I was raised with my sister, although I have three other siblings that belong to my father's other marriages, two boys and another girl. I didn't live with them. I used to see the oldest brother sometimes, but we did not know each other that well.
Me being the oldest kid of them all, they all looked up to me. I behaved more like a brother than a sister, and it wasn't influenced by any of them, it was my own quirk. I recall talking to my brother about girls, he had a crush on a girl and wanted to know how to approach her. I gave him some advice. My sister would follow me around everywhere, and that was sort of uncool for me as a child because she was 8 years younger than me and having her tag along everywhere was annoying, but in the end, there was no escaping it. It's hard to say how I felt about her back then - in some ways I felt she had an easier time of everything with my parents, they were much more lenient with her than with me, and she had her two parents at home while I was the child of a divorce and a-not-very amicable split. I had to deal with things and people she didn't. I wasn't able to love her for a long time as I didn't have much empathy in me as a child. It took me a long time to learn to love anyone. It wasn't a stable, especially happy family.
I always felt that the other siblings were loved more than I was. I was a mistake, and my parents learned they couldn't stand each other soon after... but my siblings were more desired, I think. They had more stable situations. Their parents were ready for them. My problems weren't their fault, of course, and I don't hold them responsible for any of my issues or hardships in the family. But I definitely felt that when my sister did something wrong, she got an easier time of it. Maybe because she had a father in the house and I didn't, I'm not sure. If she ever asked for help with something, she always got it. She never really left home, or the city my parents were in - I did though, and if I ever needed anything or fell on hard times I was usually told to go deal with it myself. It was trained into me that you don't ask for help. That asking for help is some kind of disgrace. I know for a fact this has never been trained into my sister. I feel like I was treated like a boy, told to go out and seek my fortune, whether my parents knew they were doing it consciously or not, and she was treated more like a delicate flower.
My brothers never affected me regards gender much as I didn't spend much time with them.
I do remember wanting my own room as soon as possible from my sister as I was very self conscious about my body with her, as with everyone around me. I wanted privacy. It wasn't some conscious thing, I just remember complaining until I eventually got my own room and immediately felt better. Of course if I'd been a boy that would have been a priority, I think, from a certain age. Anyway, I demanded the room, although I had no problem actually having sleepovers with my male and female friends... it was a matter of right, somehow, in my mind. Maybe it was a manifestation of my maleness at that early age, not to have to be quartered with my sister forever, I don't know. there was a fairly large gap of years between us. It felt appropriate to me to have separate space.
I think I did a lot of stereotypical boy things back then, climbing trees, getting into trouble, making things, defending my sister, playing pranks on her, ordering her about if she wanted to be part of my group of friends, fighting with her over stuff. She seems to remember it all fondly, but I feel quite lousy about my lack of empathy back then. Perhaps if I'd been born right I'd have been a better brother.
