Baby StepsNote: If you want access to my blog, feel free to PM me.
So a lot has happened since my wife and I originally decided that we were going to temporarily separate. We were preparing for that and then she came home one night from counseling and told me she was going to stay with me. But she said that she would never acknowledge or accept me as a woman even through HRT and SRS. She said her counselor told her that me saying I was a girl inside was like me saying I was a "frog" and that her acknowledging that and helping me in any way with that would be like feeding me "flies".
I felt devastated to hear that. I didn't know what to do. I felt like her staying with me and not accepting me was like her leaving me all over again except even worse. I did take the news differently in one way. That night, I shaved my legs, chest, stomach, and armpits for the first time in over 2 months. I also pulled out the leftover girl's clothes that my wife didn't sell or give away and began sleeping in a nightie once again. I also began wearing women's underwear exclusively.
Originally I had been waiting till we separated before I started dressing again but now that she was staying I saw no reason to wait. I saw my counselor shortly after and have talked to lots of friends with different opinions. At this point, I think the best thing to do is continue on my path to transition and try to love my wife along the way and be thankful that she is staying with me. I can only hope that she will either learn to love me and accept me for who I am, a girl....or decide that she can no longer take it and leave me to go on with her life at some point along the way.
In the meantime, I'm taking baby steps. I've begun dressing as often as I can when I'm at home. This week that included a lot of new experiences for me including:
1. Getting fit for a wig at a wig shop instead of buying one online.
2. Getting my ears pierced!
3. Going to Payless and trying on shoes and buying them instead of buying them online.
4. Making an appointment to get my legs waxed professionally
5. Trying on and buying new girl's clothes at a department store.
It's weird but I feel so much more empowered now that I am finally accepting that I really am a girl. I've also noticed other changes in myself that involve how I react to things. I'm no longer freaking out (for the most part) when my wife leaves for hours at a time when I'm dressed up. Instead I feel .....patience. Or when she calls me a "monster"....I feel annoyed instead of hurt. Annoyed because I know it's not true. Yes I can still acknowledge she has feelings and they are valid but I am trying to learn to not take them on as my burden. And thats the case for everyone around me.
The next few steps involve the short sale of our house and getting my sperm banked before going on hormone replacement therapy. Those couple steps are actually quite big and might take a while too. Right now it's just a matter of taking it day by day and continuing to try to be myself and love my wife and my God and those around me in every way I can.
