Genitals - To Hate or Not To Hate?

[DebbySoufflage]

This might get tmi but I'll try my best to keep it clean. It's not my forte.

I used to loathe my vagina throughout most of my life until I finally came to peace with her last year. Up until that point I couldn't stand looking at it, touch it or put anything inside. However, since I once liked penetration in my late teens, I kept trying to enjoy that again and again, but to no avail. It just made me hate it even more.  My dysphoria was always fluctuating between bad and horrible with no good days, it was... nauseating. I was planning on getting ftm srs (meta, hysto, v-ectomy) during 2017, when I had just had thouroughly enough of it, after having been on and off about srs for about 7 years since coming out as ftm and learned about the options.

But as luck and fate would have it (okay, it was the surgeon's unreasonably long waiting list) those surgeries never happened. Cause about a year later, how I felt about my genitals changed, after I had decided to give them one final, last chance. Over a 2 months long time period I exposed myself to my genital dysphoria daily (with lots of self care), and treated my bad case of vaginal atrophy with topical estrogen and dilation, which eventually paid off. And oh my goodness, it paid off so well!

By then I no longer wanted any kind of srs. I became very protective of my vagina and I began to love it. And ever since then I've loved it, although it of course still has its annoying quirks. Especially since I went of T in my detransition and the (not so) monthly red alert is back again. And it brought cramps as well! But over all I've never enjoyed my own genitals this much before in my entire life, it's truly liberating and they're easily my favourite part of my body now, instead of my most hated.

As for my gender... honestly my newfound love for my genitals became such a drastic turn of events that it was what made me eventually want to detransition, as I quite unexpectedly (and both literally and figuratively) found a very direct canal to my own deeply buried and atrophied womanhood. But also, despite being openly detransitioning, I've come to understand that I don't truly regret having transitioned. I just re-identified, changed my style, and want my tits back. So I regret top surgery but I don't regret T although I wish I had taken it with the knowledge of myself that I have now.

My body is quite a puzzle of "this and that" gender-wise now, but I like it. To me my deep voice, facial hair, extra body hair, etc blend in so well together with my vagina, curvy body shape and small frame. My additional male traits look and feel so real and natural, it's as if I always had them somehow. I most definitely became attached to them. They're very comforting to me, both the parts I was born with and what T gave me. And like I wouldn't be me, or this comfortable, without all of that at once. The only thing on my body that feels and looks out of place to me, is my flat chest. That's my only source of dysphoria now, that I couldn't heal away. Perhaps that grief dug too deep. I can look at it, and touch it when I have to for showering and such, and go swimming without my breast forms, but I don't like the flat surface and I still feel that mental trauma in my lack of breasts. I really wouldn't mind having hairy tits after my reconstruction, but I dunno if my extra body hair will stick around much longer now without the T. I actually hope it will though.

I wasn't ever a trans man, I was always a woman; I just hated being one. Now I love being a woman and I love most of my androgynous body. I seem to be caught somewhere between cis and trans. Not really trans cause of being an afab woman, but not really cis either cause I'm quite happily transitioned with my male traits. The closest label I can find for myself these days is "dysphoric woman" which I'm pretty sure I snatched from radfem terminology.

But as I no longer pass as female irl, no matter how I dress, the treasure in my panties hides alongside my true gender.

You manage to deal with these hardships in a very admireable way, SeptagonScars .
I hope you find some peace and happiness.
Do you really need a label for who you are? Maybe you are just SeptagonScars and maybe that doesn't need any further explanation.
If you really need a label, would one of the non-binary genders fit your feelings?

Luv,
Debby

[cassiebythesea]

My genitals are pretty much the main source of my dysphoria. Even before I knew I was trans, I always hated it and always wanted it gone. Nothing quite ruins my day more than starting off with morning wood. Instant mood killer for me.

I'm working my way right now toward HRT, with the sincere hope that it'll help tone down the erections to the point where I don't have something unpleasant "pop up" every morning on me.

And I dream of the way when I can get SRS, which I've found to be the absolute most difficult thing to explain to my cis male friends.

[Linde]

My genitals are pretty much the main source of my dysphoria. Even before I knew I was trans, I always hated it and always wanted it gone. Nothing quite ruins my day more than starting off with morning wood. Instant mood killer for me.

I'm working my way right now toward HRT, with the sincere hope that it'll help tone down the erections to the point where I don't have something unpleasant "pop up" every morning on me.

And I dream of the way when I can get SRS, which I've found to be the absolute most difficult thing to explain to my cis male friends.

That should find a rather quick end, once you are on testosterone blockers (but any erection will be hard to get),  Once you have the testes removed, erections should be something of the past!

[SeptagonScars]

You manage to deal with these hardships in a very admireable way, SeptagonScars .
I hope you find some peace and happiness.
Do you really need a label for who you are? Maybe you are just SeptagonScars and maybe that doesn't need any further explanation.
If you really need a label, would one of the non-binary genders fit your feelings?

Luv,
Debby

Thank you, it's been an intense year, figuring those things out and dealing with them hands on.

Well, I really wish I could "just be me" without any labels, but I just keep stumbling on my words and being totally misunderstood by 99,9% of people irl. Cause I don't have the language to explain what I am, and I don't feel good about that I'm by default being perceived as something I am not, which requires explanation to clear up. And I think maybe a label would help me communicate my situation better. Like imagine you didn't have the word "internet" in your vocabulary and could only ever rely on explaining what internet is (without using the word internet) every time you needed to talk about it. Then you too might have wanted a simple term for what you're trying to describe to others. Cause all that explaining might get exhausting after a while. Especially when they always ask you if the things you describe are actually accurate or if it's in fact telephones or libraries that you're talking about. And maybe you're not even entirely sure exactly how internet works, which makes it even harder to explain.

People don't ever even ask me if I'm a man or a woman. I don't think they dare to? Cause only one person has asked that since my detransing and it was a drunk old man at a bus stop. Everyone else just straight up assumes something I'm not and I only notice by the hints they give me and how most avoid using any pronouns for me at all. Like I'm going to an lgbt cafe in my area where everyone is nice and it's both lgbt people and allies going there. I've gone there since September last year but still haven't managed to tell them anything about my gender situation. Because I don't know how to but really want to.

As a result of my incapability to communicate, my very visible gender situation has become something like a mysterious secret that every new person I meet is walking on eggshells around. Like no one is talking about it but everyone knows, and like it's "hush-hush don't offend her/him." That's not a nice situation to be the centre of attention of and it's kinda suffocating me, but I don't know how to sort it out. Cause I know that usually just talking to people will lighten such tensions... but not if what I can say will only cause more confusion. So yeah, it kinda does need further explanation than just my name, cause that "mysterious secret hidden in plain sight" that is my constantly misinterpreted (and probably "shocking") gender situation is stifling my social life, and my confidence. Cause I don't like being treated like I'm made of glass and like a single "wrong" word would shatter me.

I dunno, it's possible I'm nonbinary if I just look at my dysphoria and how I want my body to be, and that I see my mind/personality as highly androgynous, but genderwise I choose to go by my bio sex regardless of what my gender actually is. Seems most nonbinary labels are very focused on the gender and the abstract, while I'm more focused on the physical/bodily and the tangible. But I'm looking into it. Like I could be nb but just not focused on my gender, just my expression, transition, dysphoria and euphoria.

Sorry for the long rant of a reply! Just wanted to explain why I feel I need a label, and... ironically that was a little difficult!

[Chloe]

I like mine.  I know how to use it.  My wife likes it.  In a practical way . . . removing it would not make sense. 

Love it! Used to look forward to Nero's OFF-THE-WALL questions!

       I'm with you @Bea1968! If it's a woman what can a lesbian do that I cannot? I mean I certainly wouldn't seek one out in the first place but if it's "a man"? Chances are he'd be "gay" so genital dysphoria is the least of my problems!

       While not a big fan of WPATH or "the medical establishment" I'd be a firm supporter of longer waiting periods for those requesting permanent surgeries such as GRS there's soo many other advances, medicinal and otherwise, that would be just as confirming to us as women in the meantime.

       While controversial (for seemingly obvious reasons?) there's an old article by Scientific American entitled "The Third Gender" that, among other things, attempts to explain the multi-faceted sociological diversities inherent within transgender attitudes worldwide. On a very basic, visceral level I really don't view us as being a "unified community" at all as Susan's Place so aptly demonstrates every day.

Former "Annwyn" if your still "lurking" here plz send me a PM!

[Victoria L.]

It's very hard to pin down my feelings. "It" is something I don't even like to acknowledge. I don't like having "it", I just like to not think about it. However, what triggers my genital dysphoria is pretty random. Probably the worst is if I end up seeing myself in the mirror, that's when I'm most like "That doesn't belong there". When wearing clothes, I also wish it were gone. When going to the bathroom, I really wish it were gone (I stopped standing a very long time ago, but even when sitting it still gets in the way, doesn't work like I want it to, and still has to be touched sometimes UGH).

BUT not to self harm levels. I've never been anywhere near mutilating myself, but I wouldn't be sad at all if something happened and it were gone. As I said earlier, it's complicated for me. I'm not sure how deep my genital dysphoria really is. I am dysphoric, but it seems to come and go in intensity. I'm still trying to sort out my feelings on this matter. One thing's for certain, though - if I could just snap a finger and have the right genitalia, I would do that without even a second thought.