Did I come to the right place?

[Khukuri]

Hello...

I'm not exactly sure if this is the kind of place for me, but I'm not sure where else I could possibly fit.

I am attracted to males and possibly to females, though I am still somewhat confused about that. I've never felt comfortable with wearing women's clothing --- even being referenced to as female brings about a set of emotions I do not fully understand. Most of my wardrobe, if you will, tends to be masculine (aside from some feminine clothes given from relatives). I absolutely love to hunt, fish, restore cars, gunsmithing, watch football, and even on occasion, boxing and other forms of recreational fighting. If I'm not reminded, I sometimes forget that I am female.

However I've never given any thought to gender reassignment. Just feeling like one of the guys is usually enough for me. All my life I've felt at odds with myself and others around me. If there is anyone else who has felt similar I would really like to know about it. Being the oddball isn't all it's cracked up to be.

[NicholeW.]

It seems that you might be at the right place, Khucuri,

We're a pretty varied lot around here, even sexually.

You might just wanna stick around, read and post for awhile to be sure for yourself.

One thing is certain though, you are welcome here and we're a pretty well universally accepting lot of folk.

Pull up a chair and see if it's comfortable.

Nichole

[tinkerbell]

Hello Khukuri and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

[TheBattler]

Hi Khukuri,

Wellcome to Susans.

We have a variety of people here, not everyone fit a mould and sure as heck don't. This is a place where we can learn about ourselves together just get settled in and enjoy the company.

Alice

[Aidan]

Gender is much more complicated than just "guy" or "gal." 

Your name looks familiar.  I'm wondering if I know you from somewhere else.  But in either case, hi.  *waves*

[Khukuri]

Thanks Nichole, Tink, Alice, and Aidan for the warm welcome.

Part of me is wanting to spill the beans, if you will; while another part of me wants to more cautious. I think I'll take another chance and say a bit more.

I am attracted to males, but at times this doesn't feel right. Sometimes this attraction seems more like fascination...does that make any sense? Males to me appear "normal" whereas the female body, even my own body just doesn't look right (high school was just horrible, really felt short-changed). Don't get me wrong, I think women are beautiful --very beautiful-- but it's hard to explain why they are so strange. For the most part, women bring about feelings of fear, curiosity and embarrassment.

These feelings have always been present. I even took great pride as a child in acting more like a boy. For some reason it was important for me to fit in with the boys... even now I don't like to be left out. Around women I feel alienated.

Like I said, I've never thought about gender reassignment, but in most of my dreams I am male. More often than not, I am in the company of females. In other dreams I am in the company of men, and sometimes I am me and other times there is no way of knowing.

If nothing else, it felt good to get that out.

In response to Aidan, I think I've seen your name on another forum.

[Aidan]

Well, there are other Aidans in the world besides me.  I've only met one other Khukuri though, and that was on livejournal,  not a forum.  So probably not. 

[NicholeW.]

Part of me is wanting to spill the beans, if you will; while another part of me wants to more cautious. I think I'll take another chance and say a bit more.

It's fine to spill the beans, luv. Please do it into a nice large pot so we can all have bean-soup tonight!

... For the most part, women bring about feelings of fear, curiosity and embarrassment.

We seem to cause that sort of consternation in many men, and in some other women. It's that whole mystique thang!!  Actually, we are usually quite harmless and very outgoing! 

These feelings have always been present. I even took great pride as a child in acting more like a boy. For some reason it was important for me to fit in with the boys... even now I don't like to be left out. Around women I feel alienated.

OK, that seems like a usual quality of statement among many FTMs. Maybe you are one, maybe not. But, whomever you might be in that regard talking about it, revealing something about your internal workings on a board like this can be freeing and a form of self-discovery and self-embracing. It's all about you, luv. And we are here to provide feedback when we can and support all the time. It's what we've received and what we give back now. You go!!

Like I said, I've never thought about gender reassignment, but in most of my dreams I am male. More often than not, I am in the company of females. In other dreams I am in the company of men, and sometimes I am me and other times there is no way of knowing.

Perhaps what you've never thought about in waking-time what you dream about? Just a thought. I find that I often work-out things in dreams before i am ready to actually consciously think about them when I am awake. Perhaps the same holds true for you.

So maybe you've thought about this more than you actually know? Just a thought.

If nothing else, it felt good to get that out.

Told ya so!! And that's the wondrous thing about anonymous boards, dear, you can actually write and read your own thoughts, get things out and see them there on the screen. We all do that and it can be very liberating and usually manages to engage us with some inner-peace. Of course it feels good!

Now, just pull up that chair and relax! You have done exceptionally well!! It really is very nice to have you with us, Khukuri!!

O, maybe I shouldn't be hugging you!! Don't wanna scare you off given your feelings about being close to women!!

You are gonna be a welcome addition to this group!! Already fitting right in!

Nichole

[Khukuri]

This forum has been very friendly to me. Last night I was very excited (about finding this forum) that I couldn't sleep...in that regard I want to apologize to everyone I inadvertantly kept up.

Well, there are other Aidans in the world besides me.  I've only met one other Khukuri though, and that was on livejournal,  not a forum.  So probably not. 

I'm a sucker for coincidence, always on the lookout for them, much like a Charles Dickens novel.





Last night and carried on to this morning, for whatever reason, my thoughts sifted through memories from childhood to recent times. I remember my first crush. I think I was in fourth or fifth grade, playing on the playground, and I turned to look up. There she was, this cute little girl with light blonde hair, fair skin. At first I thought she was an angel. I think her name was Jeanna. I wanted to be her friend desperately, she was just so pretty. I also remembered trying to kiss her --- (just copying what I saw on tv), and next thing I knew the teachers were carting me off to see the school counselor.

In seventh grade I had a crush on another girl, but I tried my best to keep it hidden. Apparently I wasn't doing that good of a job, because it wasn't long before her boyfriend confronted me. He left me with a bloody nose and a reminder that I was ill-equipped to be with any girl.

My family moved and so I started over in another school. I made some close male friends, even thought I liked a few, but never pushed it any further. I stayed away from most of the girls, although I couldn't help but to be friends with one or two.

Throughout highschool I didn't date much. Whenever I had a crush on a boy, I didn't mind too much if that got out. I made friends with a girl, she was cute and silly. Always made me laugh. She was very understanding, in that she was aware of my affinity towards her and still kept our friendship. Had a few relationships with boys, but they always ended awkwardly. My friend started dating and I remember feeling jealous, but supportive nonetheless.

I had a few relationships with females, but due to my own physical limitations, felt inadequate and discouraged. Those relationships ended badly with much regret.

Later on I took an interest in my friend's brother, became real close friends. He was just as understanding as his sister and had his own quirks. We reached an understanding that life cannot be changed and we must play with the cards we are dealt. He understood my confusions and tried his best to help me through them. His sister had gotten pregnant and was shortly married afterwards. Her wedding brought about some emotions I didn't fully understand, but I tried to be happy for her anyway.

A year later, I married her brother. He is a very dear friend of mine, so thoughtful and kind. However, I realize the role I must play in order to be with him, and this brings about much unrest. Usually we joke and make light of things, but I know he doesn't want to let me go. I feel like we have agreed to accept an impasse.