Although my dad already knows that I hate being a girl, he's missing a lot of info. So I wrote this email to him. I will have him forward it to my mom. Please read it and leave any comments or suggestions that you have. I will send the letter in a few days, after reviewing some comments. Today is Feb. 14, 2008. Thanks for all your help.
(I put the letter in italics. Sorry it's so long.
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Dad, I wanted to tell you what I think is wrong with me. As you already know, I want to be a boy and I detest being a girl. This is the fact that I dread most, and think of all the time. I'm almost afraid to go to school nowadays, just because of someone there, and because of the condition I am in. My problem only gets worse over time, simply meaning that my thoughts become more overwhelmed by it with each passing day. It started about 2 years ago, at that time only being a tiny thought in my mind. Back then, I just figured I was a tomboy and gave up trying to be girly. Over time, it grew, until I realized that it wasn't just that fact that I wasn't as girly as other girls my age, but that I wasn't even really a girl in mind at all. It became more and more important, and now, the only thing that holds any girly possession at all about me is my body. That is why I lack interest in taking care of myself; because I feel that this body has betrayed me and chained me down, trying to make me be something I'm not. What I believe myself to be is a Female-to-Male Transsexual. This is hard for me to believe, and I'm sure it is for you too. I haven't really figured out my sexual orientation just yet, so I'm still waiting to find out how bad this really is. Although I admit I could just be going through a stage, I highly doubt it at this point.
You have no idea how hard it is to write this letter to you. And it will be even harder for me to press the send button. But I will do it, because I want you to know who I really am. Or, at least, who I perceive myself to be.
I also feel I must tell you about (boy at school). He is a boy at school that I have mixed feelings about. I don't believe that I am in love with him, but this might be the case. I believe myself to be jealous of him, because he seems so lucky compared to me. I know that my life isn't as bad as others' lives, but I feel there is no safe place for me, especially now, on Valentine's Day, with you and (step-mom) fighting outside my door. There is stress at home and at school, and that is why I take comfort in my dreams. I am not prone to nightmares, but I want to master lucid dreaming so that I can have a world of my own in my head that no one can mess up or destroy. A place where I'm in charge of every choice I make, and if I make a bad choice, I can turn back time and do it over.
But anyway, I'm getting off topic. I just met (same boy at school), but there is something about him; a certain look in his eyes, almost as though he already knows everything about me, and will except me completely for who I am. Though I won't place such a secret in the hands of other kids at school. It's not that I don't trust them, but more that if one person knows, the whole school will know eventually. And I don't want to find out what that leads to. I've told (sister) and mom about him, and (sister) suggests that he likes me because of the fact that he randomly said hi to me once, and knew my name before we even formally met.
Right now, I am so overwhelmed by the happenings of my life, that I am beginning to scare myself with my thoughts. This is where I detest (sister). She steals the spotlight with fake drama, while behind her, I'm bleeding, and no one is there to save me. I need help, but I'm not seen in her shadow.
I can't think of anything else to say, except that I know how hard it will be for you to except it, and I hope that you will come to see the boy I really am.
Love,
Your trapped son.
