>
>
> Hair Removal....
>
> This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A
> HOOT!)
>
> All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
> painless removal -
>
> The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
>
> Read on......
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
> play with the kids.
>
> I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
> few hours:
>
> 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
>
> So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
> 'cold wax' kits.
>
> No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
> hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg
> (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
>
> No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
>
> I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
> figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
>
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
> stuck together.
>
> Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
> hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I
> lay the strip across my thigh.
>
> Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
>
> OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
>
> Hair removal no longer eludes me!
>
> I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
> extraordinaire.
>
> With my next wax strip I move north.
>
> After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
> ultimate hair fighting championship.
>
> I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
>
> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
> my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down
> to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
>
> I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
>
> I'm blind!!!
>
> Blinded from pain!!!!....
>
> OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
>
> Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
> strip. CRAP!
>
> Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
>
> I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
>
> Do I hear crashing drums???
>
> Breathe, breathe............
>
> OK, back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy -
>
> a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my
> hairy pelt sticking to it.
>
> I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
>
> I hold up the strip!
>
> There's no hair on it.
>
> Where is the hair???
>
> WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
>
> I see the hair.
> The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
>
> I touch.
>
> I am touching wax.
>
> I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
> covered in cold wax and matted hair.
>
> Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped
> upon the toilet?
>
> I know I need to do something.
>
> So I put my foot down.
>
> Sealed shut!
>
> My butt is sealed shut.
>
> Sealed shut!
>
> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
> think to myself
>
> 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
>
> What can I do to melt the wax?
>
> Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
>
> I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
> the wax-covered bits and the wax should
>
> melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
>
> *WRONG!!!!!!!*
>
> I get in the tub -
>
> The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war
> or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
>
> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
> together,
>
> is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
> tub...in scalding hot water.
>
> Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
>
> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
> myself to the porcelain!!
> God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
> put in the bathroom!!!!!
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
> secret of how to get me undone.
>
> It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
> together to the bottom of the tub!'
>
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
> but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
>
> She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking
> cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
>
> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
>
> I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of
> the box.
>
> YEAH!!!!! Right!!
>
> I should be the joke of someone else's night.
>
> While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
> wax off with a razor .
>
> Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
> wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
> dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
>
> By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
> pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
> event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
>
> What do I really have to lose at this point?
>
> I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
>
> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
> friend.
>
> It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
>
> 'IT WORKS!!
>
> It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
> up.
>
> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
> grief and despair....
>
> THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
>
> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
>
> I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color......
