Please Help

[Alena43]

Hello Everyone,

I haven't been on here in a long time and I miss the support, friendship, advice, and feeling like I belong.

I am asking for your thoughts and suggestions for the following.

I came out my son last summer and it went pretty well, or at least I thought it did, until he started using drugs, gettting in trouble in school, losing interest in all the things he loved and ended up in treatment for drugs. He still says to this day that it doesn't bother him that I am trans, but I know better. The reason I know is that he hasn't asked any questions about being tg to me or his mom, he doesn't talk about it at all, and if i ask him he says that it's fine. He is not dealing with this in anyway except to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. I was talking to his mother ( my x) about and she said that maybe I should just back off transitioning for a awhile, maybe grow out my goatee, take off my nails and make sure that I act masculine when around him and his friends, or at his sporting events, so I did just that grew out my goatee, took off my nails when I was home last time and it drove me crazy. I don't know what to do, I don't want to upset my son, or make things hard for him, he has already had a pretty rough time. Some of my friends think that I should, put transitioning on hold until he's 18, which is onlt two years from now, but I don't know if I can do that.

I am also a long haul truck driver and it is very hard to transition out here, I feel so alone, lost and confused about what to do. I am nowhere near ready to go full time, although I wish I could, but being a truck driver and being gone from home so much, makes it very difficult to do electro, and the other thingd I need to do to be able to transition to full time. I know who and what I am that is female, just don't know what to do.

As soon as I was back in the road I had my nails put back on and I love them, but then started having thoughts about having them removed, because the last time my son saw me I didn't have them. I had also stop taking my hormones for a few weeks, but have started taking them again, I don't like how I feel when I am not on them.

I wonder am being selfish for not wanting to stop transitioning? I mean i make a descion to stop for my son, but I can't stay with that decsion for long. I was always taught that his needs come before mine and that we make sacrifices for our kids, so why is this so hard for me to do for him?

I also don't know how to this safely out here driving truck. My company dosen't know about me being trans and i can't afford to lose this job. They know me only as a male.

I am so tired of feeling like this and I could really use any thoughts, suggestions thaat you may have for me.

I was also wondering if anyone knew any ts/tgs in the trucking industry and if so how I could contact them.

Hugzzzz to all,
Kristi

P.S. Changed my name from Ariana to Kristi.

[PinkSunshine]

Ok Kristi, deep breath! I'll put in my two cents (even though it only amounts to just 1 cent  ). I never related very well with guys in high school, but from what I noticed, they tend to do stuff like that more out of influence from their 'friends' than from their parents. It might have upset him when you came out, but it happened. Trying to pretend it doesn't exist is not going to help either of you. You'll know your just pretending and I'll bet he does too. Not having any children of my own, I can't say for sure, but I tried  . Just hang in there hun, we're here for ya!

[Julie Marie]

Changing back and forth at the request of others will only show your son you are confused and not sure what you're doing.  It will also send the message to everyone that you can be manipulated.

When the coming out happened at my house my youngest was 18.  He stopped talking to me.  I balked at transitioning.  Later he said he lost respect for me because I was too wishy-washy.

Kids need stability.  While transitioning upsets that, it is only temporary.  Going back and forth will only make matters worse.  Decide what you are going to do and stick to it.  If you choose to transition, it will most likely be the hardest thing you've ever done but in the long run you'll be happy you followed your heart.

Julie

[Alena43]

VanessaPink,
Thank you for your reply and thoughts. I know you are right, but it dosen't make it any easier to make the right descion for me or him. I know that pretending it dosen't exist is not healthy for either one of us, but that is what he is doing. I also think your right about it being his friends. He hasn't told any of them and I don't thiink he will, so I thought it's not fair to him to have to keep this a secret and it would be easier on him, if I jsut stopped for awhile, but it is so hard on me I don't know if I can do

Once I discovered and accepted who and what I am, it's been almost impossible to not try to become that person, my trueself. I just don't know whether I can take the chance of hurting or messing up my sons life more than I have. He was an A&B student, never in  trouble, until i came out to him.

Hugzzzzzzz,
kristi

[Tammy Hope]

I think Julie nailed it. Waffling only communicates uncertainty and I think any kid can take it better if he thinks you are convinced that what you are doing is right.

I think, too, that you have to filter his response through his already established personality.

My oldest son has said nothing to his mother or me about it either - but that's perfectly consistent with his past behavior so I have no reason to think he has an issue with it.

[Janet_Girl]

Long Haul trucker and transition?  HUUUMMMMM.  Well Heather is doing it.  She has driven for 20 years, but she is wanting to move forward and is thinking of getting off the road.  And that may be what she needs.  She may hate me for saying so, but you would be surprised that it happens.  And i think it happens more than anyone may know.

As for your question of if it is selfish to want to transition.  No it is self destructive not to.  And then where will he be without you at all.

Janet

[Cindy]

Hi
My 2 cents worth. I don't have children BTW. But 16yr boys seem to go though amazing changes at the drop of a hat. He is more likely to be influenced by his peers than you.
From your comments you are well into transition and go back and forward isn't going to anything except drive you into depression. Ans we know where that leads.

As Janet said Heather is trukie, I haven't heard from her for a while but maybe she has some ideas.

Love and Hugs
Cindy

[Lucy]

Hi
My 2 cents worth. I don't have children BTW. But 16yr boys seem to go though amazing changes at the drop of a hat. He is more likely to be influenced by his peers than you.
From your comments you are well into transition and go back and forward isn't going to anything except drive you into depression. Ans we know where that leads.

As Janet said Heather is trukie, I haven't heard from her for a while but maybe she has some ideas.

Love and Hugs
Cindy

From one trucker to another.

Your son as said here is probobly feeling the peer pressure, keep up your tranistion your son will hopfully come round, it wont make any difference now if you stop or not unfortunatly the damage is done.. If he loves you he will be back, give him time to come to terms with it.