female

[Yochanan]

I'm a boy but transition isn't in the cards. Maybe in the future, but not in my life as it is now. So I figured I might as well go back to being female. People say they will support me and be behind me, but what they really want is their daughter/me as a girl back. My life thus far has been nothing but trying and trying to make others happy, so why stop now? But I didn't realize how hard a little thing like wearing a tight shirt while not binding would be. Or going without my usually ever-present baseball cap. Or painting my fingernails.

I know it's stupid, and I know that if I were a real man I could live my life as a female and train myself to be happy, but I am just weak. It hurts. It really, really does.

[Nicky]

Things are bad right now eh? That mountain looks too big. It can seem easier to try to avoid it altogether. You are not weak, this thing is bigger than anything.  If the answers were simple none of us would be here. It is perfectly ok to take a breather in your journey. Sometimes we just need time out from thinking about the mountain.

Certainly you can decide not to transition right now. That does not mean you have to play the part. I know women that don't dress up fem, they don't paint their nails, no ear piercings, they wear track pants and slum it with their mates, their hair is short. Even if you are going to live as a girl does not mean you need to shove yourself all the way into the corner of that box.

I think you are going to put yourself through a lot of anguish doing this and you know it. You stop now so that you can be happy for once k?

[Yochanan]

Something people seem to hate about me is that I'm an "all-or-none" kind of person. I am tired of living in between, and I am tired of the way people look at me. I'm just so confused and there's not a damn person I can talk to about it, or anyone who could offer me any solutions if I could talk. I don't want to be the token "t" of my lgbt club, I don't want to be ridiculed or seen as a butch woman. All I want is to be what I am, which is simply not possible. It's terrible though. Feels like I'm killing my best friend, this dude called John, but it's easier this way. I'm back to square one with my coping methds. The only reason I managed to go to school this morning was the cutting. But I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be posting right now. I'm all drugged up. Why are things so difficult? I just don't know how to deal with life anymore. At all.

[Nicky]

Yeah, the middle can be a crappy compromise, it might feel slightly better than not doing anything but you end up not fitting in anywhere.

It sounds to me like you are in a bit of a crisis.
I hope you find a way through this. Keep asking for help.

[Just Kate]

I understand how you feel and have certainly been there before.

Let me ask, because I'm very interested to know, but why can you not transition right now?  Is it because you are afraid of how it will affect those you love?  Are you still living your life solely for them?

I won't make any assumptions.  I'll just let you answer.  Perhaps writing it out will help you feel better, feel like you have someone to talk to as well.

[Mister]

You're 18 now, right?  So truly, you CAN transition.  There's places near you where you can get hooked up for free/cheap and get the process started.  If excrement hits air circulation devices, there are places you can go (and that I have the resources to get you hooked up with, if need be.)

Deep breath!

[Yochanan]

I could transition, yes. I am a coward. My relationships with my mothers and my family are more important to me than my own happiness. All my moms want is their "daughter" (both deny it but some things they just don't have to say). I will never be their daughter, but I can pretend. I can make life a bit easier and more pleasant for them. Especially my biomom. She has enough sh*t to deal with without me whining about transition. And I won't transition without their blessings and support.

Things will be much easier if John just went away. It's a bit difficult to get rid of him, though. But I will keep trying, because it's just too hard when I'm him. I wish I had never met my mom (who's trans). Then I probably would never have realized that I was anything but a girl, and probably wouldn't have even thought about it. Everyone thinks this is a phase and that I'm trying to be like my mom, but they don't realize that I only realized I was trans after meeting her because I didn't really realize switching one's sex was possible.

I wish I could just sit my mom down and say, "This is what I am and this is what I need to do about it." But I can't. She'd say give it time, a few more years. She doesn't realize that I might not make it another few years, or even another few months. The only thing I can do now is forget the whole trans thing, forget I ever wanted to transition, and live life as a normal female person.

It's a lot harder than I make it out to be. I've been crying non stop since yesterday and I'm just so confused. I need to stop typing now.

[Luc]

Kiddo, in the end, you have to do what's best for you. I'm sure your mom wants you to be happy. A couple weeks ago, I had it out with my mom over my being trans. She's known for 3 years, but tried to deny it all that time. I finally told her that if I hadn't transitioned, or if I tried now to live as a girl, I'd kill myself. I said, "Do you want a son, or a dead daughter?" She got the point.

Your mom (moms?) will accept you eventually, if she loves you enough. And I'm sorry, bro, but your mom who's mtf needs to get a reality check and realize that if it's okay for her to transition, it's certainly okay for you.

Check out the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian center... it's in Hollywood, and it's got a wealth of resources. I've even heard that they have a program for free hormones for trans people who can't afford them.

In the end, if you want to be a girl, that's your prerogative. But it sounds like you're just afraid of what might happen if you be yourself. Good luck, and I'm on yahoo messenger if you ever need to talk.

SD

[tekla]

Yochanan, you have a lot on your plate.  I have some if not understanding of that, I at least feel for you, and how much you've had to take up the slack for adults who have not done that adult job around you. 

Understand there is no rush now.  No rush ever.  Things happen when they happen, and if you're lucky, they will happen when they should.

Be who you are, and perhaps, like many of us here, you're a bit of both, never ever all one or the other.  OK, that's you, and you'll have to learn to live with it, and live it too.  It can be a very good life.

Don't rush. Haste makes waste, and there is a lot of waste around here.  Don't rush to be part of it.  But, rather, take it slow, and get to where you really should be.

I'm sure you will make it to that place, and I'm sure that's it's a very, very good place to be.