Hi everybody,
This is the first time I've ever posted to a forum, although I've spend many hours reading posts here and other places. I am a 57 year old MtF transsexual who came out to the world four months ago. I knew since I was 9 or 10 that I felt different about myself. I wanted to do what girls did and wear what girls wore. I wasn't clear about why, but I knew it was true. I never was able to fit into any group of guys. They made uncomfortable and were generally coarse and gross.
I began to cross-dress around 12 years old and did that whenever I could. When I was caught, my parents said it was just a phase. (Yeah, right.) I eventually read about ->-bleeped-<-s and transsexuals at the library. I devoured everything I could find, but I never figured out why I felt as I did. I figured I was a CD and that was that. Of course it was a terrible secret that no one could ever know. At age 32, I got married and had two kids. It was then that I realized how powerful the pull to be female had become, but I was trapped. I could not abandon my wife and babies, who I loved. I tried alcohol to make the pain and discontent go away. The drinking soon turned on me with terrible consequences, but I've been sober now for 9 1/2 years.
Three years ago, I found that I could no longer deny that my feelings were those of a transsexual, not a cross-dresser. When I was dressed, I never wanted to take the clothes off. I wanted to stay that way forever. At 55 years of age, after spending years assuring (hoping) myself that I was just a heterosexual CD, I was faced with the realization that I desperately wanted to be female the rest of my life. I started seeing a therapist weekly. I've been on hormones for almost three years. I started electrolysis about a year ago (which apparently will take the rest of my life). Four months ago I moved out of the house to my own apartment. I generally don't leave here without being dressed, except to go to work.
In the last four months, I came out to my entire extended family, attending the regular family summer re-union as my female self with no one's misgivings or hostility. I've told all my old friends and co-workers and received only understanding and encouragement. I attended the Be-All conference here in Chicago. I marched in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade, again getting a wonderful acceptance of my new identity. I can shop, go to movies and concerts, and in general mix with the general population without eliciting any noticeable response. (I am no beauty.) All of these wonderful experience help me feel that I was on the right track at last, even though I do most of this alone.
But the newness has worn off and I'm faced with what's next? My wonderful wife still loves 'Jim', but wants no part of my new life. My kids no longer speak to me. I find myself crying at awkward times during the day. I miss my wife and kids more than I can express. It is especially hard to know that my children want nothing to do with me. I don't anyone in the TG community here. I attend a GLBT group in Naperville, Illinois, but I am typically the only trans there. I need help from people like myself. From my drinking days, I know that I cannot rely only on my own resources. What do I do with myself? What's next? Is this a phase? I could plan several surgeries, but why, if I'm still alone. I am hoping someone here has been there and can offer some advice. Right now, I'm listening to Annie Lennox's "No More I Love You's" over and over. It seems to sum up my situation.
This is probably a terrible introduction, but it's where I am. I want so much for this to work and I don't have thirty years to work on it.
