At what point should I tell my wife about where I am going mentally/physically?

[6_yearold]

First of all, I am in therapy and have always hated my maleness and genitalia. I have spent a great many years trying to self-castrate but failed as I did not know why I was hurting myself until therapy started 4 months ago. Since my therapy started I have stopped trying to hurt myself because I now see why I was doing it. I now see another and much better option - M2F transition. I now see why I was different from all of my male friends as I was growing up. I never understood the male pack mentality and stupidity. I have always hated my sex drive and prayed for it to go away. Testosterone ruled my thinking and the only relief was masturbation which always made me feel guilty, wasted a lot of my time and made me sad and sick. I am required to masturbate everyday to quell the stress inside of this testosterone filled male body. I want peace, not sexual stress. I often get queasy in my stomach after intercourse with my wife and I now know some of the reasons why. Whenever I watched porn it was to try to get a feel for what the woman's perspective of sex would be like and try to "feel" intercourse as a woman .
I am not a cross dresser but my wife hasn't found the panties I have been wearing for the past month. To everyone in this false world of mine, I am male and I am tired of the charade.
I am very into men as a heterosexual woman and not into men as a male. I want to be "taken, face up, on my back" and to feel sexual love as a woman through intercourse with a man. I want beautiful breasts and I want that stuff between my legs gone as soon as possible and I want it replaced with a working female anatomy.
Until I found this website, I did not even know that a transition like this was possible. I have asked myself, "What if I could take a magic wand, wave it and change, I know I would change in a minute.
I also know that I am very naive but I am in complete understanding of the timeline for transition. I have watched the videos and read almost all of the posts on this site and articles on other sites. Every time I see a video showing the medical procedure side of SRS, I am jealous and want it done to me. I watched a surgery in Thailand where the rules are much less restrictive and feel like I want to go now. I also know that Trinidad, Colorado is where I would love to go because I like the surgical results.
I am currently on a track to become financially able to afford anything I want and when I transition I want to break all ties with my past. In one year my financial situation will be very secure as I own several businesses. If "today" were a year from now and my financial goals were met, I would jump into full transition today.
I have a friend who is in M2F transition and she recommends that I tell my wife of 20 years (2nd Marriage) right away about what I am thinking.
Am I devious if I want to all of a sudden get a divorce, leave my wife (very well off) and run away? Is it selfish to just disappear and start a new life as a woman? I have read the posts of how hard it is to tell family and friends and how I must be ready to lose everything and I just don't care any more if I do lose my old male life. I just want the change and to be who I really am finally. It is like the old me has and is dying and a new me is ready to come out of the cocoon. Do I really need to tell anyone or can I realistically just disappear someday? Sorry about the long post......

[Just Mandy]

It sounds like you are really scared to tell people about your GID and that's normal. I would make sure this is absolutely what
you want before you do anything.

Give it some time would be my advise, but... you owe it to your wife to let her know as soon as possible in my opinion.

Amanda

[Ms Jessica]

Amanda is right.  Telling your wife about what is going on is only fair.  I don't know how close you are to her, or how good your relationship is.  Some women are very open about crossdressing and transgenderism.  Others aren't so much.  I think at the very least you owe it to your wife to tell her about how you feel and what's going on with you.  That's just sort of based on my own personal beliefs about marriage.  If something similar was going on with my wife, I'd want her to tell me about it.  I'd be more concerned with helping her than worrying about myself.  Your situation might be different, so it's hard to give blanket one-size-fits-all advice. 

[Kimberly]

Honestly, I would really hate for someone I care about to just up and poof. I would be horrified, to say the least. I personally feel that at the VERY LEAST one could do is to leave a note explaining why, and just that is a slap in the face because they obviously don't trust me enough, nor love for that matter. ..... Needless to say I am VERY not for the "up and disappear" notion. I'd say give her a chance, at the very least. She might, after all, love YOU, an that would be a horrible thing to throw away. (I have been single for 30 odd years; It hurts to be alone. Honestly, don't throw away happiness without a second thought, such an action might well haunt you later. I think anyway.)


But this all said, yes, it is hard to tell those we love. Honestly, it's best to get used to the hardship as it is all about. But that said, my personal opinion is to say that telling those we love as soon as humanly possible is the best course of action. But then, I despise falsehood, and I for one certainly didn't wake up and throw off the male facade just to slink around the shadows of half truths and out right lies. I am a girl, if people love me, they deal. An you know what? They almost all have. It's certainly not easy, but it's better than the alternative. But then, my frame of mind says that it is better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.


But that all said, I don't know your life, only the path path I've taken. An I do not regret telling my then fiancée, and subsequently loosing her for the soul reason that she needs a man.

But anyway, I wish you very much luck, and I hope that you will need none of it.

[6_yearold]

Thank you all for the candid and open replies. I have a lot to work through and my intent is to not just up and disappear but to first explain and then go away. My wife is hetero and I am too and although I am not sure of it now, I expect to remain hetero. She has stated many, many times in the past that she is not at all in favor of lesbian and homosexual activity. Her commentary over the past 20 years has proven to me that she is rigid and not open to accepting any of what I am exploring. Staying with her is not an option as I transition and I am very aware of that. That is why I know I will lose everything in my male past when I decide to start the transition. I think I have created a very "Hard" shell to protect myself and this is the way I must be to get through all the loss I will be facing.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi,

      Since you have only recently opened up to yourself, you are overwhelmed with ideas and emotions.  Now is not the best time to make any decisions.
      Part of transitioning is learning who you are and how to grow as a person.  If you split and leave a lot of unresolved issues, you may not really be that well of emotionally.  That's just my point of view.

      It is best to tell your wife, but there's no rush.  Set a goal such as 6 months, or a year, and see then if it is time for you to tell her.

      You still have some settling to do in terms of coming to grips with who you are and how best to handle it.   I wouldn't be in such a rush.  When you read most people's stories here on the site, you see that they passed one milestone after another to become the person they are today.

      I guess I'm saying, take your time.  Time will be passing quickly as you learn and develop who you were really meant to be.  Your therapist will most likely support you in taking steps rather than trying to jump directly to the finish line.

     

Peace,

Rebis

[6_yearold]

Thank you Rebis,
It is my plan to keep exploring my gender and I was not going to rush this process. I understand that a transition is permanent and is a huge decision. My thinking is that I will be in therapy exploring what I need to do and will not make a decision for well over a year. When I decide, I will disclose. There is another issue that is bigger than I am, I am starting to understand the discrimination and how our society can be a dangerous place to live in for people like us. I was always sensitive to gays and trans people before but I never knew why. My recent discoveries of who I am and why I was abusing myself have turned on several mental lights that illuminate the realization of my passions to protect and help. I wasn't going to just drop out of sight tomorrow but when and if I make the break, it is all or nothing. I am not a halfway kind of person. When I go, it will be with all my heart and soul. In either case, it will include the intent to be very involved in helping people reduce and remedy the pain of being in the wrong body coupled with the lack of economic resources for transgender souls.

[Nikki]

Thank you all for the candid and open replies. I have a lot to work through and my intent is to not just up and disappear but to first explain and then go away. My wife is hetero and I am too and although I am not sure of it now, I expect to remain hetero. She has stated many, many times in the past that she is not at all in favor of lesbian and homosexual activity. Her commentary over the past 20 years has proven to me that she is rigid and not open to accepting any of what I am exploring. Staying with her is not an option as I transition and I am very aware of that. That is why I know I will lose everything in my male past when I decide to start the transition. I think I have created a very "Hard" shell to protect myself and this is the way I must be to get through all the loss I will be facing.

In my experience you can not be certain of someone's attitudes once confronted with reality based on comments they made in the past without knowing that reality. Based on comments Berri made I was certain there was no chance she'd accept me as a girl. When push came to shove and I had to tell her and she had face the reality the "man" she loved was a woman she discovered she didn't love a man she loved a person regardless of form. We are now closer than we ever were before. Give her a chance before you run.

[6_yearold]

Thank you Nikki,
I thought I wanted a complete break so I could honestly see which gender I was attracted to and that may not need to be the case.
My dreams and fantasies are always of a making love to a man and I do not picture this activity with women.
It is my understanding that I could change who I am attracted to after the hrt starts and that is why I need to "not" jump into anything drastic.
My wife is truly wonderful and it breaks my heart to think of living without her and she isn't even aware that her attraction to me and love for me might be because we are more alike (as women) than she knows.
I will take a lot of time to see which way I swing but I do believe I am a hetero woman inside with all this junk on my physical outside.
In any case I am greatly relieved to not be compelled to destroy myself as I now have the hope of truly becoming who I am inside.
I went 48 years not knowing why I was hurting myself and finding this site and these wonderful "Dear Hearts" on this website has given me the information and outlet on the information I need. As stated in the other replies, I am very new to this and will need to be careful and take a lot of time. It is going to be a very long process....

[Steph]

Thank you Nikki,
I thought I wanted a complete break so I could honestly see which gender I was attracted to and that may not need to be the case.
My dreams and fantasies are always of a making love to a man and I do not picture this activity with women.
It is my understanding that I could change who I am attracted to after the hrt starts and that is why I need to "not" jump into anything drastic.
My wife is truly wonderful and it breaks my heart to think of living without her and she isn't even aware that her attraction to me and love for me might be because we are more alike (as women) than she knows.
I will take a lot of time to see which way I swing but I do believe I am a hetero woman inside with all this junk on my physical outside.
In any case I am greatly relieved to not be compelled to destroy myself as I now have the hope of truly becoming who I am inside.
I went 48 years not knowing why I was hurting myself and finding this site and these wonderful "Dear Hearts" on this website has given me the information and outlet on the information I need. As stated in the other replies, I am very new to this and will need to be careful and take a lot of time. It is going to be a very long process....

This may come across as a little blunt, and I apologize in advance if it does, it's not meant to.

Firstly your wife deserves honesty.  From what you have said you have been in a wonderful loving relationship with this person, and for her to find out on her own would be devastating, more so than if you told her yourself.  That being said you need to absolutely sure that you are TS and not something else as while fantasies and dreams are often a part of other members of this TG group, they should not be your guiding light so to speak.  What you are embarking on cannot be undone.

As far as "Seeing which gender you were attracted to" and "Taking a lot of time to see which way you swing"...  What the heck difference does it make if you're hetro or queer.  If you are a woman then being queer, bi or hetro will make no difference, you are who you are.  Would the finding out that you may be queer change anything for you?  I would suggest that if it did then you certainly need to re-evaluate who and/or what you are.

While there are several here who's marriage survived transition/SRS, unfortunately many haven't.  I lost a 33 year marriage, but I still feel fortunate as it was an amicable breakup and we are still good friends, and to be honest I think that I'm closer to my now, than I ever was.  Heed the advice given here as believe me once the cat is out of the bag there's no putting it back in.

Steph

[6_yearold]

Steph,
I hid the fact that I was hurting myself to the world for 48 years. I have just 4 months ago "opened" up to a therapist. My wife is now fully aware of what I was doing to myself and I hide nothing that is "true reality" from her. So, she knows I am confused, I have only begun my recovery and I have some sexual confusion. She also knows that I always have told her the truth, am hetero with her and loyal and have never strayed.
She is aware I have some of this confusion and obviously is watching and supporting me. I haven't told her if I am leaning one way or another because I do not know if and where I am going. But she knows some of the results of this are that I replaced the self abuse with a love (or need) to be clean shaven in the genital area as it lessens the dirtiness feelings down there. (My genitals were dirty and offending to me and I was trying to get rid of them.) She knows that I like sexual things/fantasies as she fully cooperates in all of my unusual requests. She has held me as I cried myself to sleep at night.
Since this is so new and I am still searching for "me", why should I stir things up even more? It has always been my intent to stay with here the rest of my life. I just cannot see her staying married to a woman. She needs a penis once in a while and a man all the time.
I sought out a therapist to discover why I was self abusing and trying to destroy myself. I didn't have a clue as to this gender (right mind/wrong body) possibility as I thought I was some kind of a sadist/degenerate.
I used to like porn and now I don't feel the need for it and am able to avoid it. This website and my therapy have helped a great deal to explain why I was interested in the porn and now I just stay away.
This gender thing is blowing away all that I ever was and since I am so confused right now, big decisions should not be made without a lot of education, time and thought.
I feel like a virgin in life and am naive to what lies ahead and that is part of the fun and anguish of discovery.
Up to this point, this website has been very helpful in explaining the gains and loses to be incurred in either direction I decide to go. I have read from this site that it is a personal thing and it is my decision and some have suggested in their writings to be a little selfish.
Now I am reading that it is truly not my decision, I should not be selfish and that I should risk it all before I am sure of who I am.

I feel like a cat chasing my tail, a lot of activity but I am still in the bag. Maybe in 48 more years I will have it figured out. I am a pretty quiet person - I am amazed that I write so much in my replies. It might be best if I not post and just read like I did for the month before I joined. The last thing I ever want to do is create confusion or hard feelings among the beautiful people contributing to this site. You are all wonderful people here and you are laying your hearts and souls on these pages and helping a lot of people you will never meet. Steph, you are one of those beautiful people I so very much appreciate and love... Virtual hugs to you all....

6_yearold

[Nikki]

I have read from this site that it is a personal thing and it is my decision and some have suggested in their writings to be a little selfish.
Now I am reading that it is truly not my decision, I should not be selfish and that I should risk it all before I am sure of who I am.

It's two sides to the same coin. One the one hand it is your life others can offer their input and help you see your own needs. When it comes to things like what gender presentation you offer to the world, what medical assistance you need or don't need to feel right in your body, what your sexual needs are only you can make the decision and only you matter in the end. You can only be yourself and yes be selfish no one has a right to you as a man if thats not what you are.

BUT on the other hand you have a wife of 20 years who loves you and hopefully you love her. You don't have to be her man, you don't have to stay married if you need a man(nor does she). But you do have an obligation to tell her the truth and give her a chance to be with you and help you through this journey. Maybe she'll reject you, maybe you're relationship will change to a friendship, maybe you'll both find you value your love for each other over sex. How it turns out is not important. What is important is that you give her the truth and the chance to remain a part of your life, whatever life that is, that she deserves. In this you should not be selfish and disappear in the night or just kick her out of your life.

[6_yearold]

As you can tell, I am confused and really do appreciate all of the comments whether I want to hear them or not.
I do need to hear them though and for that you all are appreciated and I love you all.
I truly do need to do the right thing and I will keep you posted.....
Thank you,
6_yearold

[Steph]

Hello 6

Steph,
I hid the fact that I was hurting myself to the world for 48 years. I have just 4 months ago "opened" up to a therapist. My wife is now fully aware of what I was doing to myself and I hide nothing that is "true reality" from her. So, she knows I am confused, I have only begun my recovery and I have some sexual confusion. She also knows that I always have told her the truth, am hetero with her and loyal and have never strayed.

There are many of us older folks who didn't realize, and fought, hurt and hid from themselves, myself included.  It just gets to the point that you can't fight it anymore and that we have to do something to maintain our sanity or we end up doing nasty things to ourselves and there are many who committed the ultimate sacrifice to escape the pain and agony we endure.

She is aware I have some of this confusion and obviously is watching and supporting me. I haven't told her if I am leaning one way or another because I do not know if and where I am going. But she knows some of the results of this are that I replaced the self abuse with a love (or need) to be clean shaven in the genital area as it lessens the dirtiness feelings down there. (My genitals were dirty and offending to me and I was trying to get rid of them.) She knows that I like sexual things/fantasies as she fully cooperates in all of my unusual requests. She has held me as I cried myself to sleep at night.

I completely understand where you are coming from.  I also self mutilated, and did many other stupid, desperate things in my effort to sort out who and what I was.  Therapy will definitely help.  It helped me enormously.  I had a great therapist, the key is to be totally honest and open in every way, and don't expect the out come to be as you hope, keep an open mind, don't try and color/sway the sessions.

Since this is so new and I am still searching for "me", why should I stir things up even more? It has always been my intent to stay with here the rest of my life. I just cannot see her staying married to a woman. She needs a penis once in a while and a man all the time.

Often in our quest to find out "Who we are" our significant others are left in the dust.  It's great that you are thinking of her needs as well as yours, as her support will be worth it's weight in gold and believe me I speak from experience.  My ex was a tower of strength and suffered every bit as much as I did.  If it wasn't for her support throughout I don't know how I would have survived.

I sought out a therapist to discover why I was self abusing and trying to destroy myself. I didn't have a clue as to this gender (right mind/wrong body) possibility as I thought I was some kind of a sadist/degenerate.
I used to like porn and now I don't feel the need for it and am able to avoid it. This website and my therapy have helped a great deal to explain why I was interested in the porn and now I just stay away.
This gender thing is blowing away all that I ever was and since I am so confused right now, big decisions should not be made without a lot of education, time and thought.
I feel like a virgin in life and am naive to what lies ahead and that is part of the fun and anguish of discovery.

I was scared to death of what I might be and I too turned to, lets say, "the dark side" in futile efforts to prove that I was still a man, the son my parents raised, the 'Father' to my daughter, the husband to my wife... in the end a loosing battle.

Up to this point, this website has been very helpful in explaining the gains and loses to be incurred in either direction I decide to go. I have read from this site that it is a personal thing and it is my decision and some have suggested in their writings to be a little selfish.
Now I am reading that it is truly not my decision, I should not be selfish and that I should risk it all before I am sure of who I am.

In the end it will be YOUR decision, and as with the vast majority of us, that decision will inevitably be a selfish one.

I feel like a cat chasing my tail, a lot of activity but I am still in the bag. Maybe in 48 more years I will have it figured out. I am a pretty quiet person - I am amazed that I write so much in my replies. It might be best if I not post and just read like I did for the month before I joined. The last thing I ever want to do is create confusion or hard feelings among the beautiful people contributing to this site. You are all wonderful people here and you are laying your hearts and souls on these pages and helping a lot of people you will never meet. Steph, you are one of those beautiful people I so very much appreciate and love... Virtual hugs to you all....

6_yearold

Don't fret about any of that, it's what Susan's is all about.  We were all in the position you find yourself now so we completely understand.  Write away.

Steph

[6_yearold]

Steph,
You are so kind and understanding and that is why I feel comfortabe here. I'm going to go have a little "cry" now...
6 or 6_yearold or someday "6'y"