I feel like my life is always in transition- always changing. I look back at my old posts and vividly remember what it felt like to dream about being the person I am today. Testosterone, top surgery, hysterectomy, a beard- all of those things felt like mere dreams when I was 14. At 26, I have lived these things, and I know them well. Recently, though, I have decided to step into the next step of my transition: metoidioplasty. I am terrified and excited all at once.
Right now, I am waiting for my surgery date. I have done a consultation and met with my surgeon to discuss my goals for surgery. I got the letters, things have been confirmed with my insurance, and so now I am just waiting on the surgeon to give me a date. The wait has been agonizing- and on top of it, my surgeon is currently out on vacation, so I won't be hearing back until sometime next week or later this month. I had not expected my dysphoria to increase as I got closer to the next step in my transition- but it really, really, has. I find myself daydreaming about what my body will be like afterwards- what it will be like to finally have anatomy that feels more like myself. I am excited. With any luck, I should be getting my first stage done sometime in September or October.
I have a list written out with all of the post-op supplies I may need. I remember freaking out a little bit when making the list, because it made the possibility of surgery finally seem like something real. I have been dreaming about being in this place for a very long time, and I can't believe I am here. I am hoping to share my journey through this process here, so that others can learn from it- and also so I can talk about everything going on.
The process of getting bottom surgery feels lonely. I do not have many other trans friends who are currently thinking about undergoing this specific procedure, and there is not much in the form of support groups. I am also pretty introverted, and find it hard to share in a new group sometimes. I am hoping that by writing things out here, I will feel a little less alone. I also anticipate I will be unable to do much physically during the healing process, and am looking forward to writing more about my experience throughout this process.
My partner who is also trans, had recently asked me what we do after we finish our transitions. I find myself wondering the same thing sometimes, because a lot of my life has been centered around prioritizing my transition- in some ways, it is hard to imagine a life with no more transition goals. That being said, I will be happy to have the extra headspace freed up- thinking about surgeries and HRT and all that takes up so much energy. When the time came for me to answer his question, I simply replied 'We live.' WE LIVE!!! After all of these transition goals are checked off, I plan on living my life as fully as possible. But living life fully seems like a transition too, because I am always learning new things about myself. For me personally, I tend to think of life as one big transition up until the day we die, and then our bones and spirits transition into something new, or something else. Until that day, I will just be going through all of life's transitions. I am excited to live in the body I have always dreamed about. I am excited to have a small bulge in my bathing suit, to be able to pee standing up, and to have anatomy that fits the desires of my soul. Even the sweat marks left behind on my chairs will be more affirming- I truly can't wait.
It is a long road until then, full of all kinds of challenges. I am nervous about the catheter- I remember having one in for my hysto and it was awful. I try not to worry too much about complications because any of the risks are worth the possible outcome for me. I am not sure what it will be like to look at my anatomy all swelled up and angry. This feels like a whole different animal compared to my last surgeries, and I truly cannot imagine what any of this is going to be like.
I am excited to share the euphoria and challenges as I navigate this part of my journey. I am also excited to read and connect with the journeys of others. I will be updating you all on my progress as it evolves. For now, I am just waiting- and telling the dysphoria that things will be better soon.
