I feel so much for you and your wife. I was in the closet for over 20 years from my teens on, and until the end of that period never thought much about it. I never saw this coming. Why would I even have warned my wife I had this problem, I mentioned it like it was history. I got deeply depressed in my forties when my perfect little life was working out poorly. I was terribly suicidal it was when my male half was so weak and hopeless that the female part stepped forward and said "Hey, I want this life." I owe her my life. I promised I would never put her back in the closet and that I would find meaningful ways for her to express herself.
My church feels very strongly about the roles of men and women, so do I for that matter. I don't want to run around town in some florescent sequins mini dress. Sure I wanted to look cute but I really wanted to be a wife and a mother. My second oldest memory is me trying to turn myself into a girl. It's just the way I am. I prayed a lot about it. One day I asked Father if I was female. He told me, "You aren't very male."; hearing that made me feel better. The facts are I can never be a mother, I had a wife I wanted to make happy, I had four perfect children, I am 6'6", with a long face, long hands, narrow hips, and a big nose. I can never be made 'passing', I would loose the church I had an absolute testimony of, I would be a very large person with a few artificial female organs, a freak. I had four kids I could love like a mother, I could reach out and comfort others, I could wear women's clothes once in a while, I could ask to hold other's babies, and I could be compassionate. I could have much of what I wanted.
My wife hated the female side of me, but tolerated it as long as she never saw or heard about it. When all the financial trials came along it didn't matter how good I was. I was just a drag on her ambitions. 26 years of marriage up in smoke. It's funny, she had been a tom-boy all her life, she wanted a career more than a family, she had been repeatedly raped and I was sensitive to her hurt, she hated all the challenges life threw at her for being a woman. She became intolerant of me because I loved what she had to be and she hated.
The money thing is such an obstacle. I sometimes wonder if we could have an SRS lotto, winner gets happy. While I can't have SRS, I don't think anyone would say anything if I had a vagina created, moved the urethra, and kept the male parts. They don't say anything about the breasts, because lots of guys have them and I got them under the care of a physician. I've been looking at one of the doctors of Bangkok.
My breasts are size 'AA' and 'B' cup. I had been looking at the Brava breast enhancement system. It cost over $1000, but refurbished units are about $500 on ebay, or $300-400 for used. I got to looking a Noogleberry out of England. Their system varies depending on what you get. I got closed cell foam, an extra large cup and a nipple enhancement kit for $68 delivered. The cup is hugely too deep, but that's what I needed to for width to cover the one side. It came in four days. I want to balance my breasts. It's unbelievable. My small breast goes into it about an inch (it has graduation marks on it). I put like five squeezes on the pump and my breast shoots out to 2.25" and doubles in volume in about two seconds. I'm having some problems with slow leaking, but the foam, shaving the seal area, and some lotion should help. 10 hours a night for 12 weeks is supposed to make a permanent change. I can't seem to put too much vacuum on the breast; the nipple thing could hurt you. I'm excited. We'll see how it goes.
My heart goes out to you both.
