Updated: Pure Hatred & Redemption

[Chynna]

The very first time I experienced pure hatred was at age 19. While I lay stomach down in an emergency room receiving 5 stitches in my head & 8 in my back shoulder blade by two different physicians. As i felt the needles repeatedly puncture my skin almost simultaneously the only thing that keep me from passing out was the pure raw hatred that I was building up towards the 2 men who put me there as I screamed out in sheer pain & the tears poured down my face the only single thought I had was how much I hated and despised them.

I was walking home from work one night @ 4AM @ young men approached me thinking I was a girl, to there surprise once they began talking to me I informed them I was not.
Maybe they felt there manhood threaten by being attracted to me?
Perhaps I made them question there own sexuality?
May be I had no business or right too walk down that street looking like I do?
Maybe I misrepresented myself and came off fake by emulating a girl?
Whatever there reasons these 2 men struck & beat me repeatedly with a crowbar & a monkey wrench. Has the blood ran down my face and back my initial response being as strong willed as I like to think I am was to fight back. As I fought back the only thing that made me still able to fight and not fall down was sheer spite and not giving these two men the satisfaction of seeing me fall.
Has I arrived semi concourse from the loss of blood and trauma to my head to the ER. Some twist of fate allowed me to regain all my sense has the Dr. administered the local anesthesia in the form of a needle to my scalp. I began to cry (something I have only done 4 times in my adult life)
The only thing I could focus & concentrate on was the hatred I had for these 2 "so called" men that felt the need to inflict so much pain on another human being.
Hatred for myself & being the way I am and what I am.
And hatred for life in general

I carried this hatred with me for quite sometime until one day for no other reason but "divine intervention" I forgave them and more importantly myself.
I came to the realization that hatred & fear within itself was the reason why they attacked me. The same hate I now carried within my heart that was fused into my very essence of who I am.  I had allowed them to due far worse then scare & physically attack me. I had allowed them to damage me mentally. So I forgave them and to this day have no bad feeling towards them Even though I still get severe headaches from time to time and have a problem with remember names & dates due to the trauma to my head I hate no one I am mad at no one. Because you really can't hate someone for fearing something they don't understand. After all we all have fear if not just the fear of knowing and being truly who we are....ourselves.

To error is human to forgive is divine....
No matter how big or severe the error is.


Once touched by angel.
CHYNNA

[NightAngel]

Wow, you are an angel dear Chynna, at least in my eyes.
I'm very sorry to hear that sad story but you did the right thing, because if you would seek for revenge the whole thing could be only worse for you, for your spirit. You are very brave and smart girl!! 


* *

Michelle

[Chynna]

What can I say to that NightAngel.
An angel I am by far...I just stand in the presence of the most beautiful & intellgent group of people I have ever gotten the pleasure of knowing just by being a member of this site

But you've proved that with your posting above...
Thank you

I stand on the tips of angels wings only hoping to touch heaven one day!
Chynna

[taylor]

Chynna,


Thank you.

Peace,

Taylor

[Rana]

Chynna, I wonder - what would happen if those men were to meet you now and explain why they acted like they did?
You know, I think that if they had any spark of human decency in themselves they would not be able to explain - and would be ashamed.
If they wern't one could only feel sorry for them - they have made a hell for themselves, even if they did not realise it yet. (mixing my tenses a bit there   )
The danger was that hatred is a trap that could have dragged you down to their level - Your strength of character by forgiving them allowed you not only to escape but strengthened you.
I hope to God that I would have the strength to do that - I often worry

[jan c]

you have defined strength of character and resolve of spirit as far as I'm concerned -

John Coltrane: "I would like to be a saint"

damn girlfriend you almost there!

Forgiveness of that - I can only imagine - is a hard one to do.

I am virtually speechless.

[Chynna]

Additional Note:

They were never caught nor was there ever a police follow up.
This is actually only one of 2 incidents I have personnal experienced. The second individual they caught only due to my persistance for justice did the authorities actually take action because after all "they look at me as being less of a human being simply because I am what I am"
And I actually in court had an oppurtunity to ask this individual "WHY" His rather touching, honest but empty response was "I have a problem"
I felt sorry & sympathy for this individual who severly and permenatly devestated my life...But thats a story for yet another thread!

I believe we all must atoll at some point for our actions in life.
I leave the judgement up to "well lets say A higher power"

I stand at the gates of eternity only to turn back to hell
CHYNNA

[NightAngel]

You are very strong girl Chynna, honestly, I really doubt that I could ever forgive them.

Thank you Chynna,

* *

Michelle

[Kate]

What an amazing heart you have, Chynna. You're a very beautiful person - in every way.

I don't know how you do it. I do understand, and I WISH my heart was that pure and forgiving... but... I have much work to do yet

Someone I idolize once said, "Nobody likes themselves. That's why people are so cruel to each other."

Indeed.

Thank you for sharing that, painful as it must be.