaning toward no, but I also just want to get it over with so... no idea right now. WOW, I could have just said "I don't know." One thing I am not is concise.

I still think your meds need adjusting, pickles are awesome!

I keep thinking we were separated at birth, and then you point out we aren't even close to being related.

[Petunia]

I got your meaning Tammy but it was more fun to run with it.🤣