Quote from: Sara on January 22, 2006, 08:29:08 PM
Hazumu, Exactly but what if just what if they said no you are definately gay. how do they know for gods sake. Who gives them the right to say to you, no you cannot go on hormones or you must stop because you are that way and then give you medication to control your brain into being wishy washy and confused even more. Some can be so wrong, then what happens?
Okay, has your therapist told you you are gay? I'm wondering if that is some sort of a test...
My mother, while she was alive, would from time to time tell me it was okay to be gay. I'm glad we could comfortably have these conversations, but I always had to tell her, no, I've really considered it, I've looked deeply within myself, and even with your support and permission, I can't go there because I have no desire to go there.
Now, being around gays was an interesting experience for me. I had no desire to be gay, I had no personal fear or revulsion of gays, but I had a fear of being seen associating with gays because of the predatory alpha males. So in the locker rooms and amongst groups of alpha males I 'talked the talk', and felt badly afterwards for dissing fellow human beings.
Now, being anywhere near transsexuals -- that was a wholly different feeling. Have you ever felt attracted and repelled at the same time? My guess is my tyrannical superego was working overtime, trying to keep me away from the very thing some part of me desired -- needed -- very much. It was a wonderfully designed Catch-22, too. I could wish to be reincarnated as a girl, I could wish that I had been born female, but if I even thought about actually pursuing transition, the bad ole' superego would step in with 'You'll never be a FULLY functioning woman, you can't have it, so shut up and get over it!!" But I remember watching with fascination an episode of the Phil Donahue show (back when it was the most controversial talks show on,) that had post-surgery Wendy Carlos as a guest. But, as usual, I was told by me to 'get over it.'
There's a TG lady who just retired from her job here. When I first saw her, I read her, because she wasn't trying to pass or anything (and I have to admire her comfort with and acceptance of herself.) Superego stepped in and I spent over a year avoiding her. But really, in retrospect, I was being made to avoid myself. And realizing that was part of getting out of the full-nelson lock that my superego had me in.
Okay, what's this got to do with being told your gay by your therapist? You've got to be honest with yourself -- really honest. Do you have any feelings at all towards other men while you're still phisically male? What's the character of the 'no' you hear inside yourself? Is it a calm 'no' or a desperate, screaming "NOOO!!!" That's a clue.
If you're still sure you're not gay, try convincing your therapist. Maybe it really is a test. But if its not and your therapist insists you're really gay so no hormones for YOU, the problem may be with your therapist. Thank him or her for their time, and go try another therapist. Sure, it's a setback, and you've wasted all that time and money, but you'd just be sending bad money after good if you stayed. Doctors and therapist alike sometimes develop god complexes, and feel they are infallable at spotting, labeling and pigeonholing people into different 'types'. But diagnosing GID and TS are not exact sciences.
As to finding a new therapist, try to find one who recognizes that homosexuality and GID are not exclusive conditions -- that they can coexist, and who is willing to use a trial HRT as a diagnostic tool -- basically at about four months as the effects of the estrogen and the testosterone blockers really take hold, it seperates the girls from the boys.
In my case, my superego did such a wonderful job of blocking me from my feelings that my therapist told me I hadn't crossdressed enough to be GID. That's one of the things he said that session that sent me into a tailspin and prompted me to pour my spinning thoughts into a four page fax that he said caused him to re-evaluate me as being more likely to be GID.
Just remember GID is the diagnosis, but there's as many flavors of GID as there are people who 'suffer' from it (funny, I suffered more from running away from it, and thing have already got a whole lot better by accepting this part of myself. go figure...) Stay true to yourself. Keep on pushing through. And don't ever lose your spirit.
(Dang, Kimberly, I see you beat me to the post. Your advice is good too. I'm counseling that there may be a time to cut your losses.)
Sara, it's ultimately up to you. But this message board is here, we're here to consult with. Take a few steps, whatever you deem appropriate, then ask questions. You'll make it, eventually.
Haz
