The pendulum shifts

[justmeinoz]

interalia, it sound's like you have been looking in my head! I'm in my mid 50's and have just starting to try and find my true self. 
When I was younger I was teased for not being masculine enough, so tried the usual path of doing things that stressed maleness, worked in emergency services, shooting and fishing, etc etc.
Now I am not sure exactly where I am going, but I know I am a hell of a lot happier than I was. 
The way I see it, being a true conservative,( not one of your Yankee "neo" jobs, I mean what is all this republican rubbish anyway!!), is if it isn't broken , don't fix it, but if it is, be a craftsman and don't rush it, take your time and fix it properly.
And anyway,a real gentleman or lady never pry into other people's private matters.

I hope you you find what you are looking for.
Sandra.

[xsocialworker]

Androgeny can have it's costs. when I was in college, I dressed in girl's sweaters,coats, and boots. I had a pageboy hair-cut. I was also refused access to the university job placement services unless I cut my hair and wore a business suit when accessing their services.

[Kendall]

Thank you Interalia, and everyone who responded, for sharing your journey with all your confusions as well as realizations. I am trying to understand who I am, having spent most of my life trying to fit other's expectations. The irony of this is consciously I thought I was being so true to myself! (my constructed self, I guess). I do not expect anyone elses' answers to be mine, but looking at things in different ways and knowing my questions are being asked by others helps.

I did have a thought about the dressing or presenting with other's perceptions in mind. I am partly on this journey because I found myself trapped by my male performance in more ways than one. I performed a good man, not an >-bleeped-<, so I got good feedback. Nevertheless it did not meet my needs. I do not want to be the person I see mirrored back to me when I perform my male persona. He's ok, just not me. Unlike most of the people on this site, most of my life I just felt alien in my body, alien in my community and like I was just surviving undercover with no understanding why. So others' perceptions are relevant to me. Others' expectations are relevant to me. In my life it has been my effort to manage those perceptions and expectations that have trapped me - in part because they have been rewarded superficially.

Unfortunately I am just beginning to discover where my pendulum wants to rest naturally, so I cannot give out or live out consistent signals. I keep going back to my male turtle shell. (At least now it is a more colorful shell).

I may be wrong, but it seems to me you are trying to express your most authentic self without using external definitions of what is "appropriate" according to gender rules. I hope you succeed. I hope I succeed also.

Every fortress becomes a prison