Lifetimes friends adjusting to transition...

[wolfie]

i have found that it's difficult enough (being pre-op) to explain to those i am just meeting (when called "she") to "correct" them and explain my "situation" (lots of quotes are neccesary here). however, i find that a lot less frustrating than continuously trying to explain to a friend of mine of 10 years how it is. i have been telling her my plans for surgery and hormones for about 4 years now, but when speaking to her today about starting my T in 2 weeks she acted as if i've never talked to her about any of this before.

how does one make it easier for a friend who has known them before they began transitioning to understand and help them "deal with it"?

i used to think that it would be ideal to just pick up and move somewhere else after starting T to get a fresh start, but with that comes a lot of sacrifices. i know there are people who do it and it works well for them, but what about the friends that have been supportive in other aspects of our lives that we want to keep in touch with?

[Melissa]

Maybe she didn't really believe you before.

Melissa

[wolfie]

that was my initial impression, i think that it's a lot more concrete and convincing when it's no longer just talking about it.

[Dennis]

Yeah, my friends were fine and took equal delight in little changes like my voice dropping once I had started T. I don't think they can imagine the changes that T will bring before that.

I do find that female friends seem to have a harder time with the new pronouns than male friends. Dunno why that is.

Dennis

[Melissa]

I do find that female friends seem to have a harder time with the new pronouns than male friends. Dunno why that is.

That interesting Dennis.  It's the other way around for MTFs.  Perhaps people have an easier time accepting you as the sex you are moving to if it is the same as theirs.

Melissa

[wolfie]

i have never really thought about it before, but it has always been a lot easier for my male friends to adjust as if it doesn't even phase them. interesting about the mtf's having a difficult time with men using correct pronouns. my only thought on that is that the women for ftms and men for mtfs can't relate or come even close to grasping what it's like to feel male or female, they've lived in their role and generally many haven't had to think about it.

[Mario]

Wolfie,

      If thats what you prefer, I had to leave where my kids live, cause too many people know me. I live with Pam, about 45 minutes away, and as long as I am there, I pass as a guy now. Course I have to bind all the time but only until August 7th!!!!!!!!!!! That will be a great day. Anyway, it is just eaiser to transition away from people that know you. I mean if you have friends you want to see than you will. But since you guys just got into a place I suppose you should stay there. Once you are on T and have top surgery the woeld will be a different place.

                                                            Marco

[wolfie]

thanks marco, congrats on the date for the surgery!!! that's huge. i have about 4 weeks till i go back on t, and it made a world of difference even for the short amount of time that i was on it before. i can't wait to get chest surgery, want it before the wedding for sure. when binding i'm still worried about visibility, constant paranoia if you will. using tri top compression vest right now, but it's short and REALLY warm when in sun or working out (especially since i'm a landscaper). do you have any suggestions on binders that might be a better bet? amy says the binder works great, so i guess it's just all in my head eh? regardless, would like something that feels a lot more natural. and i hear we're having another 2 guest to our wedding, sounds like a plan!

-tino-

[Dersi]

That interesting Dennis.  It's the other way around for MTFs.  Perhaps people have an easier time accepting you as the sex you are moving to if it is the same as theirs.

Melissa

Agree this happens to me.

In college my male classmates got problems to see me and talk with me liek talking with a girl, but at least my passability helps a bit.

With female classmates is kinda easy, one day they ganged me to ask a few questions hehehe you know girls question about guys and such :p

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's almost like your the prodigal son (or daughter).

Melissa

[spike]

Yes babe, to me your binder works great. Sorry about your friend earlier I am pretty confident she'll come around and start seeing you different. I noticed that when I dont see young cousins for too long I cant get over who they really are. They look and talk different, there's sometimes weird silence and staring at each other expectantly. For me I always picture them in a certain way, at a cute moment, particular height a specific moment in time with light in their eyes. That is how I see them. If I dont seem them often enough they always look that way in my head. Obviously it's not the same as trans b/c people dont recogconize people as growing so they want to stop or change it. There's jugment. For me I have not known you really as anything other than a man. I am not sure what they are going through. From how you have described her; I think she loves you, cares and is 'trying to get it'. Sounds like a pretty craddled up bringing too so it is all new. (Yes even after 4 years). I could be wrong but from what I have obsrved and what I understand about human nature the T, surg, live in girlfriend is grounds for explotion b/c it is very real now, not a phase, no turning back etc. Some have probably been holding out for that. She'll figure it out & love you as Tino
~A~ PS Cant wait to get out of here so I can see you! 

[MarcosGirl]

Hey Tino:
         I see Marco is online, so I should probably let him answer his own questions, but I'll butt in anyway (he's up where his kids live so he can take his daughter to a volleyball team party).
         Marco wears a 6" ace bandage to bind, but it is really hot too.  If he gets it too tight, he can barely breathe, but that's easily fixed.  He tried this "tummy trimmer" thing that he saw suggested on a website.  It's this neoprene band that is really made to go around your middle, but the website was saying that it also works well for binding.  He gave it a try, and being neoprene and with the 100 + heat here now, he was sweltering!  He also kind of felt like it didn't compress well enough too.  It was dependent on what kind of shirt he wore.

        Well, it's good to see you around here...looking forward to meeting you and Amy in April!!  That is going to be so much fun!  I should go now, it's almost time for the 3 hours I get to spend with my kids tonight...whew hew!!  I don't know how much Amy has told you about my situation, but I only get 6 hours with my kids a week at this point...NOT ENOUGH!!!

Take care,
Pam

[jan c]

I found that males don't necessarily (friends, friends of friends, it's disturbing to these guys)
dig the MtF gig AT ALL when they see it.
I have one friendship that is SO OVER, behind mainly this.
There was a lot of bravado in the beginning;
A lot of 'open-minded' in the posture towards it.
In the end, dude wants to have my situation reflect his,
as much as possible;
a no-growth situation for me is what that ultimately entails.
This is someone that has been in love with me for over two decades, too
{not sexually, a het male, but, well it's complex innit}, lotta time down the drain.
it happens.

The other side of it is that the girls have been more than cool with it
Girls just wanna have fu-un
and that's all good.

[Dennis]

Tino, there's a woman in Vancouver who makes binders for transmen. All she asks is that you pay for the material - was about $15 for me. It was the most comfortable binder I wore, although slightly less effective at squishing them flat than an abdominal binder, but the comfort made up for it and a baggy shirt made the slight issues with not entirely flat invisible. It was a lot cooler in the summer too.

Lemme know if you want me to dig around and see if I still have her email and I can ask her if she's still doing it.

Dennis