Hi all! I've lurking around these boards for the past few months and thought it was finally time to introduce myself.
Here's a quick little bit about me:
I'm an 18 year old MtF who is getting ready to go college. I an not currently out to anyone, but am planning on coming out to my two closest friends before leaving for school. I'll probably be fairly open about being transgender in college, considering that I plan to transition while there.
I have never felt like I was, as the cliche goes, "trapped in a man's body," nor have I always known I was transgender. Instead, I've had two separate realizations of my status. The first time was somewhere around the beginning of puberty. I'm not sure of my exact age at the time. Growing up, I had always been drawn towards things girls tended to do more than boys, such as make believe games, dressing up, etc, and had a fairly girly personality. I remember crossdressing on several occasions and how much more right it felt than boys clothes. I never viewed myself as a girl until around the age of ten, when I realized that I would be happier if viewed and treated as a girl.
Then came time to move and the beginning of middle school and junior high. My family moved to a very conservative and snobby area. To give you an idea of how bad the area is, last years yearbook at the middle school I attended did not have pictures or mentions of the special ed kids because the PTA didn't want their kids associated with "those others." That cruel, snobby attitude was picked up by their kids, who found my feminine and otherwise eccentric personality a perfect target. I was bullied to the point where I viewed myself as freak who did not deserve to live. This lead me to develop a sort of alter ego that I presented at school and switched with my regular personality at home. Eventually, I repressed my real self completely, first convincing myself I just had an odd crossdressing fetish, then completely suppressing any and all transgender related ideas. The mind's capacity for self deception really is amazing.
Suppressing my true self combined with the antagonism I received at school first led to self loathing and general anger, then depression, and finally several occasions where I nearly attempted suicide. The fear of failure and being mocked as the kid who almost killed himself was all that stopped me. Luckily, during all that I was forced by my parents to join a local youth group. The people (saints, I should say) I found there taught me the true meaning of acceptance and family. I was able to be myself there with no repercussions. Slowly, my depression lessened, until it reached a point this spring where I was able to say, "I'm better." Since that moment, I have had several occasions where I re-learned about the suppressed aspects of my personality, including my ->-bleeped-<-.
I guess that might not be such a quick little bit after all. Sorry for the long read and any typos or anything that doesn't make sense. It's late here, so please forgive me!
