What to do? (Friends)

[LynnER]

Ive got a small problem, its quite frustrateing....

Just to recap,  Im in a band.
     Well, my bandmates roughhouse often and there haveing a real hard time getting the point that I really dont appreciate<sp?> it.  But thats tolarable.
    One of my bandmates can get quite affectonate especialy when hes drunk and his faveriot thing to do is smack you on the back and or the chest.  Ive repediatly asked him to stop with the chest.  He hasnt.
     Last night was the last straw though as he actualy groped when he did it... not once... but three times.  Being nice and being polite havnt worked.  He just dosnt get the point
   I cant avoid him but I really dont know what to do. (Though Ive considered removeing his hand at the wrist)
    Has anyone else had a similar problem...? and dose anyone have any ideas on how to solve mine?
     I dont like complaining but... *shrugs*  this really got to me.    Thanks

[kitten]

when the band gets together, for rehearsal or whatever, and before anybody has got drunk, ask them to listen and explain the problem as you see it, not in an accusatory way, but just as a statement of the ground rules you expect.

this way the internal culture of the band can change, and you will then have the implied support of the band as a group in all situations, without having to perform surgery on a friend's digital extremities.

i don't know how you are perceived, or perceive yourself, but i would say something like "guys, how would you expect to have to behave if there was a woman in the band? .... well, there is one - me!"

[stephanie_craxford]

I have to agree with Kitten.  It could be that the lines are a little blured, or they or the one band member thinks what he is doing is ok.  Be up-front with the band and let them know what is acceptable behaiviour and what is not.  If they are true friends they will respect your wishes.  If they can't then may be it's time to make a change, you don't have to put up with any form of disrespect or harassment.

[AmyNYC]

Hi Lynn!  Could you fill in the blanks...

Are you dressed as a girl when you're around these people?
If not, do they know about your transition?

I had less extreme versions of the same problem.  Guys in my band (while I was dressed as a guy) would tap me on the chest while trying to make a point.  I asked them to not do that again, and they didn't.  The ones that knew about my transition were mortified at their actions and apologized profusely.  The ones that didn't just didn't do it again.

When I'm Amy, which is 24/7 now, nobody would dare touch my chest, just as they wouldn't dare touch a GG's chest.

It sounds as though you've been tough with them already.  Try talking to the other members about the inappropriate behavior.  If one guy is being rude, and you have all the others on your side looking out for you, maybe he'd get the idea.  Good luck!

[LostInTime]

I had to deal with someone like that once.  He had long nails and would poke you if you said something he did not like.  I had asked him not to but he persisted.  One day, as he focused poking my neck, I quickly brought my hand up and put my fingers around his throat.  I made sure that I had his attention but gently applying enough pressure to restrict the airflow.  I then relayed what would happen if I had to do so again.  Problem solved.  Joint/wrist locks are usually pretty simple, especially if he is larger than yourself.

Best of luck!

[LynnER]

Yeah Amy, they know about my transitioning, but no Im not dressed around them yet, mainly due to problems with my ID and bars for after practice.

I'll try being nice again... he is getting alittle better day by day.  (I slapped him last time)
And I'll most deffinatly try getting the rest of the band to have a talk with him about it (never thought of that *duh*)

Thanks everyone 

[tiffani66]

Lynn, if he tries to touch you in an inapproprate way again, there is one tactic that will always make a man willing to listen: grab him by the cojones and squeeze.  He'll learn really fast not to bother you. 

When you do that, quietly tell him that his actions have not been appropriate, then ask if he likes having his balls squeezed.  He will, most likely, tell you no; tell him that you don't like being touched in the chest area and maybe, just maybe, he will get the message.

I had one man atttempt to grab my breasts several years ago; I used that tactic as my response to his action.  When he started to raise his hand as if to hit me, I squeezed harder.  He lost all interest in bothering me and began to cry, at which point I let go.  He apologized to me shortly after; I returned an apology for having to hurt him.  He never again tried to grab me inappropriately.

Tiffani