I was so angry last night that it interfered with my sleeping patterns last night and I thought about hanging myself over it yesterday. I wrote this the night of 9/10/2009.
Here's what I wrote (Disclaimer: changed a few things for privacy);
"Because I've been so upset about it tonight, I'm writing this article to tell Allah/The Creator how so mad I am at Him because He intentionally made my life so miserable. Thanks a lot God for giving me the role I never wanted, knowing how hard it is being being a male, seriously! Being a female would've been so much easier for me that this had You just been nice enough to fufill that one request for me. Because you didn't, I'm upset, I don't like this flat chest, and I want my genitallia removed... so I will say this here and now since I can't even sleep because I'm so mad. Thank you God so much for making my life a living hell! I really apprieciated it! Really!
I'm pretty much convinced that you just put me here just to make my life a suffering hell. I'm pretty much convinced that you keep me alive for that reason as well. I say that because my knowledge and belief of The Secret has at least given me some sort of faith. Because I will have you know now that the only reason to remain here right now is the fact that i can still live the rest of my dreams. There's a lot of other things i wanna do, see, and expereience before i go hang myself and if you;re not going to make those things happen for me then y'know what, I'd rather now be here.
Once again! Thanks a lot for putting me through this hellhole we all call "being a male"! And another thing, if the devil is going to give me the woman's body that I've longed for, if he's going to give me my ideal body that I dreamed of walking in, then i'll ally with the devil. You seriously make me sick, God. Really, you do. I would've been better off being a female and you just went and screwed that up and made me feel this way throughout my entire existance! And you know what? Since you don't care about the fact that I should've been female, I don't care about your purpose. I may have the body and appearance of a male but i'm definaltely no man. I don't give two s**ts what the world sees of me. I'm not a man. This so-called manhood/boyhood crap just makes me sick. I give not 1 ioda about the Adam/Eve crap and since we are teh co-creators of our lives then why didn't you let me create that, huh? Oh yeah! That;s right! you're point of bringing me here was for me to suffer what I'm going though. I get it.
And to give me this blackhearted b***h you call my mother, I see what you did and now I hope you're happy. If you're going to give me "free will" then why don't you just let me be something I wanted to be? You tell me! Y'know what? Just let me die of prostante cancer or cancer in general. I don't care. A woman shouldn't have to worry about prostate cancer so why should i?
I'll still try to follow my dreams but if you're going to stop that, I'll go hang myself and end this existance because i am tired of walking around with a male body. Seriously, why couldn't you just give me the body of the woman i draw when i draw myself?! What was soooo hard about that? Oh worst yet! Even if i did surgically change my body it's no good because I still won't have my desired form. I found some girl on myspace with a body that looks just like the one i wanted. get this. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at YOU. Plain clear and simple! I get that too! You make my life difficult by giving me the wrong body but you give someone else mine? You make me sick, period."
