No Deb, it's not that I can't remember how it was to be a child, The older pics I used on Susans in years past were an example of that. They werent fancy studio glamor shots, but were in that light. The sad part is that I do remember, all to well, but to much reallity has set in, I've turned down to many dead end streets and had to back out and start over again. There isn't time or patiencience left for daydreams. All that matters is what is left to work with in the here and now. I can't change the past and make it better and worrying about the future will only get me upset and set me back again. It's called reality, deal with it or don't. There you go, a choice, a decision, so make it and stick with it. Thats all thats left.
Strong? I have to wonder about that. It's all breaking apart, my weak points are gaining strength and my strong sides are simply getting tired and developing a tendancy to not give a damn. It's simply been to long in the trenches, and allowing coruption to eat it's way in. It's like trying to plug the holes in the dyke with my fingers (no pun intended). Works ok till you run out of fingers.
Yes, I did stand in front of a mirror and practice my "look", finding every bad angle and unflattering mannerism and habit, then eraseing it from my presentation, very deliberate and very calculated, but those days taught me a very important thing. I was not becoming me, I was becoming an image, carefully designed to appeal to and convince, and the sadder part is, it was highly convinceing, the problem is that it wasn't really me, it was a role play of something I thought I wanted to be and ended up not making me happy at all.
To make it worse, I really was pretty back in those days, but there was no beauty in it as again, it wasn't me, not the honest me. I found I could achieve all the acceptance I could hope for within this, but it wasn't honest and brought me no peace. Ever pick up on the fact that I am mercural, like two different personalities from post to post, day to day? depending on what buttons are pushed and triggers pulled? You've witnessed it for years, but probably just thought of it as "moods" I realise it, but depending on the buttons, not much I can do about it, so I've taken to just staying out of sight at such times. There are reasons for that, none of them good.
When I actually became myself, defused the buttons, for a while, I was happy with it all, but the reality of responsibilities, Hep C diagnoses and money picked up where the former left off. I delt with it and the Pretty kind of just faded away in the process. I made progress, but became bitter and intolerant in the process, it was about that time that we met here at Susans. You know very well how I tended to strike out at anything and everyone who couldn't set a firm goal and bird dog it to the end, and it could only be one way. I couldn't beleive in a rainbow because everything had to be either or.
To understand that, you have to understand that I could never accept being half of anything. I hated myself for being half of nothing and I took it out on any available target. Some made it to easy for me, and I have always had exceptionally good aim. The truth is though, I was taking aim at myself for being what I was, something I never really accepted, not really. I was never a man though I was male, and I was never a female though I considered myself a woman. In my mind I was nothing, and I lashed out at others to beat on myself, push myself harder.
By then, it all came back to the money. I had destroyed my carreer, ruined my marrage and went bankrupt. I had to save from scratch while living paycheck from paycheck and there was always something that had to come back out to keep things going and so I just pushed myself harder and simply became more bitter. The pretty vivacious girl that was just kind of ceased to exist, leaving something that would never fit even when the goal could be achieved. In time it seemed to me that even in achieving what I desired, it would be an empty victory as there would be nobody home anymore to enjoy the party, so I opened the door for someone I had almost forgotten and took her place in hiding. I tried to tell her but she wouldn't listen, one of those perfect world types, though she would have said not.
You see where I'm going with this? When I had the money I squandered it, believing that I could always get it when I had to. that damned self confidence ... would that I never developed that as it did more harm then good. Later when I needed what I had squandered on frivolity and stop gap measures, it was hard to come by, thus the distane for such things as clothing, appearances and imagery. I could have been there by now if not for such things. I wasted my resourses on moments rather then spend it wisely on things that counted and mattered in the long term of things. Thus my present attitude about such things.
Then the hep diagnoses and the refusal to allow me hormones because of it, more time wasted fighting for a way through that. I finally won that battle and left my family to start over again on my own, it was hard but I was full of the joy of life for awhile. I had friends then who helped keep my feet on the ground and I started making progress back to the core and some beauty returned for a while and life was hard but good.
Then as it got close, it all shattered again with a trip to the hospital and a long hard fight back to dealing with reality again. It wasn't easy as by then I had honestly ceased to believe I could or would make it through in one piece worth the effort. I all but gave up and retreated into a world where all was perfect. It was all I thought I had left, but at the same time I knew it couldn't last, so I had to climb out again and face it to whatever it would be, even if it may not be what I had wanted it to be and by this time was truely alone.
It's always been a fear in my life, being alone, and I've had to get there to understand what I didn't understand. I know now that it's not to late. I'm going to have to do without much of what I could have had if I had been stronger, but I can't drive it like I used to, the human mind and body have to respected for thier limits and I had always ignored the possibility of limits. It was always like, anything I could get myself into, I could get out of and I was wrong, so very wrong.
It amounts to this, the earlier times are a time of wonder and excitement, so live them as such, but spend your resources wisely, for they can only be spent once. All I can do now is finish what I started, but it won't hold the joy and completness I was looking for, because I wasted so much in the process. I see others doing the same, putting off till tommorow what they should do today. What I have learned about that is there is a day of reconing, where no matter what the gain, it lacks what it should have been. So spend the hundreds of dollars on pics and cloths and cosmetics and parties, but realize the risk.
I'm getting off this Deb, without meaning or knowing you have punched a wrong button and I got to reset it before it finds the trigger. Your sweet though girl, thank you for reaching to me, though I wish you hadn't, good idea, but wrong timing, thank you anyway, I need to be forced to deal with it, I'm not that strong anymore, the weaker side is more appealing but isn't ready yet.
Terri
