This little gender adventure I've been on has gone on several years. From being a super effeminate boy growing up, to developing an alternate "normal" persona during my teen years, to almost killing myself over it, to going to transition, then finding transition only placed me into another box where I didn't fit, to de-transitioning, to developing a "corporate male" persona, only to have my GID resurface this year as a result of it, it has been an interesting ride.
When I was going to detransition, I remember the statements of so many who had "been there before" telling me over and over again, "you'll be back." I was determined that I wasn't like then, and in fact, over time have proved it. Transition was not a cure, just a convenient treatment for me, but it did not allow me to be myself. Detransitioning, I needed to show others that I didn't intend to transition again, so I pushed that gender pendulum back toward the male side - not as much as it was during my teen years, but still a bit too much. I had success both in my private and professional life. I was well received at church, at my job, with my friends and even got married. The pendulum wasn't pushed so far as to make me scream, but there was always a little tension there to keep me from swinging back the other way.
Several times over the years I mentioned to my wife that I felt I still hadn't found my "home" yet, I still hadn't found a place I could be where I could be myself completely. I would come home weary from work - not weary due to the toils of the job, but weary due to the upkeep required of me to maintain that persona - and tell me wife that I wish I didn't care, I wish my financial stability didn't rely on my being someone I'm not.
Being someone I'm not... man that has been a running theme in my life.
This year has been especially difficult. First I was out of work for most of it, secondly my mother passed, and thirdly the weight of caring for my father and sister came crashing down upon my shoulders. It is no wonder my GID hit me the way it did this year - almost everything in my life was thrown into disarray.
I came here and other forums looking for support and friendship. Due to my unique path, many held me contemptible, but I still found respect, even trust from most.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking. Transition didn't work for me, but living as I was last year wasn't either. I'd put them about on par for me as far as how peaceful life was. I had specific comforts both ways, but definite drawbacks associated with both. I talked to my wife woefully about the idea of going back to "corporate male" and how while it might make us the money we need, it will leave me a shell of a person and might inflame my GID beyond my control. I told her I needed to find a middle ground and to stop worrying about the consequences of it so much.
We talked... and talked... and talked. In the end, we made some decisions together.
I need to find a place where I can be comfortable with myself - all the time. Not just on a forum, not just with specific friends, etc. Most of the problems I see with being my normal effeminate self is that I don't "present" that way, so when I start to act like me, or when that part shows through, it throws people off - so much so they often tell me. In order to be more comfortable being myself, I need to present myself in a way that is conducive to who I am inside.
I am going to move the pendulum back. I recognize this will cost me the big jobs and possibly other things along the way, but I need to be myself - and all that it entails. I'm not retransitioning, but it will seem like it, so I'm ready to explain that to others who know. I need to reach a place physically where I can be completely comfortable with my body. The steps to do such are as follows:
1) Lose 35 lbs. When I detransitioned, I intentionally put on about 40 lbs while on T in order to get my fat redistributed. I'd like to get back down to my transition weight. This of course will DRAMATICALLY affect my appearance and reveal the rather androgynous individual I am. Back when I was transitioning but still presenting as male, my body alone got me questions - going back to that should be interesting.
2) Restart hormones. I had an orchiectomy back when I transitioned. I haven't regularly taken hormones since I detransitioned when I was on T. I hate T. I took it only long enough to regain some lost features but haven't taken anything since then. My current doctor has been pressuring me to get on a hormone again, either E or T to prevent long term health effects. I think, due to my hatred of T, I will resume E again, though I don't expect any dramatic changes - most of those already happened.
3) Shave daily/electrolysis. I've always hated my facial hair. I hated it even more than the T I took when I detransitioned added more than I had. I plan to remove it all eventually while at least keeping a smooth face. Nothing screams at my body dysmorphia more than when I see myself having not shaved for 3-4 days. I'm pretty sure I'll shave my underarms and legs to - mostly because I hate the hair there, though fortunately it isn't much.
4) Grow my hair out. I loved having long hair and have had it short for waaaay too long. I remember a few years back when I started growing it out long. I was with a friend who didn't really know much of my past. I was putting on a sweater and I flipped my hair out of it while putting it on. The friend said, "you know, this will sound weird, but you really look like a girl when you did that." I cut my hair off shortly after that. I did it because I was afraid that others might see me that way, and I needed to present male. I'm not worried about that anymore, time to grow it back out.
5) Indulge in previous enjoyments. Many of my female interests I kept after detransitioning, no longer finding them threatening to my male identity, but some I held back. Now I won't, no need. Not because I'm female, but because I don't want to hide anymore. This includes getting my nails done, facials, and other stuff I couldn't bring myself to do for the past few years.
6) Self identify as androgynous. I have an androgynous personality. My wife loves me for it, my friends do to. There is no need to hide it from everyone else anymore. Presenting as my androgynous self will most likely open more opportunities for my real personality to shine through. I will identify as bio-male, but that is as far as the "male" tag goes. Likewise, I won't identify as female either - I'm not.
7) Update my wardrobe. Once I've lost the weight, I will update my wardrobe which hasn't been done since I detransitioned. I never wore very girly stuff and don't intend to now, but I do want to find some items that are androgynous and that show off my figure - stuff that is flattering but that I was too afraid to wear before for fear that I might tip someone off that I used to be a girl. That fear kept me wearing clothes that absolutely showed none of my figure. I say no more.
So the pendulum shifts once again. I hope for the last time as I'm REALLY trying to be 100% honest with myself and project that honesty to others. I hope it works. I will keep people informed on my progress - something that can be expected. Now it is time to sleep!
