coming out when you have kids?

[sneakersjay]

I'm ftm attracted to men so it's been not a huge deal to play the straight woman.  I have 2 kids who I adore.

How do you come out when you have kids?  I don't want to stress them or embarrass them.  this is all still kind of new to me so I won't be doing any thing rash but still when the time comes, how do you do it??

Jay

[Constance]

Both my kids (currently 19 and 16) know that I'm bisexual. They didn't freak, and I think the singing duo t.A.T.u. had something to do with it. We were listening to their CD while on a road trip when I told them.

Having only recently come to grips with being an androgyne, I haven't told them yet. Likewise, they know nothing of my cross-dressing. The main reason is that I'm not really in any kind of transition...yet. I'll have to wait and see.

How old are your kids? If they're old enough, and/or mature enough, I'd recommend "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert." It might seem an odd way to introduce CD and TG/TS issues to kids, but my kids love the movie. And, it seemed to take the concepts and put them into a family setting, especially towards the end of the movie.

Do you know how they feel about gender issues?

How far into your transition are you?

[sneakersjay]

They are 9 and 13 and pretty open kids.  We kind of touched on the subject when the whole Thomas Beattie issue surfaced.

I'm only just beginning my transition, meaning I've finally tossed my girl clothes (stuff I've never worn, or worn once in 2-3 yrs); most of my stuff was generic jeans and tee shirts, so I replaced it with men's clothes but its not obvious stuff, I also started binding and packing and for the first time ever feel like myself and not a fraud.

I've been seeing a therapist since my divorce but just brought up this issue yesterday with her and she said it all made sense in light of what I'd told her about myself earlier.

I'm just not sure how far I want to transition if it's going to be more painful for them than me.  I'm attracted to males, but the thought of finally looking male feels like it would be a relief.

Jay

[Constance]

Is your ex likely to use your transition as a way to turn your kids from you?

[sneakersjay]

i don't know, we have 50:50 custody, he has a new girlfriend. i dont' think he'd do anything to hurt our relationship because I'm a good parent, but you never know.

[Shana A]

My partner's daughter was 6 yrs old when I moved in, and was aware of me being transgender since day one of the relationship. She has always used referred to me w/ name and pronouns of choice, and for a while was an active member of the group Colage, run by and for children of LGBT parents.

I think kids can understand things well beyond what adults might think, and if they are aware of it from early on, likely will be OK with it.

Z

[mickiejr1815]

hey Jay,

i can't speak from a ton of experience, but i have younger children than you, 6 & 2 and then one on the way. my daughter was completely fine with it at least she is for now we'll see what happens when she reaches high school, that's usually when the crap hits the fan. it sounds like things are going good so far. my wife refuses to give up her job so she knows i would get the kids if we were to divorce and she knows i'd put up one hell of a fight for them. they're my babies after all.

Best Wishes
The New Warrior Princess
Mickie

[NicholeW.]

 I have 2 sons, now seventeen and ten.

You talk with them. Explain age-appropriately what's going on and with the younger ones I would now stress that there are some revelations that are REQUIRED to stay within the family.

My 10 y/o was telling his friends and discovered during this past six months that telling can hurt him, much worse than what he thought was difficult when he talked about his '3 mothers.' Seems that 10-13 y/o boys may not be 'cool' about a transitioned mother that another child has.

But, they were both told throughout and have had ready and willing ears to process and discuss. It's not easy. And there will be times that are very difficult for you during the process.

But, both boys accept, although for the past two years the older boy has found it problematic. Not the sort of thing he wants to discuss with his friends, so he doesn't. He's been very helpful toward his little brother, especially during the past six months.

N~