Thank you so much to everyone that sent such a lovely and thoughtful reply! I truly appreciate everyone, and I am excited to share my story with you all. I am sorry I did not respond to everyone individually, I had intended to reply to everyone, but time got away from me, and then I felt silly for replying so late. That being said I am so excited to share this journey with all of you. I have learned so much from everyone here, and so it is an honor to be able to share my life with you all. I often find myself wishing to see more transmasculine voices here as well, but have never felt uncomfortable sharing myself in this space, and even if our transitions do not include the same steps, I have learned so much from the strong women on this forum. Lately, it seems like there is a lot of division in the trans community, it is not something I see very often here, but in other social media spaces- and even some local community spaces, the division is noticeable and painful. I know that this type of division has always been around, but it seems more pronounced these days. The division between the masculine and feminine realms of existence always has felt kind of silly to me- perhaps it is because my own gender is not as binary as it was when I first came out- I consider myself a nonbinary masculine person, mostly because I do not feel as though my gender can be neatly placed in one category. When I first came out, I went on a whole journey of trying to be 'man enough' (whatever that means) and because I was so young, that process looked like becoming as stereotypically masculine as possible. I was wearing camo, and trying to talk about girls in the same misogynistic ways my peers did, and I started trying to turn my emotions off, and making myself colder because I thought I would be stronger and happier- I was not, and I could not understand why. So much of my view of what a man should be was something that was fed to me by society, and the men that are lifted up in our society do not always end up being the kindest folks because the masculinity our society knows is so often violent. It took a lot of working on myself and learning to become comfortable with myself as I was, to be able to even acknowledge the softer parts of myself- all of those things that they tell you make you less of a man for engaging with- like crying, art, empathy, and softness, compassion, etc.. And these things are always labeled as feminine, but I think that they are healthy qualities for any individual to have. A large part of why I now identify as nonbinary is because so many of our ideas about what makes a man or what makes a woman, are created by our societies to divide us. I think masculine and feminine are beautiful parts of the same whole, and that most folks have qualities that can't be evenly separated into one category or another. I also think that the only person who has any right to decide your gender is YOU. Men, women, and nonbinary folks come in all shapes, sizes, presentations, and personalities. In this way, passing has always been confusing to me, as passing is almost always rooted in the ways others see and view us, and not in our own identities or desires for ourselves. This is not to say that folks should not have their own personal transition goals, or their own ideas of what may be most affirming in terms of gender presentation, as I know everyone has goals for their own journeys- I simply think that passing is usually decided by the way others react to us, and not how good we feel in our own bodies. For example, I have had the experience of feeling incredibly handsome, only to find myself misgendered later in that same day. Am I less of a man because someone else told me I did not look like one? NO! That is simply their opinion of me, but if I FEEL handsome, I should be allowed that joy, instead of having someone tell me that I am not their version of what a man should be. After all, what makes a man, woman, or anything in between, is simply a matter of opinion. It hurts my heart that so many folks here have declared their identity and have had it disrespected. If someone tells me what their gender is, I simply believe it. I have never felt the need to tell someone that they do not look man enough, or woman enough, or nonbinary enough. I hope that all of us are able to walk through our lives with the respect and kindness we deserve. Passing only matters because our society seems to have a genuine hatred for people who are not easily placed in one category, and so then it becomes a matter of safety, because not being able to blend in puts us in danger. This is not an issue with the way we look or who we are, this is an issue with the world being unkind. I have had the bittersweet experience of not fitting neatly into gender norms regardless of my transition. Pre-transition I was never 'woman' enough- I got bullied for being ugly and overweight, and despite not being out of the closet, I was bullied for being queer. When I came out as a trans man, I was not man enough- I was excluded from masculine social groups and gatherings, and found myself being too soft to fit in. Somewhere a long the way I came out as nonbinairy, because honestly, I am always getting clocked for being some kind of queer. I figured that it didn't matter to me anymore, that my gender identity was mine to decide and that my body was mine to decorate or affirm however I wished. These days my gender feels like paint and my body is the canvass, and I just do what makes me feel most beautiful and most comfortable. The people I choose to keep close see me for who I am, and they don't question my masculinity or make fun of me for my femininity. I am simply Ozzie, and they love me for it. You will find people that see the real you beneath it all, and that is the ultimate form of passing for me. I know everyone has a different experience, and I know that being visibly trans is definitely a risk and in many cases, a danger. But I don't think you have to pass to be the gender you desire, and I think you can be a woman, man, or anything in between without needing to fit into the stereotypes and boxes they push upon us. The problem has never been with us or the way we look, but the norms, boxes, and roles they put us in. I think sometimes that cisgender people find themselves insecure about their own gender identities or appearance, and choose to make trans people feel awful simply because it makes them feel better about those insecurities to take it out on someone else, and I think sometimes trans people do that same kind of thing to each other. These days if someone has something to say, I can ignore it more easily because I know who I am. At the end of the day, if you are calling out my queerness or trying to decode my gender, it's probably because you see parts of yourself reflected in me that you have not yet unpacked, and that is, respectfully, not my problem. Anyway, I wish those of you who wish to move through life without the resistance of outside input get that peace, you deserve to feel just like any other man or woman or non-gender conforming individual you are. The unfortunate thing about the fabricated boxes of society, is that they are all made up concepts with very real and harmful consequences. May we all be able to be who we are safely, comfortably, and surrounded by love. I started my transition with the goal of being a stealth man, and somehow ended up becoming someone VERY nonbinary with a heavy masculine influence, and so for me- being fully connected with my gender means being okay with not passing. I will never be a man or a woman, because I do not feel like either one fits all the pieces of myself. Femininity and masculinity bleed together in a way for me that feels like freedom, to separate the two feels restricting for me. I have aspects of both, and I love being a mix of things that can't quite be separated or neatly placed in a box. To many folks, I am cis passing as male, and I still get some pretty nasty comments out on the streets- and I think that is because society hates anything they can't label or understand, and I know now that is not my fault, nor does it mean I am not masculine enough. I just am not everyone's cuppa tea and that is okay! It took me forever to reach this point, and I remember realizing that my gender was NOT binary and having a true crisis about it- because I realized being myself in public spaces is a true risk. I realized that not passing- both emotionally and physically, was the space in which I felt the most free. Being stealth has never felt like an option for me, and although many things have changed throughout my journey, the feeling of knowing I will never neatly fit into a box has always been a constant. I was raised by a lot of strong women, I have been able to heal because of soft men, and nonbinary folks paved a path for me to know that my life is still worth living- even if my gender seems abstract to others. That said, not passing should never be grounds for the hatred and violence we all are exposed to. These gender boxes, and rigid ideas of what we should be keep us from connecting with ourselves and others, and they are used as grounds to excuse our value as living beings. It is easier for them to cover up the gross violence experienced by the trans community if they do not see us as human. It is easier for them to pick us apart in all of our separate groups than it is for them to attack us as a united community. They kill our sisters, brothers, siblings, and lovers while we argue about the best ways to pass- the best ways to make ourselves digestible for cisgender eyes. While we decide who is and isn't trans enough to be taken seriously enough, we loose so many folks who should still be here. It is heartbreaking. I love this space because I get to hear so many experiences from so many people, and we all get to learn from each other. I love learning more about transfeminine transition steps and goals, because it helps me to better support the women and feminine identifying folks in my community- but it really is hard to learn about the transition opportunities out there for others because this information is intentionally hard to find. I am excited to provide a window into my experience with bottom surgery, just as so many others here have offered a window into their own journeys. I hope that it is helpful, and that me being open about my transition helps bring us closer together- even just a little bit.
My apologies for such a long paragraph- but it really just hurts my heart that so many of us just want to live life like everyone else, like 'normal' people when we ARE normal people. We deserve the right to a life with respect and kindness regardless of how we look. I despise how we are asked to fit neatly into gender norms just for our identities to be respected- that we cannot say we are trans (if we want to) for fear of violence. That even just being yourself when you don't look a certain way means you could be hurt. It sucks. You are woman enough, you are man enough, you are nonbinary enough, you are human enough, and we all deserve to feel love and have our genders respected. I am so very sorry that so many of us must experience such pain. It is one thing to know who you are, but to have someone tell you how or who you should be is not right. A huge part of deciding what bottom surgery procedure was right for me was deciphering the pieces of my dysphoria that came from my own need to have my body be affirmed in the ways I personally desired, and which pieces of my dysphoria/discomfort came from other people that telling me that my body was not man enough/desirable. I had the experience of being dumped or ghosted just because of my genitalia- I had folks leave because they said they missed the 'real' thing. It hurt- it made me hate myself and my body. It made me feel like my masculinity was broken. I had to dig through it all just to find my own voice.
I don't consider myself openly or visibly trans, mostly because I do not disclose it unless someone asks, or unless I am in a space that I know is safe. Mostly because I used to be really open about it, and then experienced issues at work and in public spaces- but that is mostly because of my own concern for my safety- not because I wish to not be trans. I feel different than a number of trans folks in that way, I don't hate who I used to be nor do I wish I was born cis. Sure, it probably would have been easier and less painful, but my transness continues to be something that teaches me how to love myself better and how to listen to my own needs- my own voice- even when others can't hear me or witness me for who I am. My transness has made me gentler and kinder towards the things that are misunderstood and unloved because of it- because I know what that experience feels like. In fact, I started being nicer to bugs because of my transness. I saw the ways people fled from spiders and bugs and even reptiles, and saw my own experiences in that fear. I saw the way people would kill creatures they didn't like to look at or understand without even thinking about it- and thought of all the trans folks that are no longer here because of that reaction. I actually had a bug/spider phobia my entire life, and recently I just adopted a tarantula that was looking for a home. I won't lie and say that I have always felt this way: as a kid, before I wrote my very first post on here, I would go to sleep wishing I could be anyone- anything else. I cried about it nightly- with so much fear in my heart about the future. But honestly, my transness has allowed me to conquer my own fears and to live my life with love for all living things at the center, I would not trade it for the world. I don't think I would be able to speak up for myself and fight for my own needs so fiercely if I was not trans. I would not be able to connect with the world around me and the people in my life so deeply if I was not trans. Even the gay bars and places I go in public would be just a little less sparkly and vibrant without me around. Before my transition, I believed the world would be a better place without me in it- now I know that is not true. I am a strong and kind man- with a lovely dose of the type gentleness and femininity that makes legendary, squish-able, and huggable grandmothers. I am happily masculine, feminine, and something in between all at the same time- and I am happier for it. It is my dream that one day, the goal for those of us who walk through transition is simply to be who we are, and for us to seek the presentations and procedures (if desired) that will get us there. That passing is a calmness and joy you feel within, as opposed to something that is decided by the way others view and see you. If someone cannot see who you truly are, or sees it and refuses to respect it, they do not deserve you. Your transition belongs to you- no one else. That means you should be able to share it or hide it as much as you want and still be safe- I am so sorry that this is not yet a reality. I just think it is a powerful thing to be trans in a world that is always telling you what you should be. There is power in knowing who you are- binary or not- and the system that is killing us depends on you forgetting that.
Anyway, I hope to be able to send more individual and personal replies in the future as I begin to have more time- sometimes I am just really bad at replying on time. I really enjoy talking to all of you. Thank you to everyone that has been reading along, and to everyone that has taken the time to write such wonderful and thoughtful replies. So much love to you all!
