I don't know where to post this, I don't even know if this is a path. So i'm putting it here so that perhaps I can gain a better wsdom then I currently have.
I've yet to do a ritual. I've never cast a rune that I know of working. The most power i've ever mustered has been shocking myself during a dream and I don't know if that was even real. Yet all my life i've felt drawn from one thing to another. i've had thoughts and feelings that looking back were way beyond a kid, even a kid growing up in a house like mine. One that embraced free thinking...to a point. All my life i've felt a calling to be more, that perhaps I could be more then a human. At the same time I tried to resist such thinking, afterall why would I be special when there is such an abundance of people better than me at everything.
I've been told I have power. I'm told I have unique things about me. To be honest I don't care so much about all that. If it turns out to be true then great, i'm not sure I want power but maybe I could use it. To be honest what I want is to erase all the suffering and hate in this world. The only thing I truly hate is human ignorance. I can't hate people, not really. To hate people is to hate a child no matter how old that person might be. At least to me. What I want is to be like the guardians of the elements. The ones who have achieved perfect balance of their soul. Maybe then I can protect all life.
Maybe its pompous of me to even suggest becoming one. But what I want is to be a knight of the Lord and Lady, to protect life. I think i'm beginning to peel back the veil on my eyes. To be honest it scares me the thoughts that run through my head sometimes. But I think i'm beginning to understand. I read once that some african tribes have their shamans live as 'soft men' so that they can better serve the needs of both the men and the women of their tribe. Maybe...maybe i'm not meant to live as a woman afterall.
Then again maybe i'm going loony. Ive had trouble receiving my meds for almost two months now. Then again isn't the practice of magic to first change your conscious perspective? maybe i'm on the first signs of snapping. But I don't know what else to think. I've a soul of a warrior who wants to heal. My soul feels like a mess of contradiction. I hate but but its not directed at anything. I love without reason all of humanity. I feel guilt for those that don't feel it.
What am I?
