hell on earth

[heather d]

the bset moment of my life came when i was 16 on hooloween night
when i decided this would be the only time i could go out in public and no one would say any thing so at 16years old i dressed as much like a 16 year old girl as i could and to my amazment not one kid in school reconised me not one i walked around town all night in a skirt heels make up hair done it was the greatest night of my life. now age 41 three children grown and gone and a life time of lies and pain iside and yes at times i even thought about killing myself but i didnt i want to start my transition but have no idea how or who to contact or what mt first step should be i admire all of you on here for you courage and conviction i just hope and pray i can be as strong as all of you.

                                                                          Heather.

[Debtv]

Hi Heather,

I can relate to you and your life. That life of denail is rough....I know.

Somehow I found self-acceptance when I was 38 yrs old. I decided that I had to live truthfull no mater the price. So I told everyone I know that I'm a tv and started living enfemm as much as I could.

I have made some comprimises, no mones, no srs, not totaly fultime, carefull where I go localy and so on. I am free to be honest with everyone now and its a good thing. I admite I payed a price for it, as my wife of 17 yrs left me, lost some good old friends, family won't visit me anymore and I'm considered kinda crazy by some. LOL

But I am happier now than I ever have been!! I am now free to be honest and upfront and have even becaome proud to be tg. I am enfemme about %90 of the time (%10 work and errands endrab), I have made alot of new cool friends and have a woman who is into the honest me.

Life can and does get better!!!!!

For me....my tg desires have grown with my age. So I HAD to come to terms with them or my unhappieness was going to kill me. I have always felt I was a woman and was uptight because I was not. But, I do not feel that I need mones or srs to be happy, as I have comprimised.

By being free to just be myself I have realized a few things. One is that after a life of living as man....I am partly man, a thing I cannot undo. And that my femmeside has lived a life of isolated neglect. No wonder it grew over the years. I am not just one gender, but I'm not two seperate gender either. I'm both genders...one person. What a strange but special place to be.

My tg desires have grown with age.
That life did not end, once I told everyone.
I am not two personailtys...but one.
I am both genders...but mostly femme (in my head)
That being transgender is a positive thing.
I cd to be upfront, honest and feel pretty. (my true expression)
If I can be honest and free to feel pretty....I am very happy!


so your 1st step.........
Accept thyself!!

Love
DebTV

[4years]

Hello Heather, welcome to Susan's most wonderful Place

I suggest that the best first steps are to sit down with as many cold hard facts as you can get your paws on, here at Susan's Place are some good references, The Main Page, the Reference Library the Wiki, and these forums for instance. I also suggest doing various searches such as a google for transsexual, as you can never find too much information.

Once you are familiar with the terms and the topics your best bet will most probably be to find a gender aware therapist and schedule a few sessions, in particular one who understands transsexuality. We have a forum board devoted to the topic which may be of use.

Also, I am certain you are strong enough, your decision to start proves that.

Please feel free to join in on the conversations

[tiffani66]

Ah, Hallowe'en.  It is a time when you can be whatever you want to be.  Those were the days...

I, too, had the experience of going out on Hallowe'en night (I was 19) as a female for the first time.  I will say this: I enjoyed that night more than any other night that I can remember.  I had so much fun!  I wandered around for about four hours, from one end of town to the other and back again, not once but twice!  I was with a female friend who thought I was the cutest girl she had seen in a long time.

Even after that most enjoyable experience, I chose to deny my feelings for another seven years.  I purged on more than one occasion (this was before I began my transition) and swiftly regretted having done so, as it meant I had to find new clothes, etc.

I have had many ups and downs over the years, but I have never regretted my decision to be honest re being my true self.  I am still experiencing difficulties thirteen years later, yet I am strong in my desire to continue what I am doing.

I may never be able to afford SRS, as I am living on a disability income, yet I have recently decided that I will try to get my GED and go to college to study in the fields of modern languages and community and social work.  I want to combine those interests if I ever manage to get a job.

Stay the course; the journey may be rough, but there are many here who are willing to help in any way that they possibly can.  You can count on us for support.

Tiffani

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Heather.

I can relate to your situation.  I was in a similar one myself.  I was trapped in a career that would not let me be me.  So I took drastic action and changed it.  I have never looked back, but the change wasn't made until I had done my homework, and had everything in place.  Kimberly' has offered great advise, take your time, I was in my early 50's when I chose to finally transition,  follow it, it is a good way to start.  In the mean time browse the site, relax and join in where you can.

Chat later
Stepg