Love? What is it? Though I'm tempted not to start with something that would appear to be such a cliche question, I feel I must because the importance is pivotal. Love is whatever you want to call it. In this world there is much struggle, and the dualities of life become apparent as we die off and like snakes emerge from our previous skins, shining though they may be, into a new experience of life, a new emotion. Yesterday I went out on a hike in at a Park, earlier that day I drank a ayahuasca analog that I made from syrian rue and phalaris grass that I collected outside. It was a rather weak brew, and the only vision I had was of a woman, who came to me, and told me it was alright to express myself how I would. For me I have many issues, doing this because I feel like once I begin to express myself in a certain way it must always be this way. As a transwoman this is hard, because I am not a transwoman. But the revelation I had showed me that indeed all ways of being, are ways of loving, and if it was all easy, this poetry that is life just would not be complete. But me and two friends were walking, and I was amazed at how distant had become over time, even though we could still appreciate this beautiful natural expanse before us, they continued to talk about other people, and how they could not appreciate or future plans in life, while I just wanted them to stop talking and enjoy what was there, as it was, without commentary. But we discussed nature and it seemed that everything was natural, even their conversation, but for some reason I could not feel at peace with it. I carried my shoes and walked barefoot down a trail and we ended up sitting by the potomac river on a small beach, my friends engaged again in conversation while I meditated. Eventually I realized I just had to move away, so I walked off and saw the plants and dug my feet in the sand. There was a salamander on the tree, and we looked at eachother for a long time, then I saw a frog. I thought about life for these creatures, life how it was mean t to be, and how it really is for everyone. We are like gods who have come to this physical realm for some visceral experience, we eat, we find places to sleep, and in the meantime try not to get killed as we live life to the most pleasing degree that we can imagine, this is simply how it comes to us, this is what it is, or so it seems. I caught the frog in my hand and watched it breathing hard, then it jumped away, but I wanted to put it on my friends head. I went back to them and they were still talking. Sometimes its like that, we all have so much to share, but those who speak of nothing, they never hear it, and maybe its just a reflection of myself. But then again, what do we know, in our everyday lives we are only preparing for those beautiful moments, like Starscape, where my life changed and I realized how beautiful all things are, and how its really about self confidence, peace love unity and respect. There are patterns in life, like the patterns of leaves on a plant, and there are blossoms like the flowers and that is it, just a grand tapestry woven by whoever. And in the past years I have been intensely religious, before it was very spiritual, I looked for enlightenment and realized I had it, now I use religion just as a hobby. It is a poem as stated before, the goddess I say, my beloved is always with me. I realized this again and again as we rode back, as I searched for a girlfriend or boyfriend, and never thought anyone would really understand. But in a way I know this being is out there, manifest in every part of my life, and we are sad, and we are happy, life is all things. I'm glad to be able to fit into my place in the community, I'm even glad to break out when I do, break down and not understand, look at society, and those people out there who seem to have no clue, who revel in pettiness. To them I say, aho! Which means I agree, my soul bows to your soul, because these people are great teachers, and spirits who are imbibed in my ceremonial witch robe for mass zen nirvana bliss practice, which I engage in through these words, as the interpol plays, but what about the times that aren't good, thats what I hear outside, in the voices that drift on the wind, when I'm acting like a little girl, when I realize there is no me, and I could die a painful death. Indeed, this thing is not going to come to a neat conclusion it seems, because even when it does, someone coughs and it gets the whole ball rolling again. But at times of joy and times of bliss or even times of sorrow, if we can look in eachother and see ourselves, and see our own dreams, and yet break beyond the logic and feeling of non duality and duality and into pure beingness. The dimensions of experience that we can sail are vast, we must only free our minds of who we are, free ourselves of identity, of our stories of tragedy and oppresion by some system, this system is really our own doing, as in individually, for one can make the decision to leave at any time and friend a friend, and begin it from day one on the edge of infinity. Of course, these are all theories and hopes, but in time, perhaps some shred of brilliance will be ascertained from it all, or at least, it is a beautiful thing in the writing, it is the outdoors, the beginnings of new cultures, of tribes, of surrealistic and utopian forevers that find no wrong. Its like I was talking to a friend I had met on the internet and she spoke of the grass, the green and wonderful grass and the way of grass. That she just wanted to lay and trip out in the grass, and I said god damn! You understand, but what it was that was grasped by both of us at that point? Maybe just honestly, why feel better than another person, we all go through the same things, and like my friends who could not stop talking, I found I could not stop thinking as I walked away, and it didn't matter though I beat myself up for it, because honestly I enjoy the cycles. I enjoy being restrained in such a way through thought and having the energy build up in myself until nothing can be held back. In this way each of us in a universe unto ourselves, in our bodies are worlds, and like the big bang, like the great mother who gives birth to all things, we ourselves will expand, will be ecstatic and excited, speaking, being out of ourselves and that is that. This is was all things are made for, its a sexual thing.
I arrived back at my home, and drank the rest of the brew, as I lay in my bed I recalled visions from the day, my friends became dryads who again showed me that transcendent and playful love, it was all just sex it seemed, just sex, just the build up of rebellion and aloneness and then the submission, falling into acceptance of all things, and thats where the bliss was. Alchemy states that the true wholeness, the true lessons are usually held by the things that we do not accept in ourselves, the things that are cast aside and marginalized. Yes, this is true and its an ever continuing process. We exist on so many levels. So I realized this, and the cosmic joke, that is all of it and I laughed and I was in awe, and at the mercy of my senses, absent of any bad feeling. I came.
Then I felt bad again, now it is me wondering if this is right, are there those out there who can hold out on the original impulse to rebel for so long that change happens, of course! and they are the beautiful ones, they roam this earth with long hair and are peaceful warriors, me I'm just a little trickster who's so tangled up in non duality that I can't really get anything done, oh well, if I found the people to support me, I'd do it sure, and they are coming, but for now I will have the knowledge I will speak where I'm heard on the outskirts, and love will be here just as it is in every place. Because revolution is materialism just like non revolution is. Lets stay here for now, lets rest and be peaceful, lets enjoy the limelight of earth and breath bubbles pulsing in the waves. But also, I don't know if this is the correct way, if there are any who know, please enlighten me because though I am comfortable for now, I know my tribe is out there... everything we do is building towards this, we are shamans, its all a manner of hows it viewed, I believe if we educate ourselves and come at it from a different perspective, and gather in places where the perspective can flourish, then truly all things possible, even now.
Love, Aisha
